Can an Abusive Man Really Change?
I will be blunt! Yes, it is possible to change, but you must understand that you are in a very small minority. Most and I repeat MOST men who are abusive do not change, and the reason is simple. Abusive behaviour is rooted in patterns of entitlement, control, and a deep disregard for the autonomy and feelings of others. These patterns are often reinforced over many years and by a lifetime of thinking you are justified in your actions. And put simply, abuse works. It is effective. Hence why you have been doing it. Why change something that has worked is how most abusers think. As the saying goes, why fix what is not broken…….right?
Change requires more than wanting to be a “better man.” It requires an unflinching look at yourself, your beliefs, your habits, and the ways you have harmed others. I call it radical self examination. It requires accountability, discipline, humility, and an ongoing commitment that will test you in ways you may not have faced before. If you are willing to step into that process fully, you can begin the work that might one day make genuine, lasting change possible.
Make no bones about this. I will pre warn you, you probably will not make it. I am just being honest. People hate change, and do not want to change. When you add in there years and years of you being abusive and the fact that it has worked you. And it is part of your identity and it is reinforced by society and patriarchy, and that abusers are protected and that people do not believe people truly change. To change is asking for the impossible. But there is always an exception and an anomaly. Hence why I wrote this.
Let me be blunt. If you are genuinely one of the rare few, the anomaly who is actually going to make it, you are going to experience every single emotion that most human beings try to avoid. You will feel humiliation. You will feel embarrassment. You will feel shame. You will feel guilt so heavy it feels like it could crush you. You will feel fear, fear of failing, fear of being exposed, fear of rejection. You will feel anger, not just at others, but at yourself. You will feel grief for all the harm you have caused. You will feel loneliness because the work of change can separate you from the people you once relied on to justify yourself. You will feel doubt. You will feel frustration. You will feel confusion. You will feel vulnerability in ways you have avoided your whole life.
You will have to grovel. You will have to apologise. You will have to be humble. You will have to start small. You will have to be seen as foolish at times, clumsy, even stupid. You will have to be patient. You will have to be the kind of person who is actively trying to make amends again and again. You will have to ask for help. You will have to ask for forgiveness. Then you will have to continue proving that forgiveness over and over and over. And even then, you may not be forgiven, even if you truly change and sincerely make amends.
I am telling you this because I do not think you quite understand how difficult real change is. To change is almost impossible, which is why the people who do succeed are rare. They are not the average person. They are the exception. They are the anomaly.
What Kind of Work Is Needed?
The work is not casual or short-term. This is not something that can be fixed in a few months, by just talking about your feelings, or by saying you want to be better. Real change for an abusive man involves structured, long-term, accountability-based programs, often lasting two to three years. These programs are intense and rigorous because the patterns you are trying to break are deep, long-standing, and reinforced by years of entitlement, avoidance, and control. And that is if you find a programme near you. And that the people running it are exceptional and really good at what they do.
The work is not about therapy as comfort. It is about confronting yourself honestly and examining the specific ways you have used power, manipulation, and intimidation in your relationships. You are asked to take a close look at every choice you make that hurts others, from subtle controlling behaviours to more overt abuse. This examination is paired with learning alternative behaviours, not once or twice, but repeatedly, in sessions and in real life. Change happens through practice, feedback, and reflection, not insight alone.
Research on batterer intervention programs shows that men who succeed in changing tend to engage in multi-layered approaches. These include individual therapy, where you confront entitlement and self-deception, group programs, where peers provide accountability and reality checks, and structured homework, where you track your triggers, behaviours, and responses. Studies suggest that the rare men who truly change are the ones who consistently apply these lessons outside the therapy room, in everyday interactions with partners, children, colleagues, and friends.
The work is relentless. You will need to:
- Engage in honest self-reflection about your past and present behaviours.
- Track your behaviour daily, noticing urges to control, criticize, or manipulate.
- Learn new communication and relational skills that replace coercion and intimidation.
- Accept feedback without defensiveness, even when it is uncomfortable, humiliating, or embarrassing.
- Make amends and repair harm consistently, not just when convenient.
This process demands years of patience, persistence, and humility. You will be challenged repeatedly, and old patterns will attempt to reassert themselves. Research consistently shows that men who are unwilling to commit fully to this work, or who seek shortcuts, almost always revert to abusive behaviour. The rare men who change are those who accept discomfort as part of growth, embrace accountability fully, and continue practising new behaviours until they become habitual.
