"I thought I’d feel whole after I found her, but instead I just felt confused. She didn’t remember the same details I had memorised all my life. She didn’t want to talk about why. It helped knowing that I wasn’t the only one who felt let down."
Why I’m Writing This Blog About Adoption and Mental Health
In recent years, social media platforms like Facebook, online genealogy services like Ancestry, and DNA testing have given boys and men growing up adopted new ways to search for their birth parents, often bypassing the usual channels and sometimes going around the “keepers” of that information, such as their adoptive families or social workers.
While this can bring answers, it can also open a complex can of worms. Families can be caught off guard. Relationships can become strained or broken. Emotions run high and old wounds may resurface sometimes without warning.
Because adoption is so deeply personal and layered with emotional complexity, counselling and professional support are essential. Until recently, only qualified counsellors registered with recognised bodies were trusted to work with adopted adults and there is good reason for that. Adoption involves trauma, identity, grief and often lifelong feelings that are difficult to navigate alone.
This blog is here to shed light on some of the most common questions and struggles around adoption especially for men and boys. It is a way to offer support, understanding and hope and to encourage anyone affected to seek the right help along the way.
Did You Know? Adoption in the UK — What Boys and Men Should Know
- Around 4,500 children are adopted in the UK each year, many of them boys and young men looking for a permanent home and identity.
- Over 60% of children adopted from care in the UK are boys, yet the emotional struggles boys face after adoption often go unspoken.
- Many adopted men report feeling a sense of ‘otherness’ or not quite belonging, even in loving families — a feeling that can last into adulthood.
- Research shows that adopted adults are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming close relationships than non-adopted adults.
- Nearly one in three adopted adults have searched for their birth parents, but fewer than half find the answers they hoped for.
- Boys and men who were adopted often face unique challenges around identity, trust, and expressing emotions, partly because of societal expectations of masculinity.
- Despite these challenges, many men find that therapy and support groups help them make sense of their adoption story and find peace.
Most Asked Questions About Adoption and Mental Health
Adoption brings hope, love, and second chances — but it can also carry deep emotional wounds, confusion, and struggles that show up years later. Whether you're an adoptee, an adoptive parent, or someone working with adopted people, here are some of the most common questions people ask in therapy about adoption.
“Why do I feel rejected, even though I was adopted into a loving family?”
Answer: Even when adoption happens for the best reasons, the early separation from your birth parents can leave a lasting sense of loss or rejection. This is sometimes called a “primal wound” — something felt before you even had words for it. It can show up later in life as people-pleasing, difficulty trusting others, or a fear of being left again.
“Why don’t I feel like I belong — anywhere?”
Answer: A lot of adopted people describe a feeling of not quite fitting in — not in their adoptive family, their cultural background, or even with friends. This sense of “otherness” can be rooted in early disconnection and identity confusion. Therapy can help you piece together your own story and rebuild a sense of self and belonging.
“Is it normal to feel angry about being adopted?”
Answer: Yes. Many adoptees feel angry at different times — at their birth parents, at the system, or even at their adoptive parents. This anger often comes from a place of pain or confusion. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or bad — it means you’re human. Therapy offers a safe space to unpack those feelings without judgement.
“Why do I struggle to trust people or form close relationships?”
Answer: If your early experiences involved loss, abandonment, or inconsistent care, your brain and body may have learned that closeness isn’t safe. Even if your adoptive family was loving, those early messages can be hard to unlearn. Therapy can gently help you build trust at your own pace.
“Why do I feel like I need to be perfect all the time?”
Answer: Many adopted people live with an unspoken pressure to be “good” or “grateful.” You might fear rejection if you show anger, sadness, or struggle. This can lead to perfectionism, burnout, or people-pleasing. Therapy helps you explore those expectations and learn that you're allowed to be fully human — not just agreeable.
“Why do I feel guilty for wanting to know about my birth parents?”
Answer: It’s completely natural to be curious about where you come from. Wanting answers doesn’t mean you’re rejecting your adoptive parents. You’re allowed to hold more than one truth — gratitude and grief, love and loss. Therapy can support you in navigating these complex feelings.
