I said to a friend recently that “We are about to witness a silent extinction across England, Wales and Scotland. A whole cohort of men in Britain whose bloodlines will end in the next 30 years.” They will not be able to procreate and start a family. Thus, the entire bloodline will end. This cohort of men are living in a psychological no-man’s-land, suspended somewhere between the world of their fathers and grandfathers, and the world they find themselves living in now. They are not old enough to belong to the traditional era, and not young or flexible enough to feel at home in the emotional expectations of the modern one. I said to my friend that I believe that because they are unable to adapt to the new requirements of partnership, intimacy, community, and identity, they will not be able to pass on their genes. He paused, thinking I was exaggerating. But look at the numbers:
- 1 in 3 men under 30 in the UK are now single.
- More men than at any point in history are reaching 40 without children (Office for National Statistics).
- The fertility decline is sharper in men than women; more men are becoming “childless for life.”
Sociologists call this the rise of the “missing men”—men who are not marrying, not partnering, not reproducing, not integrating into family life. Richard Reeves famously described this in Of Boys and Men: boys are struggling in education, men are struggling in relationships, and fathers are disappearing from the social fabric. This is not because men don’t want families. Many do. But they are navigating a new relationship marketplace with old tools, and it’s not working.
There is a cohort of men alive right now—millions of them—who are caught between two eras that no longer speak the same language. Their fathers, grandfathers, and great-grandfathers lived in a Britain in which a man’s identity was as fixed as stone: provider, protector, head of the household, unquestioned authority. From roughly the Industrial Revolution through to about 1990, the cultural code was astonishingly consistent. A man’s role was not debated. It was assumed.
Then everything changed. From roughly 1800 to 1990 in Britain — 190 years — men were handed an identity. They didn’t have to build one. They didn’t have to negotiate with it. They didn’t have to question whether it made sense. A man’s life was laid out like train tracks: work, marriage, children, provide, protect, die. No deviation. No negotiation. No emotional literacy required.
For many men today, those tracks have been ripped up, and nobody gave them a map. In just one generation, Britain moved from a patriarchal, religious, conservative, and rigid social structure to a world that expects men to be emotionally intelligent, egalitarian, expressive, collaborative, and self-aware. Women gained political, economic, sexual, and social freedoms that had been denied for centuries. And these shifts were not slow. They were immediate, sweeping, and total.
And now there is a group of men, often aged between 25 and 55—who are deeply, painfully stuck between the world they were implicitly prepared for and the world they actually have to live in. These men are experiencing a crisis that is rarely spoken about honestly.
These men are stuck between:
- Religion vs secularism
- Patriarchy vs gender equality
- Stoicism vs emotional vulnerability
- Traditional masculinity vs modern expectations of empathy and versatility
- Conservatism vs progressivism
- Control vs collaboration
- Provider identity vs relational identity
They are straddling two operating systems that are incompatible. It’s like trying to run 2025 software on an 1800s machine.
The Collapse of Old Structures
Historian Stephanie Coontz argues that “for most of human history, marriage was not about love; it was about survival, economics, and alliance.” In her book Marriage, A History, she explains that men’s value in society was linked to their capacity to provide and protect. As long as men could fulfil those two functions, they had status, respect, and a guaranteed family structure. But from the 1960s onward, the foundations began to crack:
- Women gained legal and economic independence
- Contraception gave women control over reproduction
- Divorce became more accessible and less stigmatised
- Education levels for women surpassed those of men
- The labour market shifted from physical strength to communication, care, and versatility
The pillars that once guaranteed a man’s role were dismantled, often for the right and necessary reasons — equality, autonomy, justice. But the unintended consequence was that many men were left without a role to inherit. Sociologist Michael Kimmel writes that “privilege is invisible to those who have it” — and so when privilege is removed, it feels like an injustice. Men whose identities were built on inherited status, rather than constructed identity, now feel unanchored. Their fathers taught them a script that no longer exists.
This is why so many men today are disoriented. They aren’t just losing power, they are losing the story that told them who they were supposed to be. For centuries, the social contract for men was simple: “Provide, protect, and you will have a wife, a family, and social standing.” That contract no longer exists. Women today can:
- Vote
- Work
- Earn their own income
- Leave relationships
- Choose not to tolerate male dominance
- Access education, careers, contraception, and legal rights
- Walk away from a marriage without social death
This is good. It is progress. But it has also left men exposed. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild describes this shift as the “stalled revolution”: women have changed faster than the social expectations around men. Men were not given a new blueprint. As the feminist writer Bell Hooks said, “Patriarchy has no loyalty to men. It only requires their silence.” When patriarchy collapsed, men were left without skills, without emotional education, without guidance.