If you are not ready to commit to this level of work, you will likely fall back into old patterns. But if you are willing to step fully into the process, confront yourself honestly, and engage with structured programs that provide accountability, skills, and long-term support, you have a chance to become one of the few men who genuinely change. This is not easy, and it is not quick, but it is possible for those who are rare enough to see it through.
Oh, by the way, did I forget to mention that this is going to cost you money? Being in therapy every single week for two to three years is not cheap. The average counsellor charges anywhere between fifty and one hundred and fifty pounds per session. And that is only if you can find a counsellor who is exceptional. In my experience, most counsellors are about a six out of ten. You need a counsellor who is at least a nine.
They need to understand patriarchy. They need to understand coercive control. They need to understand domestic abuse. They need to understand chauvinism and misogyny. They need to understand intersectionality. They need to understand power and control. They need to understand socialization, child development, trauma, and the differences between men and women. They need to understand couples’ relationships, family systems, gender, sexuality, culture, and the socialization of boys and girls. They need to understand politics and social roles. They need to understand the world of a man and the world of a woman. They need to understand race. They need to understand how different countries operate, the traditions of a Nigerian versus a Korean for example. They need to understand class.
Most counsellors do not have an understanding of all of these things. A good counsellor is rare, they will take time to find, and they will cost you. But if you are serious about changing, finding the right counsellor is non-negotiable. Your investment in the right guidance is part of the work you must commit to if you want to be among the rare men who truly change.
How Can Therapy Help in This Process?
Therapy can support the change process, but it must be approached correctly. Individual psychotherapy on its own is rarely enough because it often focuses on feelings or personal insight, which can be dangerous if you are using the therapy to justify or rationalize your behaviour. Instead, therapy should be used as a tool to aid accountability, help you confront your patterns, and provide guidance for behavioural change. A skilled therapist can help you:
- Examine the ways you have caused harm and understand your entitlement, manipulative strategies, and avoidance patterns.
- Explore the underlying beliefs that fuel abusive behaviour without letting you use these insights as excuses.
- Learn concrete strategies to replace controlling behaviours with respectful, non-violent ways of interacting.
- Support your commitment to long-term change, providing structure, feedback, and guidance as you navigate setbacks.
The therapist is not there to defend you or protect your self-image. They are there to hold a mirror to your behaviour and push you toward accountability. If you approach therapy honestly, it can be an indispensable part of the process.
What Attitude Must You Bring?
You must bring humility. Real change demands that you see yourself clearly, even when what you see is ugly. You must be willing to admit the truth about your behaviour, your thoughts, and your choices, without excuses, rationalizations, or defensiveness. You must accept that the people you have hurt have every right to be angry, to be hurt, and to mistrust you. Their feelings are valid, and their mistrust is not a challenge to your ego; it is a reflection of reality that you must accept.
You must be ready to let go of entitlement. This means recognizing that your needs, desires, and opinions are not automatically more important than those of others. You must build empathy through consistent action, not words. Empathy is not something you declare; it is something you demonstrate, day after day, in small, concrete ways.
You must accept discomfort, embarrassment, and even humiliation as a natural part of the process. Change is not comfortable. It is messy. It is challenging. It forces you to confront your worst qualities, face your failures, and repeatedly take steps that make you feel awkward or exposed. This is the work that most men refuse to do, which is why so few succeed.
You must also bring patience and persistence. Real change is slow. You will make mistakes. You will relapse into old patterns. You will feel frustrated, hopeless, or overwhelmed. You must keep showing up and keep doing the work even when progress seems invisible.
You must cultivate curiosity and openness. You cannot assume you already know the answers about yourself, your relationships, or the ways you have hurt others. You must be willing to listen, to be challenged, and to learn from feedback without becoming defensive or resistant.
You must develop self-discipline and accountability. Change requires consistent effort in your daily life. You must track your behaviour, notice your impulses, and actively choose alternative responses. You must hold yourself accountable, and allow others, your therapist, your accountability partner, or your support network, to hold you accountable too.
You must bring courage. The courage to face your shadow, to admit your faults, and to act differently even when it is uncomfortable or humiliating. Courage to apologise sincerely and to make amends repeatedly, knowing that forgiveness may not come immediately, if at all. Courage to keep going when the work feels endless, because the path to being one of the rare men who truly change is long and demanding.