“Why do I feel empty — like something’s always missing?”
Answer: This “empty space” is something many adoptees describe. It can lead to risky behaviours, emotional numbness, or a lifelong search for meaning. Sometimes, it’s about a missing history or identity. Therapy can help you sit with that emptiness and gradually fill it with self-understanding and healing.
“I adopted a child — why am I struggling so much as a parent?”
Answer: Adoption comes with layers of emotional complexity. You might be dealing with trauma that your child can’t verbalise. Or you may have expected the bond to feel more natural. That doesn’t make you a bad parent — it makes you human. Therapy can support you, help process guilt or grief, and guide you through the challenges of parenting a child with a difficult start.
“Why is my adopted child pushing me away when all I do is love them?”
Answer: Children with early trauma often struggle to accept love — not because they don’t want it, but because they don’t trust it. Being close can feel scary or unfamiliar. What looks like rejection is often protection. Therapy (for you, your child, or both) can help untangle these responses and build stronger connections over time.
“Can therapy really help with all of this?”
Answer: Yes — therapy can be life-changing for adoptees and adoptive families. It gives you a safe space to feel, explore, and understand what’s beneath the surface. It won’t erase the past, but it can help you stop reliving it. And it can support you in creating a future that feels more honest, connected, and whole.
The Hidden Struggles of Adults Affected by Adoption
Adoption is often talked about as a happy ending — a child in need finds a loving home. But for many adoptees and adoptive parents, the story doesn’t stop there. Adoption can leave behind invisible scars, deep emotional confusion, and struggles that carry on well into adulthood.
For the Adoptee: Living with Unseen Wounds
Even if adopted into a stable and loving home, many adoptees describe feeling different, disconnected, or not quite at home in their own lives. These feelings often trace back to the early loss of their birth parents, which can leave a lifelong impact — even if they were adopted as babies.
Here are some of the most common challenges adopted adults experience:
- Feeling rejected or abandoned — a constant alertness to being left or not wanted again.
- Struggling with identity — many don’t feel like they fully know who they are, or where they belong.
- No clear sense of safety or trust — this can make relationships difficult and sometimes exhausting.
- A need for control — trying to manage everything tightly as a response to having no say in their own adoption.
- Coping through harmful behaviours — such as drinking, drugs, stealing, hoarding, disordered eating, or self-harm.
- Always being “on guard” — a state of hypervigilance where anxiety runs constantly in the background.
- Feeling different — a sense of "otherness", of not quite fitting in, even in their own family.
- Confusion around love and attachment — especially when self-worth and confidence are missing.
Many adopted adults describe relationships that feel risky, confusing, or unsafe. Some may find themselves in abusive or controlling relationships, often without realising why.
Adoption also brings complex family dynamics. Adopted people may have birth siblings they’ve never met or may have been treated differently to biological children in their adoptive family. Even when surrounded by love, they may feel a deep sense of gratitude mixed with guilt, unsure of how to express anger, grief, or pain in case they seem ungrateful.
Before You Search: What to Know Before Finding Your Birth Parents
For many adopted people, the desire to find their birth parents is strong and understandable. It’s a deep pull — to know where you come from, to fill in the missing pieces, to maybe feel whole. But what’s often not talked about is that this journey can be complex, painful, and full of unexpected twists.
If you’re thinking about searching, here are some important things to consider first — not to scare you, but to help you move forward with your eyes open.
1. You might find out things you weren’t prepared for.
Sometimes the truth is harder than the silence.
- Your birth parents may have criminal histories — including violence, sex offences, or abuse.
- You could discover siblings you didn’t know existed, some of whom may not want contact — or may want more than you’re ready for.
- You might find out you were conceived in painful circumstances, such as rape or trafficking.
- Your birth parent may be struggling with mental illness, addiction, or homelessness.
These truths can be deeply disorienting. Therapy can help you prepare emotionally and support you if the reality turns out to be more than you expected.
2. Your birth parents may not want to be found.
And that can feel like being rejected all over again.
