Something Feels Off… and You Don’t Know Why
There are times when life seems to be going smoothly, and then out of nowhere—something shifts. Your mood dips. You feel restless, low, irritated, or just... numb. But there’s no clear reason why. No argument. No crisis. Just this heavy cloud hanging over you. You are not weak. You are not broken. What you might be experiencing is something psychologists call the anniversary effect.
What Is the Anniversary Effect?
The anniversary effect refers to a surge of emotions, distress, or psychological discomfort that often appears around the same time each year. It’s usually linked to the anniversary of a painful or traumatic event—a death, a breakup, a life change, or even a forgotten milestone. Even if you can't consciously recall the exact date, your body remembers. Your nervous system keeps score.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, trauma expert and author of The Body Keeps the Score, says it clearly:
“Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body.”
That imprint doesn’t always go away quietly. Sometimes, it shows up unannounced.
This Isn’t Just About Grief from Death
Many people assume the anniversary effect only applies to bereavement. But it can stem from all kinds of non-death losses:
- Losing access to your children
- Leaving your home country or city
- A breakup or divorce
- A miscarriage or abortion
- Losing a job or identity (e.g. ex-athlete, soldier, or provider)
- Hitting a birthday or age where you expected life to look different
These moments leave emotional fingerprints—especially when they remain unprocessed.
How It Shows Up in Men (And Why We Miss It)
For many men, the anniversary effect creeps in without warning or language. You might start drinking more in December—the same month you split with your ex. You get moody every March, without realising it’s when your father passed. Or you feel off during your son’s birthday, even if you haven’t seen him in years. These patterns often repeat year after year. Because society teaches boys and men to “move on,” we often don’t link these feelings to memory. Instead, we:
- Shut down emotionally
- Numb out with alcohol, porn, weed, or work
- Lash out in anger
- Retreat into isolation
The problem isn't the emotion—it's the lack of tools and permission to recognise it.
The Body Remembers What the Mind Tries to Forget
The body is a calendar of emotion. Here are some physical signs the anniversary effect may be at play:
- Trouble sleeping or nightmares
- Irritability or quick temper
- A drop in libido or compulsive sexual behaviour
- Headaches, muscle tension, or chest tightness
- Cravings for food, drugs, or risky behaviour
This isn’t weakness. This is survival. And like Jason Bourne in The Bourne Identity, many men are reacting from instinct, not memory. He doesn’t know what happened to him—but his body does. That’s not dysfunction. That’s trauma doing its job.
Digital Triggers: When Facebook Memories Hurt
In the age of social media, we get unwanted reminders without even trying. You’re scrolling and suddenly, Facebook shows a picture from a wedding, a hospital visit, or an old birthday.
Your stomach drops. You feel disoriented. That’s not random—that’s the anniversary effect in real time.
Culture and Spirit: More Than Psychology
In many cultures, this isn’t just psychological. It’s spiritual.
In Uganda and across Africa, many believe the soul, the ancestors, or the energy of a place can awaken memories that haven't been honoured. Pain wants a witness. The past calls not to haunt you, but to be heard. Even in Christianity, Islam, or traditional belief systems, there's an understanding that some wounds carry across time unless they are acknowledged.
You don’t have to believe in spirits to understand this. But sometimes, psychology doesn’t fully explain the weight in your chest. That’s why reflection, ritual, and storytelling matter.
What You Can Do
Here are four steps that might help you recognise and manage the anniversary effect:
1. Track the Dates
If you notice you always feel low or irritable around the same time each year, look back. Ask yourself:
- What happened around this time?
- Is there an event I’ve never fully processed?
- Is there someone or something I lost?
2. Talk to Someone
Therapy isn’t just for breakdowns. It’s a space to understand yourself. Even saying, “I don’t know why I feel like this,” can start a powerful process.
3. Mark the Moment
Write a letter you never send. Light a candle. Visit a place. Go for a walk with intention. You don’t need to “move on”—you need to move with what you're carrying.
4. Prepare Ahead of Time
If you know October or March tends to be difficult, plan for it. Let a friend, partner, or therapist know. Book rest. Say no to pressure. Give yourself a buffer.
A Final Word: You’re Not Broken, You’re Remembering
This isn’t about becoming Batman. But like Bruce Wayne, many of us live with shadows. He doesn’t need a reminder on the calendar. Every alleyway speaks to his loss. That’s the anniversary effect. His past shaped him—but didn’t define him.
Masculinity isn’t about shutting down emotion. It’s about facing life honestly and responding with courage. Your job isn’t to erase the past, but to understand how it shows up in your present.
Reflection Prompt
“Is there a time of year when I always feel off or triggered? What might my body be remembering that I’ve tried to forget?”
Want to Go Deeper?
If any of this resonates with you, check out my latest book: Why Should I Talk About My Feelings? I’m a Man: How to Get Boys and Men into Therapy (And Why They’ll Actually Want to Stay) — available now on Amazon. In it, I explore how men process pain, why so many avoid vulnerability, and what actually helps them grow without losing themselves in the process.
Cassim