A father sits across from me and says, “I’m not homophobic or anything, but I’m finding this really difficult. My son told my wife that he’s gay. Well, actually, he told her he’s bisexual, but really, he’s gay. I suppose I’ve always known deep down, but now it’s out in the open.”
These are the sorts of words I might hear from a father whose world has just been turned upside down. And what is worse, everyone in the family knows except for the father. He is the last to find out. You would imagine that when a child comes forward and shares who they are, it should be one of the proudest and most beautiful moments for a parent. And in many ways it can be. But the truth is, for some men, it is not so simple. And unfortunately dad’s are usually the last to find out. Usually siblings, mum, friends and others know before him. Which in itself can feel like a betrayal, that his son didnt feel he could come and tell him personally. That his wife had to warn him about what is coming in the coming weeks.
This same father may have gay or lesbian colleagues at work. His company may even have policies and banners showing support for the LGBTQ+ community. He may happily sign petitions or nod along to campaigns. But when it comes into his own home, when it is his son, it feels very different. Because now it is not just an idea, it is personal. It touches something deep.
For many men, especially those from more traditional or conservative backgrounds, this shakes the ground they stand on. They have grown up believing certain roles, rules and traditions are the way life works. Being a man means one thing. Being a father means another. Being straight is assumed. And suddenly, their son’s truth throws all of that into question. Alot of these beliefs they have never even thought about. They went with the flow. So one of the things we would explore is those beliefs.
A son coming out challenges identity. It asks uncomfortable questions. If your son is bisexual or gay, what does that mean about you? If your child has stepped outside of the world of “straight or nothing,” does that mean there is a spectrum for everyone? And if you have been raised to believe that the only options are straight or damned, what do you do now?
The father is not only wrestling with his son’s identity but also with his own. What does it mean for him as a man? What does it mean for him as a father? And a quiet fear sometimes lingers: if his son is gay and he came from him, does that somehow make him question his own sexuality? These are the unspoken battles that can rise up in the room. The love for the son is still there, but it is tangled with fear, confusion, pride, shame and a thousand unasked questions.
But of course, another thing to remember is that once your child has come out, questions are going to be asked of you. The other day I was listening to a podcast on ADHD. A father shared that he was out with his son, who is non-verbal. Somebody accidentally bumped into his boy, and when the son didn’t say “sorry,” the man he bumped into got irritated. The father stepped in and explained, “My son is non-verbal.” Instead of showing any understanding, the man snapped back, “Oh, so your son’s spastic then?” The father, understandably, was furious and told him not to use that word. But the man only escalated and threw it back at him: “What, are you spastic as well?”
This story stays with me because it shows how cruel and thoughtless people can be, and it’s the kind of ignorance and prejudice that parents sometimes have to deal with. The same happens when a child comes out as gay, bisexual, or part of the LGBTQ+ community. People start asking questions. It might be grandparents, siblings, friends, colleagues, or even your spouse. They may look at you and ask, “What does this mean for your son? What does this mean for your family?”
This is why, in therapy, I often spend a lot of time around what we call pyscheducation. This means I educate the client based on my clinical experience and theoritical understanding. Because if you are really struggling, one of the steps we may need to take is helping you reach a place of acceptance. And getting to acceptance isn’t always quick or easy. It means confronting your own feelings, your own beliefs, and the way you were raised. But even beyond acceptance, there’s the question of how you actually live with it. How do you navigate everyday life when this becomes part of your family story?
You may find yourself wondering, do you go to Pride with your son? Will he want to connect with peer groups or youth groups where he feels understood? Are you ready for conversations around things you may never have thought about before, like HIV prevention and medication such as PrEP? Do you know about the dangers of certain apps, like Grindr, where young men can be vulnerable?
As a parent, you may need to have conversations you never imagined—conversations about safety, about boundaries, about consent. The reality is that young men, especially those who are inexperienced, can be vulnerable to exploitation. Older men may try to take advantage of them, sometimes offering money or alcohol. Some will seek out risky situations, like meeting strangers late at night, even in cars. The statistics on sexual assault among young men, particularly between the ages of 15 and 23, are deeply concerning, and these are things we cannot ignore.
