Why Men Commit More Domestic Violence Than Women
Explore why men commit more domestic violence than women. A psychotherapist explains the social, emotional, and psychological factors behind male aggression and abuse
Why Do Men Commit More Domestic Violence Than Women?
Domestic violence is often spoken about in hushed tones, as if the truth is too uncomfortable to face. Yet the statistics are clear: men commit the majority of severe domestic abuse cases worldwide. But why? Is it biology, culture, psychology, or a combination of all three? As a psychotherapist who has worked with hundreds of men across Britain, I’ve seen the patterns, the stories, and the unseen pressures that can drive a man to harm the people he’s supposed to love. This isn’t about excusing violence—it’s about understanding it, because without understanding, change is almost impossible. In this blog, I want to explore the root causes, the societal factors, and the personal struggles that contribute to male domestic violence. We’ll look beyond stereotypes, challenge myths, and confront uncomfortable truths—because if we want to stop the cycle, we need to see it clearly. First and foremost, it’s really important for people to understand, and we’ll explore this in detail, that many men who come into my therapy room—men who are being accused of being abusers, narcissists, or of isolating their partners through coercive control—often have no real awareness of the full extent of their behavior. As harsh as that may sound, the truth is that the vast majority of these men genuinely do not realize the harm they are causing. Many of them want to stop, they want to change, but for a variety of reasons, they cannot do it alone. One of the most powerful aspects of therapy, and one of the reasons it can be life-changing, is that the first step is often not immediate transformation. Change is important, of course, but before change can happen, awareness must come first. Before a man can talk openly about coercive control, abusive behaviors, or patterns of manipulation, he has to understand what those behaviors actually look like in his life and how they affect those around him. This process requires an environment free from shame, judgment, dismissal, or humiliation. Only when a man feels safe to explore these behaviours openly can genuine understanding and, ultimately, change begin. Therapy provides that space. It allows men to name behaviors they have normalized, to confront patterns they may have inherited or learned, and to begin seeing themselves clearly for the first time. Awareness alone can be revolutionary because it is the foundation upon which real change is built. Without awareness, there can be no transformation; without understanding, the cycle of harm often continues. Part of this self-awareness is what’s called psychoeducation. It’s important to understand that many boys and men do not recognise the seriousness of behaviours like stalking. Often, they think, “It’s not that big of a deal,” because they see it solely from their own perspective, not from the woman’s perspective. In working with men to help them reach awareness—which, as I said, can sometimes be the primary goal—therapy is not always about transformation or immediate change. Sometimes the goal is simply awareness, education, and understanding. This is especially true when working with men who have strong fixed traits formed during childhood. These traits are often deeply ingrained, and in many cases, they cannot change. All of us know someone who, for years or even decades, we’ve tried to help by showing empathy, understanding, and kindness, only to realise that they remain unchanged. For many men and boys, change is not appealing because their current behaviours “work” for them. Or they have not been offered an alternative that guarantees the same effectiveness for both their image, status, and internal sense of control. If change brings uncertainty or a perceived loss of control—even if it increases the safety and well-being of those around them—they often see it as a loss, not a win. When I work with men in therapy, a central part of my role is helping them understand, from multiple perspectives—their mother’s, their sister’s, the legal perspective—what their actions actually mean. Many of them simply do not know the full impact of their behaviour.
I Love Being a Dad More Than Anything – The Heartbreak of Your Kids Growing Up
“My son who is 19 is soon going to university. What I don’t tell anyone is that the thought gives me panic attacks.” This is the sort of thing I hear from fathers who come to see me in therapy.
You would think that after 19 years of nappies, endless expenses, sleepless nights, uncertainty, loss of identity, house moves, personal sacrifices, and constantly clearing up toys and tantrums, that your son or daughter leaving home would feel like a relief. Finally, a clean and quiet house. Finally, you can design and curate your life as you want it, not around the kids’ school runs, football practices, or late-night lifts. You could even walk around the house naked if you wanted.
But for many fathers, this is not how it feels. Instead of joy, this transition often brings a heavy sense of loss. It’s a period of change in almost every area of life: identity, routine, purpose, even relationships.
Loss of Competence & Role: Many fathers realise that so much of their sense of usefulness came from parenting. Whether it was fixing a bike, explaining homework, or being the one to calm a teenager after a bad day, that role gave them daily moments of competence and validation. Without it, some fathers feel redundant.