This combination of humility, empathy, patience, curiosity, accountability, and courage is not optional. It is the minimum required. Without these attitudes and skills, nothing will change. This is the reality that most men refuse to face, which is why so few succeed.
You are not even halfway through this article, and already you are starting to see the reality of why most men do not change. This is not a path for the average person. It requires going against everything you have been doing for years, everything that feels familiar, comfortable, and even “normal” to you. As I have said already, human beings do not like change. We resist it instinctively. We avoid it whenever possible. What you are about to face is what psychologists call cognitive dissonance, which is the uncomfortable tension that arises when your actions, beliefs, and self-image no longer align. It is deeply unpleasant. It is confusing. It challenges your sense of identity. And yet, it is exactly this tension that makes change possible.
If you are serious about being one of the rare men who genuinely changes, you must be willing to sit in that discomfort. You must be willing to challenge everything you thought you knew about yourself, your relationships, and your place in the world. You must be willing to feel unsettled, to feel wrong, to feel exposed, and to continue working through it. The actual reality is that most men quit at this stage. Most men cannot tolerate the tension between who they have been and who they need to become. They say fuck this. Most men will look for excuses, distractions, or shortcuts to avoid the hard work. The rare few, the anomalies who succeed, are the ones who lean into discomfort, face cognitive dissonance head-on, and use it as fuel for transformation.
How Do You Measure Progress?
Progress is not measured by your intentions, feelings, or promises. It is measured by consistent, observable changes in behaviour. Are you listening without manipulating or dominating? Are you respecting boundaries even when you want to assert control? Are you taking responsibility when you make mistakes? Are you seeking feedback and acting on it without defensiveness? These are the markers of real change. Insight and remorse are important, but they are not sufficient. Your words must be accompanied by action every day.
What Will This Cost You?
Everything. Change will demand your time, your emotional energy, and a willingness to confront shame that you have spent years avoiding. It may strain relationships, require lifestyle adjustments, and challenge long-held beliefs about yourself. You will need to accept accountability for actions that you may have spent your life minimizing, excusing, or justifying. The cost is more than high, its Ludacris. The alternative is a continuation of the cycle that has hurt others, eroded your relationships, and damaged your own life. If you truly want to change, you must be prepared to pay this price every single day, for years. There are no shortcuts.
Let me say something that I often tell clients in therapy. Most people, when they come to therapy, believe they are coming for change. They are not. What they are really seeking is to shift, moderate, manage, or alter a few things. They are not looking for transformation. True transformation means an overhaul of everything. It is the equivalent of knocking down an entire house and rebuilding it from the foundation up.
Most people, when they say they want change, are really saying they want to paint a few walls. If it is damp in the bathroom, they want to paint over it. They do not want to gut the entire house, strip it to the studs, and rebuild it completely. Let me be blunt. Real change requires tearing down the old structure of yourself, examining every corner, and reconstructing it from the ground up. It will take everything within you. Your pride, your habits, your old ways of thinking, and your resistance will all be tested.
If you are not prepared to face this, you will not change. If you are, and if you are willing to engage fully with the discomfort, the challenge, and the relentless work ahead, you may be among the rare few who genuinely transform. But it will take everything you have, and then some.
Why Should You Try?
Honestly, you should not try if you do not want to. Which sounds weird for a therapist to be saying. But this is that difficult. Changing abusive behaviour is one of the hardest things a human being can do. It is filled with challenges you cannot yet imagine, and it is not a journey for the average person.
Let me put it in terms you can understand. Most people think climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or Mount Everest is a monumental challenge. Between April and October 2019, a climber named Nims attempted the most ambitious sequence of climbs of all time: summiting the world’s 14 highest peaks, the 8,000-metre peaks, in an astonishing seven-month window. At the time, the previous record for climbing all fourteen consecutively stood at just under eight years.
These peaks were not selected because of their technical difficulty or their proximity, but because of one shared quality: they are all higher than 8,000 metres, in the notorious ‘death zone’ where human life cannot survive for long. Only forty climbers have ever achieved this feat. The previous world record for consecutive ascents was held for decades, and even breaking it required extraordinary dedication, skill, and resilience.
Changing yourself is like climbing all fourteen of these peaks, back-to-back, in the death zone. The work is relentless. You will face exhaustion, fear, and repeated failure. You will confront parts of yourself you do not want to see. You will feel lost, humiliated, and challenged in ways that test every assumption you have ever held about yourself.