So therapy is not only about supporting you emotionally, it’s also about equipping you. It’s about giving you the knowledge and confidence to guide your son through this world in a way that keeps him safe and loved. It’s about helping you understand what your child may be exposed to, the pressures he may face, and how you can stand with him in the middle of it all. Because your role as a father doesn’t stop with acceptance—it grows into protection, guidance, and continued love.
Another part of this journey is recognising that the dynamics in your family and your vision of the future may begin to shift. For many fathers, there is a period of loss, grief, and transition. You might have pictured a particular future for your son—getting married to a woman, having children in the “traditional” way, carrying on the family name in a certain manner. When your son comes out, that picture may no longer fit, and that can be painful to face.
It doesn’t mean that your son won’t have love, marriage, or children. But it may look different. He may one day choose to adopt, or to have a child through surrogacy. He may decide to move to another part of the country—or even abroad—if the place you live feels too hostile or unsafe because of homophobia. The plans you once had in your head may need to be redesigned and remodelled to meet the reality of his life, his choices, and his safety.
And this reality isn’t just shaped at home. It can also come from outside, from the school environment. If your son faces bullying, exclusion, or prejudice at school, then that too becomes part of the family’s journey. Parents often find themselves navigating meetings with teachers, trying to advocate for their child, and at times struggling with their own emotions while also needing to protect and support their son. So, in many ways, this process isn’t only about your son coming out. It is also about you, as a father, going through your own transition, letting go of one imagined future and slowly learning to embrace a new one.
What is Ambiguous Loss & Why It Matters Here
Ambiguous loss is a psychological idea coined by Pauline Boss, meaning a kind of loss that is unclear, incomplete, or without closure. It’s when something has changed, but not in the way a death does; there’s someone there physically, but the relationship or expectations have shifted.
When a child comes out, especially if expectations were fixed (e.g. “my child will marry someone of the opposite sex, have kids, etc.”), parents often experience a kind of ambiguous loss. They are not losing their child, but they are losing some of the future they had imagined.
Faith, Family, and the Fight to Stand by Your Son
One of the biggest struggles you may face, and something we can work through together in therapy, is the fact that even if you come to accept your son, others close to you may not. It might be your wife or partner who finds it harder to come to terms with. Or perhaps as a family you reach a place of acceptance, but your wider community does not. This can be especially painful when it comes to faith.
Your church, mosque, synagogue, or whichever community of belief you belong to may hold a very different position. Some traditions make it clear that they cannot accept your son’s sexuality, and this creates a very real clash for you. The truth is, you may be forced into making difficult choices.
Some parents have chosen to step away from their faith community so that they can stand with their child. Others find themselves pulled in two directions, caught in what psychologists call “cognitive dissonance.” That means holding two powerful but conflicting truths at the same time: “I love my son and want to support him” and “my faith tells me this is wrong.” Living with that tension can be exhausting and painful.
This conflict becomes even more intense if you hold a senior role in your faith community—perhaps as a pastor, youth leader, minister, or elder. In those cases, the pressure is doubled, because now it isn’t just about your own personal beliefs, but also about your reputation, your position, and the expectations of others. The question becomes brutal: do you stay loyal to your child, or to your faith position? Do you risk rejection from your community, or rejection of your son?
It is a horrible position to be put in, but many fathers and families have found themselves exactly there. In therapy, part of the work is to sit with this reality without judgement, to explore the costs and consequences of each path, and to help you find a way forward that allows you to stay true to your values while not abandoning your son.
Intersectionality and Culture
A father’s reaction to his child coming out is never shaped by personality alone. Culture, ethnicity, social class, and migration history all play a huge role. For some men, particularly those from African, Asian, Middle Eastern, or other tightly-knit communities, the idea of family honour can feel like a weight pressing down on every decision. Questions like, “What will people say?” or “How will our relatives react?” can loom larger than personal feelings about the child.
