Think You’re Fine? 7 Ways Unresolved Trauma is Secretly Destroying Your Relationships

How Men Avoid Their Emotions: Common Phrases You Might Hear

In many cultures, men are taught to suppress their emotions or hide their vulnerabilities. Whether due to societal expectations, fear of judgment, or not knowing how to express themselves, many men struggle to acknowledge and confront their emotions. Instead, they often use language to avoid dealing with what’s really going on inside. These phrases can be a way of deflecting, denying, or masking deeper feelings, preventing emotional expression and keeping difficult conversations at bay.

Here are some of the most common phrases men use to avoid confronting their emotions:

“I’m fine.”
The classic phrase that often signals the opposite. Many men say this when they’re feeling overwhelmed, sad, or stressed but aren’t ready—or don’t know how—to talk about it.
“It’s not a big deal.”
When they don’t want to admit that something is bothering them, this phrase minimizes the situation, even though it may be weighing heavily on them.
“I’m good, just tired.”
Instead of acknowledging feelings of sadness, anger, or frustration, fatigue is a safe go-to excuse, deflecting attention from the emotional state they might be avoiding.
“I don’t know what to tell you.”
A way to shut down a conversation when emotions become too complicated to process or express. This can indicate a fear of being misunderstood or an inability to articulate feelings.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Often said when emotions are too raw or overwhelming. It’s a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from feeling vulnerable or exposed.
“It is what it is.”
A phrase used to indicate resignation or indifference, often used to avoid addressing the underlying issue or emotional discomfort.
“I’ll be alright.”
A way of convincing both themselves and others that they’re okay, even when they’re not. It’s often a signal of someone who doesn’t feel comfortable asking for help.
“That’s just how I am.”
This phrase can be a way of deflecting responsibility for emotional growth or change, using it as a shield to avoid deeper exploration of feelings.

These phrases may sound familiar and are often used as coping mechanisms to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Recognizing them is the first step in understanding the emotional walls some men build to protect themselves. But it’s important to note that behind these words lies the need for support, connection, and healing.

How to Know You Have Unresolved Trauma as a Man

Recognising unresolved trauma in yourself as a man can be difficult, especially because societal expectations often discourage men from expressing vulnerability or emotions. However, trauma doesn’t disappear on its own—it lingers, affecting how you feel, think, and behave. Understanding the signs of unresolved trauma is the first step towards healing. Here are some common indicators that you may be carrying unprocessed trauma:

1. Struggling with Intimacy and Connection

If you find it difficult to connect with others on a deep emotional level, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or with family, it could be a sign of unresolved trauma. You may keep others at arm's length, feeling uncomfortable with closeness or intimacy, or finding it hard to trust those around you. This can stem from past experiences where you felt abandoned, betrayed, or let down, especially during childhood.

2. Emotional Numbness or Overwhelm

Some men who carry unresolved trauma may feel emotionally numb, as though they can’t fully access their feelings. On the other hand, you might experience frequent emotional outbursts or intense feelings that seem disproportionate to the situation. Both emotional shutdown and overwhelming emotions can signal that past trauma has not been processed and is affecting your current life.

3. Avoidance of Difficult Topics or Feelings

Do you often avoid talking about certain topics, like family, past experiences, or anything that might bring up uncomfortable emotions? Avoidance is a common coping mechanism for those who have experienced trauma. If you find yourself deflecting conversations or avoiding situations that make you feel vulnerable, it might indicate that there’s unresolved pain you haven’t fully confronted.

4. Repeated Patterns in Relationships

Trauma can often cause people to repeat harmful patterns in their relationships. If you find yourself consistently choosing unhealthy partners or getting stuck in the same types of conflicts, it might be a sign that you’re unconsciously re-enacting unresolved trauma. This could also manifest in a tendency to push people away or sabotage relationships before they get too close.