And yet, this is your chance to stop hurting those you care about. This is your chance to stop living a life built on control, defensiveness, and fear. Without change, the cycle continues. The harm you cause may extend far beyond what you can see, to partners, children, and anyone caught in your patterns. Change is possible, but only for the rare men who are willing to face themselves completely, commit to long-term, structured work, and embrace accountability over comfort. If you are willing to do this, therapy and specialized programs can guide you, challenge you, and help you build a new way of living, one based on respect, empathy, and responsibility.
How Do I Know If I Am One of the Rare Few Who Can Change?
The first thing you need to understand is that most men who are abusive do not change, as I have already said. This is not because they are inherently “bad” in a moral sense. It is because patterns of entitlement, control, and manipulation run deep, and they are rarely confronted in ways that actually produce lasting transformation. That said, there is a small group of men who can change, and the difference lies in attitude, honesty, and action. You need to be brutally honest with yourself to see if you fall into that group.
You will know if you are part of this rare few because you do not expect external rewards or recognition. You are not doing this for headlines, for documentaries, or for social media accolades. In fact, the process is going to be extremely boring to everyone else. It will not look like a blockbuster movie or a cinematic epic. It is closer to an A24 film — quiet, painstaking, and full of small, difficult moments that are largely invisible to the outside world.
Men who genuinely change do not broadcast their progress. They focus on the work itself, not the recognition. They do it for themselves, not for approval, applause, or fame. This is why this path is not for the average person. Many people start change with the expectation of some reward at the end. They want to be praised, to be celebrated, or to feel important because of their effort. But the rare men who truly succeed accept that most of their work will go unseen. The only people who may notice the change are those they have hurt along the way, the four to fifteen people whose lives they have affected, like ex-partners or family members. And even then, the recognition may be limited.
You may live, in many respects, a very ordinary life. There will be no fanfare. There will be no grand announcements. But within that ordinary life, you will carry something extraordinary, the quiet, often invisible knowledge that you are becoming a man who no longer hurts others and who is capable of genuine empathy, responsibility, and respect.
This is what separates the rare few from the rest. It is not charisma, intelligence, or charm. It is the willingness to do the hard, unglamorous work of change, without expecting validation or reward, and to continue that work every single day.
Are You Willing to Face Yourself Honestly?
The rare few are willing to look at themselves without excuses. This means confronting the ways you have hurt others, acknowledging your entitlement, and admitting the truth about your behaviour even when it is painful. If you find yourself rationalizing, minimizing, or blaming others for your actions, that is a warning sign. Change starts with total honesty. You must be willing to hear things about yourself that you have spent years avoiding.
Do You Want to Change for Yourself, Not Just for Others?
Many men stay in abusive patterns while promising to change for a partner, a child, or to avoid consequences. The rare few want to change because they recognize that their behaviour is a problem and they want to stop being that man — not just to look better or to keep someone else. Real motivation comes from an internal decision to take responsibility, not from external pressure.
Can You Accept Humiliation, Discomfort, and Accountability?
If you are hoping change will be easy, comfortable, or quick, you are likely not one of the few. True change requires confronting shame, embarrassment, and long-held habits of thinking and behaving. You must be willing to accept feedback, even criticism, and act on it without defensiveness. You must face the reality of your actions without flinching, and you must be prepared for the long haul. There is no short-cut, and there is no sugar-coating.
Are You Ready to Take Consistent Action?
Insight alone is not enough. You must be able to translate understanding into behaviour. This means practising respect, listening without manipulation, acknowledging mistakes, and consistently choosing non-controlling ways of interacting. The rare few are not just willing to try; they are willing to do this over years, even when it is hard, uncomfortable, and slow.
Do You Accept That Change Is a Lifelong Commitment?
Even men who truly change recognize that it is not a one-time event. Patterns of abuse are deeply ingrained. You must commit to ongoing self-reflection, accountability, and growth. If you are unwilling to accept that this is a lifelong journey, you are unlikely to succeed. The rare few see change as a daily practice, not a goal with an endpoint.
If you answer yes to all of these questions, and you are honest with yourself, you may be among the rare few men who can change. But if you hesitate, make excuses, or resist facing the hard truths, the patterns that have hurt others will continue. Being rare does not make it easy. It only makes it possible.
