Emotion, Impasses, and the Male Experience in Couple Therapy
When couples arrive in therapy, they rarely walk in saying they are stuck in a pattern. They say they argue too much. They say communication has broken down. They say things feel distant, tense, or beyond repair. But what this study highlights, particularly through the lens of Emotion-Focused Therapy, is that underneath all of that is something much more precise. Couples are not just struggling. They are trapped in cycles they do not fully understand and feel powerless to escape.
That word powerless matters. It comes up again and again, especially when working with men.
Emotion-Focused Therapy places emotion at the centre of relational life. Not as something messy that needs to be controlled, but as something organising and meaningful. The study explains that emotional processes shape three core areas of a relationship. Attachment, which is about safety and connection. Identity, which is about self-worth and how one is seen by a partner. And attraction, which reflects warmth, interest, and positive regard.
When these systems are working, relationships feel secure and alive. When they are disrupted, emotional distress follows quickly. This is where many couples begin to unravel, but for men in particular, this unraveling often goes unnoticed or unnamed.
A man might not walk into therapy saying he feels unsafe in his relationship. He might say he is fed up, or that his partner is always on his case, or that he cannot do anything right. But underneath that is often a threat to attachment or identity. He may feel criticised, inadequate, or rejected. These experiences do not stay quiet. They come out, but not always in a way that is easy to recognise.
This is where the study’s distinction between primary and secondary emotions becomes incredibly important.
Secondary emotions are what most people see. Anger, frustration, defensiveness, withdrawal. These are the reactions that couples argue about. These are also the emotions that many men feel more comfortable expressing, because they are more socially acceptable or feel more controlled.
But underneath these are primary emotions. These are the ones that carry weight. Shame, fear, loneliness, sadness, inadequacy. These are not just feelings in the moment. They are often tied to a man’s history, his upbringing, his past relationships, and his sense of himself in the world.
In the study’s example, a simple disagreement about finances quickly escalates into criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. But when you slow it down, you see something very different. One partner feels anxious and expresses it as criticism. The other feels diminished and responds with attack. Beneath both of these reactions is shame. That is the part that is rarely spoken out loud, but it is the part doing most of the work.
This is what Emotion-Focused Therapy calls the negative interactional cycle. It is not about one person being right and the other wrong. It is about how each person’s protective response triggers the other’s vulnerability, which then triggers another layer of protection. Over time, this becomes automatic. Couples do not even realise they are doing it. They just know that every conversation seems to end in the same place.
For men, this cycle can feel particularly difficult to step out of. Many have learned, often from a young age, that vulnerability is risky. That showing fear or hurt can lead to rejection, ridicule, or loss of respect. So instead, they rely on what works in the short term. They defend. They shut down. They argue. They detach.
From the outside, this can look like a lack of care or emotional avoidance. But through the lens of this study, it is better understood as protection. It is a way of managing emotional threat when there are limited tools available.
The therapy process described in the study offers a different path. It begins with validation and alliance building. This is not about agreeing with behaviour, but about making sense of it. Helping each partner understand that their reactions, however unhelpful they may seem, are rooted in something real and meaningful.
This is especially important for men. Many are used to being told they are the problem. That they need to communicate better, be less defensive, be more open. While there may be truth in those statements, they often miss the emotional reality underneath. When a man feels understood rather than judged, something shifts. The need to defend reduces. The possibility of reflection increases.
The next step in the process is mapping the cycle. Slowing things down and helping the couple see how their interactions unfold. This can be a powerful moment. When a man sees that he is not just reacting randomly, but is part of a predictable pattern, it gives him a sense of clarity and, importantly, a sense of influence.
He begins to see that if the pattern can be understood, it can also be changed.
From there, therapy moves deeper into the emotional layers. This is where the real work begins, and this is also where many impasses occur.
The study highlights that awareness alone is not enough. A couple might understand their cycle, recognise their patterns, and still feel stuck. This is because moving beyond the cycle requires vulnerability. It requires each partner to step out from behind their protective strategies and reveal what is actually going on underneath.
For many men, this is the hardest part of the process.
Saying “I feel angry” is one thing. Saying “I feel ashamed” or “I worry I am not enough for you” is something else entirely. It can feel exposing. It can feel dangerous. And if there have been past injuries in the relationship, those fears are not unfounded.
The study speaks about emotional injuries and how they act like unresolved wounds within the relationship. These might include betrayal, repeated criticism, rejection, or feeling unseen over a long period of time. Couples often continue functioning around these wounds, but they do not heal. When therapy begins to touch on deeper emotions, those wounds can reopen.
This is where men often pull back. Not because they do not want the relationship to improve, but because the cost of vulnerability feels too high. If opening up leads to being hurt again, then staying guarded feels safer.
Understanding this is crucial for therapists. What might look like resistance is often fear. What might look like disengagement is often self-protection.
Emotion-Focused Therapy does not try to force vulnerability. Instead, it creates the conditions where it can emerge safely. This includes supporting self-soothing, helping the individual regulate their own emotional state, and other-soothing, where partners begin to respond to each other in new, more supportive ways.
When a man experiences his vulnerability being met with understanding rather than attack, it challenges his expectations. It creates a new emotional experience. Over time, these experiences begin to reshape the relationship.
The cycle starts to loosen. The reactions become less automatic. New ways of interacting become possible.
The final stage of the process involves consolidation and integration. This is where the couple begins to make sense of what has changed. They develop new narratives about themselves, each other, and the relationship.
Instead of seeing each other as the enemy, they begin to see the pattern as the problem. Instead of interpreting behaviour as intentional harm, they begin to understand it as protection rooted in vulnerability.
For men, this shift can be profound. It allows them to hold onto their sense of strength while also expanding their emotional range. It shows them that vulnerability is not weakness, but a different form of engagement. One that can actually strengthen connection rather than threaten it.
In the context of separation and divorce, these insights are particularly valuable. Many men find themselves stuck in patterns of blame, withdrawal, or emotional shutdown during these periods. Understanding the role of emotion, the impact of past wounds, and the presence of interactional cycles can help make sense of what has happened.
It also offers a pathway forward. Whether that is repairing the relationship, co-parenting more effectively, or simply understanding their own emotional responses more clearly.
This study does not offer quick fixes. What it offers is a framework. A way of seeing that goes beyond surface behaviour and into the emotional core of relational life.
And for the men you work with, that shift in perspective can be the difference between staying stuck in the same cycle, or finally beginning to step out of it.
Fishbane, M. D., Goldman, R. N., and Siegel, J. P. (2020). Couple impasses: Three therapeutic approaches. Contemporary Family Therapy.