The New Demands on Men
Today, being a man requires far more than earning a wage. Men are expected to be:
- Emotionally attuned
- Self-aware
- Communicative
- Empathetic
- Egalitarian
- Socially connected
- Active domestic partners
- Skillful co-parents
- Flexible and adaptive
- Supportive of their partner’s autonomy
Modern life requires balance, flexibility, and emotional intelligence, qualities traditional masculinity actively discouraged. Many men feel trapped between two extremes:
- Traditional masculinity — stoicism, hierarchy, authority, religious or cultural conservatism, the man as the head of the home, the unquestioned provider.
- Modern expectations — empathy, emotional availability, partnership, egalitarianism, shared responsibilities, adaptability, communication.
Instead of learning to blend these identities, many men polarise into one of two camps:
- “I must be the traditional man.”
The provider. The authority figure. The one who doesn’t show weakness.
Yet society no longer rewards this by default, and many women actively resist it. - “I must fully abandon masculinity and become progressive.”
Sensitive. Accommodating. Non-authoritative.
Yet many men then feel they lose their sense of strength, direction, or identity.
The truth is that neither extreme works. Psychologist Terrence Real calls this the “performance collapse” of men — the internal crash that happens when the old masculine script fails, but the man has not built a new one. He writes in I Don’t Want to Talk About It that when men cannot reconcile these inner tensions, they end up depressed, withdrawn, angry, or disconnected. Not because they are weak, but because they were never taught how to hold two worlds inside them at once.
The research is crystal clear: Long-term relationships in modern Britain demand emotional labour, not just financial labour. Gottman Institute studies spanning 40 years show that the strongest predictor of relationship success is a man’s willingness to be influenceable, cooperative, and emotionally responsive—not dominant, detached, or stoic. The new rulebook says: It is not enough to pay the bills. You must also be emotionally available. You must also grow. You must also listen. You must also change. Many men never learned how to do this.
The Collapse of Male Identity
For the men stuck in the middle, everything they were taught no longer applies:
- Masculinity used to be performed, not spoken about.
- Feelings were suppressed, not expressed.
- Power was inherited, not negotiated.
- Relationships were stable, not conditional.
- Marriage was for life, not for happiness.
Sociologist R.W. Connell called this “hegemonic masculinity”—the dominant system men were measured against. For centuries, that system was stable. Now it has evaporated. The expectations today are contradictory. Men are told:
- “Be strong but soft.”
- “Be stoic but also emotionally expressive.”
- “Lead but don’t dominate.”
- “Provide but don’t expect anything in return.”
- “Be traditional but also progressive.”
- “Be masculine but not too masculine.”
This double-bind leaves many men paralysed. Psychologists refer to this as identity foreclosure—men who were trained for one identity and now must perform another, without the skills to transition.
Why Bloodlines Might End
This brings me back to the point I made to my friend: There are men whose bloodlines may end because they cannot adapt. This is not metaphor. It is demographic reality.
Studies show:
- Men who hold strongly traditional gender attitudes are now significantly less likely to marry.
- Women increasingly choose partners based on emotional intelligence, stability, communication, and shared responsibilities.
- Men who struggle with connection, flexibility, and empathy have fewer long-term relationships.
- The “marriage market” has shifted toward men who can integrate emotional and practical roles.
- Fertility drops sharply for men who remain single into their 40s.
In other words: Men who do not adapt to the new relational expectations are being selected out of family formation. It is not moral judgement, it is sociological evolution. In the past, a man could maintain a marriage through:
- Social pressure
- Religious expectation
- Economic necessity
- Community norms
- A culture of shame
Those forces have collapsed. Women can leave. Women can survive. Women can thrive. A marriage today lasts only if both partners are satisfied. This is new territory for men. And this is why so many marriages initiated by men fail, they are still operating with the old script: “I work. I stay loyal. I provide. That is enough.” But their partner may be yearning for:
- emotional presence
- partnership
- intimacy
- understanding
- shared mental load
- equality
- friendship
- flexibility
This mismatch is why divorce has become a crisis of masculinity. The majority of divorces in the UK are initiated by women, and the top reason given is emotional neglect, not infidelity or financial issues. One of the major shocks for modern men has been the collapse of what I call automatic marriage stability. From 1800–1990, marriages were held together not by relationship quality but by:
- shame
- stigma
- religion
- economic dependence
- family expectations
- lack of legal options
- fear of community judgement
Men did not need to be emotionally supportive husbands; they only had to stay, provide, and not disgrace the family. In return, they were guaranteed a wife, a home, children, and legacy. Today, none of that is guaranteed. A woman can, and is expected to — leave if she is unhappy, mistreated, unfulfilled, or unsupported. The marriage is evaluated on emotional connection, shared responsibilities, mental load, mutual respect, and ongoing relational maintenance. The standards have risen, while the training for men has not.
As a result:
- Men who grew up with old models struggle to meet modern expectations.
- Men who think “providing financially is enough” are shocked when their partner leaves.
- Men who lack emotional vocabulary feel intimidated by partners who have spent a lifetime talking about feelings.
- Men who rely on the old script discover it no longer works.
This is why divorce rates, especially among those under 45, have become heavily female-initiated. Studies show that around 70% of divorces in the UK are initiated by women, and higher still among those with higher education. Not because women hate men. But because women now have options, and men have not been taught how to meet the new relational expectations.