Some people go into a search hoping for a warm reunion, but are instead met with silence, avoidance, or outright rejection. Not everyone wants to reopen the past. Some may have never told their current family about you. Others may still carry shame, guilt, or denial.
It’s painful, but it’s not about your worth — it’s about their own unresolved trauma.
3. They may make contact… and then disappear.
Not all reunions are permanent. Sometimes birth parents respond with excitement, only to pull away months or years later. That loss can feel even worse than the first one, because now there’s a relationship — and then it’s gone. People are complicated. Some reconnect too fast, without doing the emotional work, and can’t cope with the reality. Others drift away when life gets difficult, or their current family pressures them to cut ties.
4. Reconnecting can affect your current relationships.
Not everyone in your life will understand your decision.
- Your partner may feel confused or threatened by your emotional rollercoaster.
- Your children might not know how to relate to this “new” side of your life.
- Your adoptive parents may feel hurt, insecure, or betrayed — even if you still love them deeply.
There’s no right or wrong here, but it’s important to communicate openly and seek support if your search creates friction at home.
5. You might feel more unsettled, not less.
Closure isn’t always what you expect.
Some people think finding their birth parents will make them feel complete. And sometimes it does — but often, it brings more questions than answers. You might leave with confusion, sadness, or anger instead of peace. You might even feel guilty for how you feel, especially if things didn’t go the way you hoped.
Knowing the truth doesn’t always mean feeling better — and that’s okay.
6. Fantasy doesn’t always match reality.
Many adoptees imagine the reunion for years — what they'll say, how it’ll feel. But the real person might be nothing like you pictured.
- They may be cold, defensive, or emotionally distant.
- You might have nothing in common.
- They may deny the truth or rewrite history.
- You may feel no emotional connection at all.
This can be crushing. Therapy or support groups can help you process the grief of a fantasy that doesn’t come true.
7. The impact might hit you long after.
Even if the reunion goes well, it can shake your sense of self.
You may start questioning your identity, relationships, upbringing, or values. You might feel grief for what was lost, or guilt for what was found. All of this is normal. You’re not overreacting — you’re just human.
So... Should You Search?
That’s entirely up to you. There's no right or wrong answer. Some people find healing, connection, and peace. Others find pain, distance, and hard truths. Many experience a mix of both. The key is not to rush. Think about your expectations. Talk to someone who understands adoption. Prepare yourself emotionally. And remember — finding your roots is powerful, but it won’t replace the work of healing.
DNA tests can reveal more than you bargained for
These days, many people find relatives through services like AncestryDNA or 23andMe — sometimes without meaning to.
Be aware that:
- You might get matched with siblings, cousins, or a parent unexpectedly
- These matches may lead to contact before you’re ready
- You may discover family secrets that were never meant to be known
Once a truth is out, it affects everyone. Proceed with caution — and emotional support.
Fantasy vs. Reality: Two different worlds
Adoptees often carry a lifelong fantasy of their birth parent. They imagine what they’d say. How they’d feel. What life might’ve been like.
But when reality shows up, it might be:
- An awkward, distant person with little in common
- Someone who refuses to talk about the past
- A person stuck in their own pain, unable to connect
- A total mismatch with who you hoped they’d be
It’s painful to grieve the parent you imagined — but healing begins with accepting the truth, even when it hurts.
The emotional impact doesn’t happen all at once
You may feel nothing at first — and then weeks later, everything crashes down. Or you might be overwhelmed with emotions immediately and feel regretful. Even if the reunion goes well, it can still shake up your identity, sense of self, or beliefs about family.
This journey doesn’t just affect the day you meet them. It affects everything around it, sometimes for years to come.
Before you search, ask yourself...
- Why do I want to find them — and what do I hope will happen?
- Am I emotionally prepared for any outcome, not just the one I want?
- Do I have support — a therapist, a trusted friend, a group — if things go wrong?
- Have I thought about how this might affect the people in my life?
- What if I feel worse, not better, after I find them?
There are no wrong answers — only honest ones. The more real you are with yourself, the more resilient you’ll be.