5. Difficulty with Anger or Rage

Unresolved trauma, particularly from childhood or adolescence, can sometimes manifest as uncontrollable anger or rage. This might look like easily getting upset over small issues, holding grudges, or feeling irritated without clear reasons. If you find that your anger often feels disproportionate to the situation, it could be rooted in past traumatic experiences that haven’t been fully processed.

6. Hypervigilance or Anxiety

If you’re constantly on edge, overly alert, or easily startled, these could be signs of unresolved trauma. Hypervigilance is a protective mechanism that developed in response to past dangers. It can make it difficult to relax or feel safe, even in situations where there is no real threat. Chronic anxiety, whether it's related to work, relationships, or simply feeling like something bad is about to happen, can also be linked to trauma.

7. Self-Sabotage and Low Self-Worth

Many men with unresolved trauma struggle with feelings of inadequacy or believing that they are unworthy of love, success, or happiness. You might self-sabotage your own efforts, doubt your abilities, or feel like you're "not good enough," even if others see you differently. Trauma can deeply impact how you see yourself and your value in the world.

8. Trouble Expressing Vulnerability or Emotions

One of the most common signs of unresolved trauma in men is a reluctance or inability to express vulnerability. Growing up, you may have been taught to “man up” or “not show weakness,” which can lead to difficulties in sharing your true feelings. This can also make it challenging to ask for help or admit when you’re struggling emotionally, even though deep down you may want to.

If any of these signs feel familiar to you, it might be time to reflect on your past and consider seeking support. Unresolved trauma can be a heavy burden to carry, but recognising it is the first step towards healing. Therapy offers a safe space where you can begin to unpack these experiences, understand their impact, and start to break free from the negative patterns they create.

Reenacting Trauma: When Your Past Keeps Coming Back

One of the toughest things about unresolved childhood trauma is how it can show up in adult life. You might not even realise it, but when we don’t deal with trauma properly, our minds have a way of trying to recreate it—almost as if we're hoping for a different outcome. The problem is, it doesn’t heal the wound. Instead, it keeps reopening it, time and time again.

A big example of this is something I see quite often in my work: straight men who repeatedly hook up with other men. And let me be clear—it’s not about being attracted to men or about sexuality in the usual sense. It’s more about trauma. It's not a sexual urge, but a trauma urge.

When we don’t process childhood abuse, our unconscious mind can seek out similar situations as a way to finally fix what happened. But instead of finding closure, it just replays the original trauma. So, for a man who experienced abuse at the hands of a male figure in childhood, he may find himself drawn to adult male interactions that feel familiar—unconsciously trying to rewrite what happened when he was younger. But, because it’s not resolved, it just keeps hurting.

This is why it’s so important to understand how trauma works. A lot of the time, our adult behaviours can look like choices, or like they’re part of who we are, but often they’re driven by unresolved pain. These aren’t the things we choose—they’re survival mechanisms that were meant to protect us as children, but they no longer serve us as adults.

7 Ways Unresolved Trauma Impacts Relationships

Unresolved trauma doesn’t just disappear with time. It settles in the body, hides in our reactions, and quietly shapes how we connect—or struggle to connect—with others. For many people, especially men, trauma remains unspoken and untreated. But just because it’s hidden doesn’t mean it isn’t active. In fact, its most powerful effects often show up in relationships.

Here are seven ways unresolved trauma can impact our ability to love, trust, and be close to others:

1. Difficulty Trusting Others

When you’ve been hurt, betrayed, or let down, trusting again doesn’t feel natural—it feels risky. You may second-guess people's motives or hold back from fully investing in relationships. You want connection, but a part of you is always on alert, waiting for the next blow. Trust isn’t just hard to give—it’s hard to feel safe receiving.

2. Mistrust of Yourself

Unresolved trauma doesn’t just erode trust in others—it can leave you doubting yourself. You question your own judgement: Why didn’t I see it coming? Why did I let that happen? Over time, this self-doubt turns into self-silencing. You stop believing your instincts. You don't trust your own feelings. And if you can’t even rely on yourself, how can you feel secure with anyone else?