Routine Disruption: You’ve spent nearly two decades structuring your life around school terms, holidays, sports days, and exam timetables. Suddenly, there’s no need to rush home to cook or to wait up until they’ve returned safely. That can feel like both a relief and a void. One father described how every night for years, he would wait for the sound of his son’s key in the door before allowing himself to sleep. Now, in his absence, the silence keeps him awake.
Redefining Self & Enjoyment: Fathers often find themselves asking: What do I enjoy, aside from being a dad? For years, choices revolved around the children’s interests—family holidays were about theme parks or beach play, weekends were about football matches, ballet recitals, or swimming lessons. Now, fathers are left to rediscover what brings them joy outside of family duty.
Relationship Shifts: For some couples, the “empty nest” means having to renegotiate their intimate relationship. When the children are gone, there’s nowhere to hide behind the busyness of parenting. Some couples reconnect deeply, but others feel the strain of suddenly having to face each other without distraction. A father shared how, for the first time in years, he and his wife were eating dinner alone. Instead of feeling romantic, it felt awkward—like two strangers in the same house.
Lifestyle Adjustments: Some parents downsize their homes, change their routines, or even rethink their finances. That can bring up its own grief, as though they’re “closing the book” on a chapter of life.
To read the full article, to to cassimkaweesa.substack.com
My Son Told My Wife He’s Gay – A Father’s Journey Parenting a Teenage Gay or Bisexual Son
A father sits across from me and says, “I’m not homophobic or anything, but I’m finding this really difficult. My son told my wife that he’s gay. Well, actually, he told her he’s bisexual, but really, he’s gay. I suppose I’ve always known deep down, but now it’s out in the open.”
These are the sorts of words I might hear from a father whose world has just been turned upside down. And what is worse, everyone in the family knows except for the father. He is the last to find out. You would imagine that when a child comes forward and shares who they are, it should be one of the proudest and most beautiful moments for a parent. And in many ways it can be. But the truth is, for some men, it is not so simple. And unfortunately dad’s are usually the last to find out. Usually siblings, mum, friends and others know before him. Which in itself can feel like a betrayal, that his son didnt feel he could come and tell him personally. That his wife had to warn him about what is coming in the coming weeks. This same father may have gay or lesbian colleagues at work. His company may even have policies and banners showing support for the LGBTQ+ community. He may happily sign petitions or nod along to campaigns. But when it comes into his own home, when it is his son, it feels very different. Because now it is not just an idea, it is personal. It touches something deep. For many men, especially those from more traditional or conservative backgrounds, this shakes the ground they stand on. They have grown up believing certain roles, rules and traditions are the way life works. Being a man means one thing. Being a father means another. Being straight is assumed. And suddenly, their son’s truth throws all of that into question. Alot of these beliefs they have never even thought about. They went with the flow. So one of the things we would explore is those beliefs. A son coming out challenges identity. It asks uncomfortable questions. If your son is bisexual or gay, what does that mean about you? If your child has stepped outside of the world of “straight or nothing,” does that mean there is a spectrum for everyone? And if you have been raised to believe that the only options are straight or damned, what do you do now? The father is not only wrestling with his son’s identity but also with his own. What does it mean for him as a man? What does it mean for him as a father? And a quiet fear sometimes lingers: if his son is gay and he came from him, does that somehow make him question his own sexuality? These are the unspoken battles that can rise up in the room. The love for the son is still there, but it is tangled with fear, confusion, pride, shame and a thousand unasked questions.
Me, 42, Divorced, Mum of Three — And He’s 25: Why Young, Childless Men Chase Older Women
It’s not a controversial statement to say that most women don’t usually get into serious relationships with younger men. Globally, married men are on average four years older than their wives. The smallest gap, in Europe and North America, is less than three years. The largest gap is in sub-Saharan Africa, where men tend to be more than eight years older than their wives. In a recent survey of 130 countries, none had heterosexual couples where men tended to be younger than their partners or even the same age. US census data shows that in half of married couples, the man is at least two years older than the female, while only 14% have a woman who is older by the same margin. In England and Wales, nearly a third of married couples have an age difference of five or more years.
The reasons for that are fairly well understood. But in my therapy room, I’ve worked with a number of young men who are in these relationships. And they often come to therapy because they’re facing challenges that aren’t easy to talk about. Their families may not approve, they can’t bring their partner to work events, they avoid posting about them online, and they certainly can’t bring them to Christmas parties without awkward questions. And yet, these relationships exist, and often with love at the centre. Both partners are consenting adults who have made a conscious choice to be together.
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