For Adoptive Parents: Unspoken Grief and Silent Struggles
Adoptive parents also face challenges that are rarely talked about. Many come into adoption carrying their own grief — perhaps the grief of not being able to have biological children, or the loss of a dream they once had.
Some of the issues they face include:
- Fear of judgement — especially during the long, demanding adoption process.
- Isolation — many feel unsupported or misunderstood, even by family.
- Confusion and disappointment — when the bond they hoped for doesn’t come easily.
- Stress in their relationship — especially if they disagree on parenting or feel emotionally burnt out.
- Difficulty understanding their child’s behaviour — wondering what’s normal, and what’s trauma-related.
- Guilt or sadness — when their child seeks out birth family, or struggles to accept love.
Adoptive parents may also be dealing with cross-cultural differences, disability, trauma symptoms, or the effects of being a carer to a child who has experienced neglect, abuse, or disrupted attachments. And as children grow, the challenges can shift — for example, a compliant young child might become an angry, risk-taking teenager.
The Role of Therapy: Giving Words to the Wordless
One of the biggest hurdles in adoption is that much of the trauma lives outside of language. For the child, the pain may be preverbal — they feel it in their body, not in words. For the parent, many reactions come from deeper, unconscious places. This makes it hard to name what's happening, let alone work through it.
That’s where therapy can make a real difference.
- It offers a space to explore grief, fear, anger, and loss.
- It helps adoptees find language for what they’ve never been able to say.
- It supports parents in making sense of their own emotions and their child’s behaviour.
- It creates the possibility of safety, belonging, and healing.
Adoption is full of love, but it’s also full of complexity. And that’s okay. Therapy doesn’t take away the pain — but it gives people the tools to live with it, understand it, and grow from it.
Different Ways People Are Adopted in the UK
Adoption is a big decision that changes lives – for children and for families. In the UK, there isn’t just one way to adopt a child. Depending on the situation, the type of adoption can vary. Some children are adopted through the care system, others through private arrangements or even by relatives. Here's a breakdown of the different ways adoption can happen in the UK.
1. Adoption through the Local Authority (Public Adoption)
This is the most common route in the UK. It usually involves children who have been taken into care because their birth parents are unable to look after them safely – often due to neglect, abuse, or serious family difficulties.
- These children are placed with foster carers first.
- The court decides that adoption is in their best interests.
- Local authorities (your local council) look for suitable adoptive families.
- The adoption is then arranged through a registered adoption agency.
This process is free of charge, and training and support are provided to help people prepare.
2. Private Adoption (Step-parent or Relative Adoption)
Sometimes, adoption happens within a family or close relationship – for example, a step-parent adopting their partner’s child, or a grandparent adopting their grandchild.
- This is known as non-agency adoption.
- The child usually already knows the person adopting them.
- You still need to apply to the court, and a social worker will do an assessment.
- The adopter must usually have lived with the child for a certain period.
This route is often emotional, as it involves family dynamics, but it can offer stability for the child.
3. Fostering for Adoption (Early Permanence)
This is a newer option where potential adopters foster a child while the court is still deciding what should happen long-term.
- The child is placed with you early, avoiding multiple moves.
- If the court later decides that adoption is best, you can go on to adopt the child.
- If not, the child may return to their birth family or another relative.
It’s a beautiful but sometimes uncertain route – as you have to be prepared for the possibility that the child may not stay with you permanently.
4. Adoption from Overseas (Intercountry Adoption)
Some people in the UK adopt children from other countries.
- This is a more complex and expensive process.
- You must go through an approved adoption agency and get approval from UK authorities and the child’s home country.
- There are also immigration and legal steps to go through.
This route is often chosen when people feel a connection to a particular country or want to adopt a child from a specific background.
5. Kinship Adoption (Family or Friends)
This is when a child is adopted by a family member or close friend, usually after social services have become involved.
- This can happen if the child can’t return to their birth parents.
- Adoption gives legal rights and responsibilities to the new carer.
- It can offer long-term stability for the child while keeping them connected to their roots.