How Can I Tell If I Am Actually Changing or Just Thinking About It?
Change is not measured by good intentions, guilt, or how much you talk about wanting to be better. It is measured by consistent, observable changes in your daily behaviour. The rare men who truly change notice subtle shifts in themselves and in their interactions. Here are practical signs to watch for, organized by areas of life and behaviour.
Respecting Boundaries Without Being Told
One of the clearest indicators of real change is your ability to respect others’ boundaries automatically, without reminders or confrontation. You notice when someone is uncomfortable, and instead of dismissing or overriding their feelings, you stop, adjust, and reflect.
Check yourself:
- Are you noticing others’ discomfort and changing your behaviour before conflict arises?
- Do you follow rules or boundaries even when it feels inconvenient or frustrating?
If yes, that is a strong sign that change is moving from thought to action.
Listening Without Controlling
Genuine change shows up in the way you listen. Real listening means not interrupting, not planning a comeback, and not trying to dominate the conversation. You focus on understanding the other person rather than asserting control.
Check yourself:
- Do you find yourself listening fully without feeling the need to respond immediately?
- Can you let someone express themselves without offering solutions, justifications, or corrections?
If you can do this consistently, it is a concrete sign that your old controlling patterns are loosening.
Managing Triggers Without Escalating
Everyone has triggers. Real change is visible when you experience a trigger like frustration, jealousy, criticism, but respond differently than you used to. You pause, reflect, and choose a non-abusive response instead of reacting automatically.
Check yourself:
- Can you notice your anger or control impulses in the moment?
- Do you take deliberate steps to respond calmly rather than lashing out?
If yes, you are learning to disrupt old patterns, which is essential for lasting change.
Taking Responsibility Without Excuses
Thinking about change often includes acknowledging mistakes in your mind or blaming circumstances. True change is taking full responsibility for your actions and their impact on others, every time.
Check yourself:
- Do you admit when you’ve hurt someone without minimizing, blaming, or rationalizing?
- Do you act to repair the harm immediately and sincerely?
Daily acceptance of responsibility shows that change is moving beyond thought into practice.
Self-Reflection Without Avoidance
Genuine change involves consistent, honest reflection about your behaviour. This is not dwelling in guilt; it is analysing your actions to improve next time.
Check yourself:
- Are you journaling, noting triggers, and reviewing your responses?
- Do you bring these reflections to therapy or your accountability partner for feedback?
If yes, you are actively shaping your behaviour rather than just thinking about it.
Small, Consistent Behavioural Shifts
Look for small, concrete changes in your daily life. Real change is rarely dramatic at first. It is showing up as:
- Pausing instead of reacting.
- Letting someone speak without interruption.
- Apologizing promptly and sincerely.
- Checking in with yourself before asserting control.
If these small actions are becoming habitual, you are no longer just thinking about change, you are living it.
Real change is measured by what you do, not what you feel, think, or say. The rare men who truly change see shifts in respect, listening, self-control, responsibility, reflection, and daily actions. If you can observe these signs consistently, you are on the path. If not, it’s time to double down on accountability, therapy, and practice.
What Are the First Steps I Should Take Over the Next Six Months?
If you are serious about change, the first six months are about laying the foundation. This is not a time for shortcuts or half-measures. It is a time to face yourself honestly, build accountability, and begin reshaping your behaviour. Here is a practical roadmap, broken down into clear steps.
Step One: Commit to Absolute Honesty
The first thing you must do is make a personal commitment to honesty, with yourself and with anyone guiding your change. This means keeping no secrets about your behaviour, feelings, or impulses. You must admit when you have been controlling, manipulative, or abusive, even in small ways. Write down your actions, your thoughts, and your feelings without excuses in a journal which you can buy in any Tesco, Morrisons, WHSmith or amazon in the country. This step is uncomfortable, humbling, and necessary. It is the foundation of all change.
Step Two: Seek a Specialized Program or Therapist
Not all therapy will help. You need a program or therapist that is experienced in working with men who are abusive. Look for long-term, accountability-focused interventions that emphasize changing patterns of control, entitlement, and manipulation. This is not about simply exploring your feelings; it is about learning new ways to behave and thinking differently about your relationships. Make the commitment to attend every session, engage fully, and do the work required outside of sessions.