3. Difficulty Expressing Emotions

For many people, especially those raised in environments where emotions were ignored, punished, or mocked, expressing how you feel becomes a minefield. You either avoid emotions altogether, fearing they’ll make you look weak, or you don’t have the language for them in the first place. You might go quiet when things get too real. Or lash out because sadness has nowhere else to go. Either way, intimacy suffers.

4. Discomfort with Physical Affection

Touch is supposed to bring comfort. But when you've experienced abuse or grown up without healthy touch, it can feel uncomfortable, confusing, or even triggering. Hugs, cuddles, hand-holding—these small gestures can feel invasive instead of reassuring. You might flinch, freeze, or withdraw—not because you don’t care, but because your body doesn’t feel safe.

5. Shutting Down Emotionally

One of the most common trauma responses is emotional shutdown. When feelings get too intense or uncertain, you go numb. Not on purpose—it’s a survival tactic. But this numbness can leave your partner feeling shut out, confused, or unloved. On the outside, it looks like silence. On the inside, it’s self-protection.

6. Feeling Undeserving of Love

One of trauma’s most corrosive lies is: You are not worthy of love. You may not say it out loud, but it shapes how you interpret kindness, affection, and care. Compliments feel fake. Affection feels conditional. You push love away because deep down, you don't believe you deserve it. And the more you push it away, the more alone you feel.

7. Struggling to Accept Love

Even when love is offered freely, it can be hard to take in. You might constantly search for the hidden agenda or assume there’s a price to pay. You worry that if someone really knew you—the mess, the memories, the mistakes—they wouldn’t stay. So instead of leaning in, you keep your guard up. You want love, but you don’t know how to let it in.

How Therapy Can Help with Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Therapy can be a powerful tool in healing unresolved childhood trauma. It provides a safe, supportive environment where you can unpack painful experiences and begin to understand their impact on your life and relationships. Trauma therapy is specifically designed to help you process traumatic events, work through their emotional and psychological effects, and develop healthier coping strategies.

In therapy, you won’t be judged or rushed. Instead, you'll have the chance to explore your past in a way that feels manageable and empowering. Over time, therapy can help you:

Understand the impact of trauma: Gain insight into how your childhood experiences affect your current thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, particularly in your relationships.
Process emotions: Learn how to express and release emotions that may have been suppressed or avoided for years.
Develop healthy coping skills: Replace unhelpful or self-destructive patterns with healthier ways of coping with stress, triggers, and difficult emotions.
Increase self-compassion: Begin to see yourself as worthy of love, respect, and happiness, and learn how to accept affection and intimacy from others.

Types of Therapy for Childhood Trauma

There are various types of therapy that can help heal childhood trauma. Each method has its own approach, but all aim to support you in understanding and overcoming the negative effects of trauma. Some of the most effective therapies for trauma include:

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): CBT helps identify and challenge negative thought patterns that have developed as a result of trauma. This type of therapy focuses on changing unhelpful thinking and behaviour, which can improve emotional responses and interactions in relationships.
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (TF-CBT): This is a specific type of CBT that is designed for individuals dealing with trauma. It focuses on both the emotional and psychological effects of traumatic experiences and teaches ways to manage these impacts.
Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is a specialised therapy that helps people process distressing memories and experiences. Through guided eye movements, the therapist helps you reprocess traumatic memories so they no longer trigger intense emotional responses.
Psychodynamic Therapy: This therapy helps uncover how past experiences, particularly from childhood, influence your present-day thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. It focuses on understanding unconscious patterns and working through unresolved issues that may be affecting your relationships.
Somatic Experiencing: This body-focused therapy helps individuals process trauma by focusing on the physical sensations related to traumatic memories. It can be especially helpful for those who struggle with the physical symptoms of trauma, such as tension, panic attacks, or dissociation.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT): DBT helps people manage intense emotions and develop skills in mindfulness, emotional regulation, and interpersonal relationships. It's particularly helpful for individuals who have difficulty managing emotions and those who experience emotional flashbacks.
Attachment-Based Therapy: This therapy focuses on healing relational trauma and improving attachment styles. It's particularly effective for individuals whose childhood experiences of neglect, abandonment, or abuse have impacted their ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.