It’s not always the first choice – some prefer alternatives like special guardianship – but it can be right in some situations.
Books Particularly Useful for Adopted Boys and Men
1. The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier
This classic addresses the core emotional pain many adoptees experience, and boys are no exception. It helps men understand feelings of loss and identity that often stay unspoken.
2. Raising Boys with ADHD by Mary Anne Richey
While not adoption-specific, this book offers insight into emotional regulation and behavioural challenges common among boys, which can intersect with trauma from adoption.
3. Lost and Found: Adopting the Hurt Child by Sally-Anne McCormack
This book acknowledges how trauma impacts boys and girls differently and offers guidance tailored to help boys navigate complex feelings.
4. Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore
While broadly applicable, this book’s faith-based and emotional healing perspective often resonates with men seeking meaning and identity through adoption.
5. Boys and Young Men in Therapy by Mark D. Griffiths
Though not adoption-specific, it provides understanding about how boys and men process emotions differently, offering strategies that can complement adoption-focused therapy.
6. The Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes
Not about adoption directly but highly useful for men dealing with emotional suppression, which is common in adopted males struggling with vulnerability.
7. No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover
Addresses patterns of people-pleasing and hidden anger that some adopted men might experience as a reaction to early abandonment or trauma.
Recommended Books for Adoptees and Adoptive Parents
1. The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier
This book explores the deep emotional trauma many adoptees experience from early separation from their birth mothers. It’s a classic for understanding the hidden wounds adoption can leave.
2. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
A practical, compassionate guide that helps adoptive parents understand the inner world of their adopted children.
3. The Adoption Triangle by Donata and David Pearson
This book offers insight into the perspectives of adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents — helping all parties understand each other better.
4. Adoption Dynamics by Margaret Boemer and Rita J. Simon
A detailed look at the emotional and social dynamics in adoption for both children and parents.
5. The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine
Focused on attachment and trauma, this book offers effective strategies for adoptive parents working with children who have experienced early trauma.
6. The Lost Daughter by Jenny Wren
A memoir that explores the complex emotions adoptees face when reconnecting with birth families.
7. Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore
A thoughtful exploration of adoption from a faith and emotional healing perspective, helpful for both parents and adoptees.
8. Adoption: What Parents and Parents-to-Be Need to Know by Jane Blunden
A practical resource covering the adoption process and emotional aspects for prospective and current adoptive parents.
How Male Minds Counselling Can Help Men in Reading and Berkshire
At Male Minds Counselling, based in Reading and serving the wider Berkshire area, we understand that men face unique challenges when it comes to mental health and emotional wellbeing. Many men struggle in silence with stress, anxiety, anger, trauma, or relationship issues — often because society makes it difficult to openly talk about feelings.
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What We Offer in Reading and Berkshire
- A Safe, Non-Judgmental Space for Men:
Whether you live in Reading, Wokingham, Bracknell, or anywhere in Berkshire, we provide a confidential and supportive environment where men can speak openly and honestly about their struggles. - Counselling Tailored to Men’s Needs:
We focus on common issues men face including anxiety, depression, anger management, fatherhood challenges, identity, trauma, and relationship difficulties. - Flexible Sessions to Suit You:
We offer both in-person counselling in Reading and online sessions across Berkshire, with one-to-one support and group workshops designed specifically for men and boys. - Confidential and Respectful:
Your privacy is paramount. At Male Minds Counselling, you are in control of your healing journey in a respectful and secure space. - Helping Men Find Their Voice:
Many men find it hard to express their emotions. We help you build confidence to communicate effectively — both in therapy and in everyday life.
Why Choose Male Minds Counselling in Reading and Berkshire?
- We specialise in counselling men and boys, understanding the pressures unique to men living in Reading and the surrounding Berkshire areas.
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Get Support from Male Minds Counselling Today
If you’re in Reading or anywhere in Berkshire and want to take the first step towards improved mental health, Male Minds Counselling is here for you. Whether you want to explore counselling or join one of our workshops tailored for men, get in touch today.
Let us help you find the support you deserve.
Cassim