Step Three: Start Tracking Your Behaviour
Begin observing your actions in real time. Note every moment when you feel the urge to control, criticize, or dominate someone. Ask yourself why you feel that way, and consider an alternative, respectful response. Keep a journal of these moments, including what you did, how you felt, and what you could do differently next time. This practice will begin to uncover patterns you may have ignored and is the first step in replacing old habits with new ones.
Step Four: Identify Your Triggers
Abusive behaviour is often predictable. Certain situations, emotions, or people can trigger controlling or aggressive responses. Over the next six months, work on identifying these triggers. Be specific. Is it criticism, frustration at work, feeling disrespected, or jealousy? Understanding triggers does not excuse the behaviour, but it allows you to prepare and respond differently. Knowing your triggers gives you the power to interrupt automatic reactions before they happen.
Step Five: Build a Support System and Accountability
Change cannot happen in isolation. Find people you can trust to hold you accountable, this could be a therapist, a structured group program, or a mentor who understands the work. Make it clear that you want honest feedback, and be prepared to receive it without defensiveness. Share your commitment to change openly and be willing to answer for your actions. Accountability is not optional; it is the scaffolding that keeps you from falling back into old patterns.
Step Six: Practice New Skills Every Day
Change is not theoretical; it is practical. Start practicing respectful communication, active listening, and patience in small interactions every day. Apologize sincerely when you make mistakes. Reflect each evening on what went well and what you could do better tomorrow. Over six months, these small daily practices begin to reshape your default behaviours. The rare few men who truly change understand that behaviour drives thought, not the other way around.
Step Seven: Prepare for Setbacks
Understand that setbacks will happen. You may slip into old patterns. This does not mean failure; it is part of the process. The important thing is to acknowledge the slip, take responsibility, and recommit immediately. Resilience in the face of setbacks is what separates men who change from those who only talk about change.
Six Months in Summary: Focus on honesty, accountability, self-awareness, and daily practice. Build your support system and track your behaviour meticulously. Identify triggers and begin responding differently. Accept setbacks as part of the journey. By the end of six months, you will not be “fixed,” but you will have laid a foundation for genuine, lasting change, and that is where the rare few begin to diverge from the rest.
How Do I Find a Therapist Who Can Really Help Me Change?
Finding the right therapist is very very very important, if you want to be one of the rare men who genuinely change. Not every therapist is equipped to work with abusive men, and the wrong therapist can actually do more harm than good. Not to mention that there are many therapists who will not want to work with you. Just being honest.
Where to Look for a Qualified Therapist
Start by seeking someone who specializes in working with men who have used abuse or controlling behaviours. Use google. Use ChatGPT. Look up counselling directories. Look up local counselling hubs or centres in your area. I recommend that you find a face to face therapist not an online one. You can look at:
- Licensed psychologists or psychotherapists who explicitly mention domestic abuse, anger management, or power and control work.
- Structured programs for abusive men in your area, often these involve group and individual work combined.
- Professional organizations or hotlines that focus on abuse prevention; they can sometimes provide a list of vetted therapists.
Avoid therapists who only advertise couples counselling for domestic conflict or who focus mainly on emotions without addressing entitlement, manipulation, and power dynamics. You need someone who understands the unique dynamics of abusive behaviour.
How to Know If a Therapist Is Right for You
The right therapist will:
- Be direct and honest with you, even when it is uncomfortable.
- Focus on behavioural change, accountability, and long-term work, not just insight or feelings.
- Be experienced in holding abusive men accountable without colluding or protecting your ego.
- Offer a structured plan rather than open-ended, casual sessions.
- Understand that change is a years-long process and will not sugar-coat the difficulty.
- Find one that is integrative or pluralistic. Ask which modalities they work in. You want someone who knows about CBT, DBT, Schema therapy, or Solution focused therapy.
- Ones that understand Bi polar disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder, are trauma informed and think developmentally.
Red flags include therapists who:
- Treat your behaviour as equally the partner’s problem in ways that minimize your accountability.
- Avoid talking about control, entitlement, and manipulation.
- Promise quick fixes or dramatic changes in a few sessions.
- Ones who are only person centred or are not directive.
- Ones who do not have a strong understanding of domestic abuse and coercive control
- Stay away from psychologists and psychiatrists. Unless they are counselling psychologists or mainly practise as therapists. You are not looking for clinicians who want to medicate you or give you assessments and diagnosis.
- Anyone who only does short term therapy 6-12 sessions. You need a therapist who works long term.
