I recently watched a TikTok where a Black woman argued that most women marry men who are sexist, misogynistic, and homophobic. She claimed that many women avoid asking their partners about their views on patriarchy, feminism, traditional roles, social expectations, and related topics because they fear the answers. According to her, most men would struggle to discuss these issues honestly, and many women would rather not know the truth. She challenged women who disagreed to ask their partners these questions. This perspective was not new to me.

As a counsellor, much of my work involves helping male clients unpack and examine their beliefs. Many men come to my private practice to talk about anxiety, OCD, depression, relationship issues, work stress, sexuality, parenting, or money. Often, they are surprised to discover, through psychodynamic exploration, that the roots of their struggles go much deeper than they expected. Many have never had a safe space to question or break down these ideas without fear of being shamed, judged, or belittled. As a result, they tend to avoid examining issues they think do not affect them directly. However, these issues often do impact them and those around them—friends, colleagues, peers, and loved ones.

Marriage, in particular, tends to amplify these patterns. For example, if a man holds sexist beliefs without realizing it, marriage can bring those attitudes to the surface. This applies to all couples, regardless of gender or tradition. For modern couples, it is especially important to examine and address these beliefs.

Plan on Staying Happily Married

I just want to stop at emotions for a minute. Stay with me, as this is important. One of the biggest mistakes many men make is preparing more for the wedding than for the marriage. They think about the suit, the honeymoon, the proposal, the ring, the house, the money, the career progression, and sometimes even the children before they seriously think about the emotional and psychological skills required to stay married over decades.

From a couples therapist perspective, this becomes painfully obvious very quickly. Many couples do not arrive in therapy because they “fell out of love.” They arrive because years of unresolved resentment, emotional disconnection, defensiveness, pride, poor communication, unmanaged stress, untreated trauma, emotional immaturity, and ego slowly poisoned the relationship.

A lot of men enter marriage believing love alone will carry them through. It will not. Love matters. Attraction matters. Compatibility matters. But emotional regulation, humility, accountability, communication, self-awareness, and the ability to repair emotional damage matter just as much, and often more.

Many men were never taught these skills growing up. Some were raised in homes where apologies never happened. Some watched fathers shut down emotionally, explode in anger, disappear into work, drink instead of communicate, or avoid difficult conversations altogether. Some men learned that vulnerability equals weakness. Others learned that being “right” is more important than being connected.

Then they enter marriage carrying all of this invisible conditioning. Marriage exposes emotional weaknesses very quickly. It is easy to appear emotionally mature during dating. It is much harder when you are tired, stressed, financially pressured, sleep deprived, sexually frustrated, triggered, jealous, overwhelmed, or feeling disrespected.

That is why individual therapy before marriage can be one of the smartest investments a man ever makes. Not because he is “broken.” Not because therapy magically guarantees success. But because marriage magnifies unresolved issues.

If a man struggles with anger, avoidance, insecurity, emotional shutdown, pornography addiction, jealousy, defensiveness, poor communication, unresolved childhood wounds, fear of abandonment, inability to handle criticism, or pride before marriage, those issues usually become more intense after marriage, not less.

A wedding does not heal emotional wounds. A marriage certificate does not magically create maturity. Love does not automatically remove trauma. In many relationships, the biggest problem is not conflict itself. It is the inability to repair after conflict. Healthy couples are not couples who never hurt each other. Healthy couples are couples who know how to reconnect after hurt. That is why statements like this matter deeply:

• “You know what, I could’ve handled that better.”
• “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you, but now that you explain it, I understand that I did.”
• “I’m sorry.”
• “I can see how that affected you.”
• “I’m going to work on that.”
• “That’s something I definitely need to do better at.”
• “I’ve got to stop letting my emotions lead me.”
• “I’m going to correct that.”

Many men underestimate how powerful these words are. A relationship can survive mistakes. It can survive arguments. It can survive bad days. What destroys relationships over time is often chronic defensiveness, contempt, emotional neglect, refusal to take accountability, and pride. Pride is one of the great destroyers of intimacy. Some men would rather protect their ego than protect the relationship. They become obsessed with proving they are right instead of asking: “What is happening emotionally between us?”

In couples therapy, one of the saddest things to witness is when a partner no longer feels emotionally safe enough to bring up pain because every conversation turns into blame, minimisation, sarcasm, shutdown, or counterattack. Over time, resentment builds quietly. And resentment is dangerous because it rarely arrives loudly at first. It accumulates through hundreds of small moments:

• Not feeling heard.
• Not feeling emotionally considered.
• Feeling dismissed.
• Feeling alone inside the relationship.
• Feeling like problems never get resolved.
• Feeling like every concern turns into an argument.
• Feeling emotionally abandoned.
• Feeling like vulnerability gets punished.

Research consistently shows that communication problems, emotional disconnection, infidelity, financial stress, substance abuse, and ongoing conflict are among the major reasons marriages break down. Studies examining women’s experiences after divorce often reveal recurring themes such as emotional neglect, lack of communication, feeling unsupported, lack of partnership, chronic conflict, and feeling unseen or unheard within the relationship.

Many women do not leave marriages because of one dramatic event. They leave because they feel emotionally alone for years. Some men are shocked when divorce happens because they focus mainly on external provision:

“I worked hard.”
“I paid the bills.”
“I stayed loyal.”
“I came home every night.”