The Pressure to Be Everything
Men today are asked to be:
- emotionally available
- vulnerable
- communicative
- financially stable
- ambitious
- deeply involved fathers
- household contributors
- sexually attentive
- socially connected
- mentally resilient
- empathetic
- non-threatening
- yet somehow still “masculine enough”
In the past, the list was two items:
- Provide
- Protect
That’s it. The psychological whiplash is enormous. Psychotherapist Esther Perel says that modern relationships place “unprecedented expectations” on men. In the past, a man married for duty; today he must be a soulmate, lover, therapist, co-parent, friend, equal partner, and support system. It is no wonder many feel overwhelmed. They were prepared for one role, then suddenly expected to perform ten. And yet they are given almost no guidance. No initiation. No mentors. No clear model of manhood.
Religiosity, Conservatism, and Loss of Power
For many men, religion and traditional culture once served as a stable identity structure. It told them:
- what a man is
- what a woman is
- who leads
- what roles are assigned
- how families should function
- how conflict is resolved
- who has the final say
These systems were hierarchical, predictable, and rigid — which is precisely why many men felt secure inside them. But today, those structures have weakened. In Britain, religious observance has fallen dramatically, especially among men under 40. So now you have men who grew up with the values of patriarchy, but without the community, the rituals, or the social norms that once supported those values.
They are like men trained for a war that no longer exists. Their power has been redistributed. Their authority questioned. Their assumed privileges challenged. Their role renegotiated. And many don’t know how to rebuild without the old script.
Why So Many Men Avoid Choosing a Side
Well, they have either/or mentality. Either I am traditional and conservative, or I am liberal.” And they are terrified to choose. If they choose traditionalism, they risk irrelevance. If they choose progressiveness, they feel emasculated. If they stay in the middle—they remain stuck, angry, confused, and lonely. Jordan Peterson often points out that men need structure, order, and clear rules to thrive. The modern world has taken those rules away but hasn’t replaced them with anything that feels equally solid. This is where many men collapse.
Why We Need This Conversation Now
Because men are not just struggling silently—they are disappearing:
- From education
- From relationships
- From families
- From fatherhood
- From community
- From emotional maturity
- From social belonging
Reeves describes this as a “slow-burning crisis in masculinity that society has ignored.” These men are not villains. They are not failures. They are transitional casualties of a society that changed faster than their upbringing prepared them for.
What Needs to Happen
We need a national—and global—conversation about:
- How to give men new identities that work in 2025.
- How to teach boys emotional skills their fathers never had.
- How to support men in adapting instead of collapsing.
- How to dismantle unhealthy masculinity without destroying masculine energy.
- How to balance equality without creating loneliness.
- How to help men navigate modern relationships with tools fit for this era.
This is not about going backwards. This is not about restoring patriarchy. This is about ensuring men do not become a lost generation.
Male Minds Counselling in Reading, Berkshire
And that is where I may come in with therapy. If you are a man who feels caught between old expectations and modern demands, tradition and change, strength and vulnerability, Male Minds Counselling was created for you. Across Reading and the surrounding areas, many men are struggling silently with pressure, identity, relationships, and emotional overload — often without a place to talk openly or be understood. If you are a man living in Reading, Tilehurst, Caversham, Whitley, Woodley, Earley, Southcote, Calcot, or the wider Berkshire area and you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your place in this changing world, Male Minds Counselling is here to support you.
I specialise in counselling for men in Reading who are navigating challenges around:
- masculinity and identity
- relationship problems and breakups
- fatherhood and co-parenting
- stress, burnout, and work pressure, perfectionism
- anxiety, depression, and low mood
- trauma, shame, or difficult childhood experiences
- cultural and religious expectations
- anger, emotional disconnection, and isolation
- childhood trauma, loneliness, and loss
Many men in Reading find it hard to open up, especially when they’re trying to balance modern expectations, traditional values, cultural pressures, and the reality of day-to-day life. At Male Minds Counselling, you will find a safe, confidential space where you can talk honestly without judgement or embarrassment.
Whether you prefer online sessions, or you’re based locally in areas like Tilehurst or Caversham, support is accessible, flexible, and tailored specifically for men. Our goal is to help you build confidence, emotional resilience, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of who you are, not who you’re expected to be.
A Modern Approach Designed for Men
My approach is:
- non-judgemental
- evidence-based
- emotionally intelligent
- male-focused
- culturally sensitive
- tailored to how men actually think and communicate
- Solution focused
I help you build emotional resilience, clearer boundaries, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of purpose — not by shaming you, but by understanding the unique pressures men face today.
Take the First Step
If you are a man in Reading or the surrounding areas and you’re ready to talk to someone who genuinely understands the male experience, you can reach out to Male Minds Counselling to book your session.
Getting support doesn’t make you weak. It means you’ve decided to build the kind of life — and identity — you choose for yourself.
Cassim