What to Look for in a Therapist

When seeking therapy for unresolved childhood trauma, it’s important to find a therapist who has experience in trauma work and understands the unique ways trauma impacts relationships. Some key things to look for when choosing a therapist include:

Experience in trauma therapy: Look for therapists who specialise in trauma, particularly those with experience working with childhood trauma. Check their qualifications and areas of expertise to ensure they’re equipped to help with your specific needs.
Comfort and trust: You need to feel safe and comfortable with your therapist, as trust is essential for healing. Make sure they are empathetic, non-judgmental, and able to create a supportive, safe space.
Specialisation in relational trauma: If childhood trauma has affected your relationships, you may want to seek a therapist who specialises in relational trauma, attachment theory, or interpersonal dynamics.
Professional qualifications: Ensure that the therapist is fully qualified, registered with a professional body such as the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), or the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), and holds appropriate certifications.

Where to Find a Therapist in England

If you’re in England and looking for trauma therapy, there are several places you can start your search:

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP): The BACP website offers a search tool where you can find registered therapists in your area who specialise in trauma.
The UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP): Similar to BACP, the UKCP website allows you to search for therapists who are qualified in trauma work.
NHS Services: In some areas, the NHS offers free or low-cost therapy options for trauma. You can ask your GP for a referral or search for local NHS-funded therapy services.
Private Therapy Services: Many private clinics and therapists offer trauma therapy. You can search for therapists through directories or seek recommendations from people you trust.

Average Costs of Therapy in England

The cost of therapy in England can vary depending on factors such as location, the therapist’s experience, and whether the therapy is provided privately or through the NHS.

Private therapy sessions generally cost between £40 and £120 per session. More experienced or specialised therapists may charge higher rates.
NHS therapy services are typically free, though you may need a referral from your GP or may be placed on a waiting list, depending on demand in your area.
Sliding scale fees: Some therapists offer sliding scale fees based on your financial situation, so it’s worth asking if you’re concerned about costs.

How Long Should You Stay in Therapy?

The length of therapy can vary depending on the severity of the trauma, the type of therapy, and your personal progress. On average:

Short-term therapy may last between 6 to 12 sessions. This is often the case for therapies like CBT or EMDR, which focus on specific issues.
Long-term therapy can last from several months to a few years, particularly if you’re dealing with deep-rooted trauma that affects your ongoing relationships and emotional well-being. This may be the case with psychodynamic therapy or trauma-focused therapy.

It's important to remember that therapy isn’t a quick fix. The healing process takes time, and the more committed you are to the process, the more likely you are to see positive results.

What to Expect in Therapy

When you start therapy for unresolved childhood trauma, it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions. The first few sessions will typically involve building rapport with your therapist and discussing your goals for therapy. You might begin by exploring your childhood experiences, but you won’t have to dive into painful memories all at once.

Building trust: The first sessions will focus on creating a safe and trusting environment.
Gradual exploration: Your therapist will help you explore past experiences at your own pace, so you never feel rushed.
Learning coping strategies: Your therapist will help you develop tools and techniques to manage overwhelming emotions and triggers.
Emotional release: You may experience intense emotions as you confront past trauma, but this is a natural part of the healing process.

Healing from childhood trauma can feel overwhelming, but therapy is a critical step in regaining control over your life and relationships. By seeking out professional help and committing to the healing process, you can work through the past, break free from destructive patterns, and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

If you feel ready to begin your healing journey, take that first step today by reaching out to a therapist who can guide you through this process.

Cassim