- Ask what CPD they have done. Focus less on their academic qualifications and much more on their CPD.
What to Ask During the Initial Call
Before committing, prepare to ask direct questions:
- Experience: “Have you worked with men who have used abusive or controlling behaviours? How long have you done this work?”
- Approach: “What approach do you use for men who want to change abusive behaviour? How do you hold them accountable?”
- Structure: “Do you provide structured programs or exercises outside of sessions? What does ongoing work look like?”
- Commitment: “How long do you typically work with someone before we can see meaningful change? What will the milestones look like?”
- Safety: “How do you involve partners or families in ensuring the changes I make are genuine and safe?”
- Measurement: “How will I know if I am actually making progress? How will you track it?”
Pay attention not just to the answers, but to how they answer. A skilled therapist will be frank, realistic, and clear about the difficulty of this work. They will not coddle you, excuse your behaviour, or allow evasions.
First Impressions Matter
Even before the first session, notice:
- Do they make you feel challenged but supported?
- Do they hold boundaries without fear of upsetting you?
- Are they clear about responsibilities, accountability, and consequences?
If the answer is yes, you are likely in the right place. If something feels vague, evasive, or soft on accountability, keep looking. This work is too important to compromise.
Key takeaway: Choosing the right therapist is part of being one of the rare men who can change. You are not looking for someone to make you feel better or justify your past. You are looking for someone who can see the truth of your behaviour, challenge you, and guide you toward real, lasting change.
What Should I Expect in the First Three Months of Therapy?
The first three months are the foundation of your journey. This is when you start facing yourself honestly, understanding your patterns, and learning how to begin making changes. It will be uncomfortable, humbling, and sometimes frustrating, but it is essential. Here’s what to expect and how to get the most out of every session.
Month One: Facing the Truth
In the first few sessions, your therapist will push you to acknowledge your behaviour and its impact. Expect questions that feel uncomfortable or even humiliating. You may be asked to recount situations where you were controlling, manipulative, or abusive. This is not to shame you, but to make you fully aware of the reality of your actions.
To get the most out of this month:
- Be honest, no matter how hard it is. Avoid rationalizations or excuses.
- Take notes or journal after each session about what you learned and what feelings it stirred.
- Accept feedback without defensiveness; your therapist’s goal is accountability, not comfort.
Month Two: Identifying Patterns and Triggers
Once you have acknowledged your behaviour, therapy will focus on understanding patterns and identifying triggers. You will explore questions like:
- When do I feel the need to control or dominate?
- What thoughts, emotions, or situations push me toward abusive behaviours?
- How have my past experiences contributed to these patterns?
This is the work of building self-awareness, but it must be paired with action planning. Knowing your triggers is pointless if you don’t start experimenting with different responses.
To get the most out of this month:
- Track your behaviour daily and note any urges to act abusively.
- Share these observations with your therapist honestly.
- Practice small alternative responses when triggers arise. Even failing at first is progress if you reflect and adjust.
Month Three: Practising Accountability and New Skills
By the third month, therapy shifts toward action and practice. You will start learning concrete skills to respond differently:
- How to listen without interrupting or controlling.
- How to accept criticism without defensiveness.
- How to communicate your needs without manipulation or coercion.
- How to apologize sincerely and repair harm.
This month is about doing, not just understanding. Your therapist will challenge you to apply these skills in real-life situations and report back on the results. Every slip, hesitation, or success becomes data for learning.
To get the most out of this month:
- Treat every interaction as practice. Small daily moments are where real change happens.
- Bring examples to each session of both successes and failures.
- Ask for strategies to handle moments when you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns.
- Embrace discomfort — feeling awkward, embarrassed, or frustrated is part of growth.
Key Principles for the First Three Months
- Honesty is non-negotiable. Without complete honesty, no change is possible.
- Accountability beats insight alone. Understanding why you act a certain way is only useful if it leads to action.
- Consistency over perfection. You will make mistakes. The rare men who change learn from them instead of hiding them.
- Daily effort matters. The work does not stay in the session; your behaviour outside therapy is the real measure of progress.
- Support is essential. Use your therapist, group program, or accountability partner to stay honest and on track.
The first three months are about confronting the truth, learning your patterns, and starting to behave differently. If you commit fully to these first steps, you lay the foundation for the long-term work that follows. These months separate those who are serious about change from those who only talk about it.
Good luck
Cassim