This isn’t just about pride, it’s about a network of expectations that stretch far beyond the home. Fathers may feel pressure not just from their immediate family, but from grandparents, cousins, neighbours, and even community elders. This adds layers of secrecy, silence, or tension. Some fathers may keep the news private for fear of gossip, judgement, or shame. Others may struggle to express love openly, worried it might be seen as condoning or encouraging something “against the norm.” In therapy, exploring these cultural pressures is vital. Fathers need a safe space to untangle personal love and pride from the external weight of community expectations.
Mental Health Impact on Fathers
Having a child come out can be emotionally intense for any parent, but studies show that fathers often experience significant stress, anxiety, shame, and even depressive symptoms. Many men have been socialised to “be strong,” to suppress emotion, and to carry the family as the stoic protector. So when a son comes out, fathers can feel as if their sense of control, identity, and masculinity are being challenged.
Because they are not used to expressing vulnerability, some fathers react with defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal—even though underneath, what they are really feeling is grief, fear, or uncertainty. Therapy can help fathers recognise and validate these emotions, to understand that struggling with the news does not make them a “bad dad.” It’s natural to feel conflicted, and acknowledging these feelings is the first step toward processing them healthily and maintaining a supportive relationship with their son.
The Parent–Child Relationship Post-Coming Out
Coming out can change the relationship between a father and son in subtle ways. Research shows that LGBTQ+ young people often experience more distance or silence from their fathers than from their mothers. Some fathers may think that as long as they are “okay with it” privately, the relationship is fine. But silence, avoidance, or not discussing the topic can feel like rejection to a child.
Children notice when their fathers hold back. A father who avoids conversations, changes the subject, or suppresses emotion can unintentionally communicate that his son’s identity is uncomfortable or unworthy of acknowledgement. Therapy can help fathers see that acceptance is more than an internal decision—it is active and expressed through words, attention, and actions. Learning how to talk, ask questions, show pride, and be emotionally present can transform the relationship from one of tension to one of trust, safety, and genuine connection.
What Therapy or Support Can Offer for Fathers Struggling with Grief and Parenting Challenges
At Male Minds Counselling in Reading, Berkshire, we understand that being a father comes with unique challenges, especially when your child’s life or choices don’t match the future you imagined. Research shows that therapy and supportive work can provide practical tools and emotional guidance for fathers facing difficult emotions. Here are some ways therapy can help:
1. Acknowledge the Loss
Fathers often experience a type of grief called ambiguous loss—mourning the future you expected for your child, not the child themselves. Naming this loss, for example, saying “I’m grieving the future I thought my son would have”, validates your feelings and helps prevent emotional suppression.
2. Psychoeducation
Understanding what you are going through is crucial. Therapy can teach fathers about ambiguous loss, the phases of adaptation, and coping strategies, reassuring you that feeling grief doesn’t mean you are rejecting your child.
3. Support Identity Work
Therapy provides space to explore what being a father truly means. This includes examining cultural or traditional expectations, identifying which aspects feel negotiable, and building new expectations that align with your child’s life and choices.
4. Meaning-Making
Therapists can help you re-story the future, exploring new hopes, family rituals, and meaningful connections that can be maintained or newly created. This process can reduce feelings of helplessness and open the door to a more positive father-child relationship.
5. Peer or Group Support
Hearing other fathers share their experiences can reduce isolation, shame, and confusion. Group support offers a safe space to learn what has helped other parents in similar situations.
6. Self-Compassion Work
Many fathers blame themselves, thinking they “got something wrong” or “should have done more.” Therapy encourages self-compassion, helping you recognize that you acted based on the knowledge, beliefs, and circumstances you had at the time.
At Male Minds Counselling in Reading, Berkshire, I work as a male therapist and specialise in supporting fathers through these complex emotional experiences. Whether you’re struggling with grief, family dynamics, or parenting a teenage child whose identity surprises you, professional counselling can help you navigate your feelings and strengthen your relationship with your child. If you are looking for black male therapist who understands LGBTQ plus family dynamics in Reading, reach out to me for a free 30 min assessment.
Cassim