Those things matter enormously. But emotional presence matters too. Many men were taught how to provide financially but were never taught how to provide emotional safety. Marriage is not simply a romantic idea. It is also a legal, financial, emotional, psychological, and social contract. This reality matters. When you marry someone, your lives become deeply interconnected:

• finances,
• housing,
• children,
• legal responsibilities,
• family systems,
• emotional health,
• future planning,
• social identity,
• and long-term stability.

Divorce is not just emotional pain. It can involve custody disputes, legal battles, financial losses, asset division, mental health struggles, loneliness, depression, identity collapse, and years of conflict.

In the UK and many Western countries, a substantial percentage of marriages end in divorce. Although divorce rates have shifted over time, the broader reality remains the same: many people enter marriage without the emotional preparation needed to sustain it long term. A man should prepare for marriage the same way he prepares for a career, business, or major life responsibility. He should ask himself difficult questions:

• How do I handle criticism?
• Do I become defensive quickly?
• Can I apologise sincerely?
• Do I shut down emotionally?
• What did I learn about relationships from my parents?
• How do I behave when angry?
• Do I know how to regulate my emotions?
• Am I emotionally available?
• Do I avoid vulnerability?
• Do I secretly struggle with shame?
• Do I know how to listen without trying to win?
• Can I tolerate discomfort without exploding or withdrawing?
• Do I understand my attachment patterns?
• Do I know how trauma affects relationships?
• Do I expect my partner to heal wounds I should address myself?

This is where individual therapy can become transformational. A good therapist helps a man understand:

• his triggers,
• his emotional patterns,
• his fears,
• his attachment style,
• his coping mechanisms,
• his relationship to anger,
• his relationship to shame,
• and the unconscious beliefs he carries into intimacy.

Therapy helps many men develop emotional language for feelings they were never allowed to express growing up. Some men only know how to express pain through:

• anger,
• silence,
• withdrawal,
• irritability,
• workaholism,
• sarcasm,
• sex,
• alcohol,
• or emotional numbness.

But marriage requires emotional literacy. Your wife is not your enemy. Conflict is not always disrespect. Feedback is not always attack. Accountability is not humiliation. One of the greatest skills a man can develop before marriage is the ability to calm himself enough to remain emotionally open during tension. Not perfect.
Not passive. Not weak. But emotionally grounded. Because when a man can say:

“I understand your pain.”
“I see my part.”
“I want to repair this.”
“Help me understand.”
“I don’t want my pride to damage us.”

Intimacy deepens instead of deteriorates. Many couples spend years fighting the wrong battle. The battle is often not: “Who is right?” The real battle is: “Can we stay emotionally connected while dealing with pain, stress, disappointment, conflict, and imperfection?”

Marriage humbles people. Eventually, every couple encounters disappointment.
Every couple wounds each other unintentionally. Every couple faces pressure. The question is not whether problems will happen. The question is: Can both people repair after rupture?

Humility is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relational growth. Not weakness. Not submission. Not losing your masculinity. Humility means being strong enough to examine yourself honestly. A proud man protects his image. A mature man protects the relationship. Do not let pride ruin what humility could heal.

Deconstructing Beliefs About Men, Relationships, and Identity: A Therapeutic Perspective

Now, going back to how I started, when men hear conversations about masculinity, patriarchy, sexism, emotions, or social conditioning, they often react with defensiveness, confusion, dismissal, or silent curiosity that they rarely express.

In therapy, I often notice that many men are not avoiding growth. Instead, they have never had a safe place to explore these ideas without being judged, labeled, or stereotyped.

The TikTok I mentioned makes a broad social claim about men and their beliefs. Whether or not someone agrees, the deeper question in therapy is “How do I actually reflect on who I am, how I was shaped, and how that affects my relationships today?” No matter the labels, all men are shaped by culture, family, peers, media, and early emotional experiences. The real work in therapy is not about shaming anyone’s identity. It is about building awareness, choice, and responsibility. Let’s break down the questions men often have when they begin to engage with this work.

Practical steps

How can I start deconstructing these beliefs in my own life?

Deconstruction does not begin with guilt or self-attack. It begins with curiosity. A helpful starting point is to move from “Am I a bad person?” to “Where did I learn this, and how does it show up in me?” In therapy, practical steps often include:

• Noticing automatic reactions
  Notice when you feel defensive, dismissive, or uncomfortable during conversations about gender, power, or relationships. Instead of judging these feelings, simply observe them.
• Tracing origins
  Ask:
  “Where did I first learn how a man is supposed to behave?”
  Fathers, older male figures, school environments, religion, media, and peer groups often shape these beliefs.
• Examining behaviour, not identity
  Instead of asking “Am I sexist?”, ask:

• How do I respond to women challenging me?
• Do I interrupt, minimise, or shut down?
• Do I expect emotional labour without giving it back?
• Do I feel entitled to control or authority in relationships?

• Testing flexibility
  Try holding a belief lightly and seeing if it can change under reflection rather than defending it automatically.
• Learning emotional language
  Many beliefs are defended because they protect unspoken feelings (shame, fear, insecurity, inadequacy).

This is not about trying to be “politically correct.” It is about becoming more emotionally aware and responsible in relationships.

Therapy process

What does exploring these topics in therapy actually look like?

Therapy is not about being told what is right or wrong. It is a process of uncovering patterns that people often did not choose on purpose. For many men, therapy involves:

• Mapping relationship patterns
  How do you behave under stress, conflict, rejection, or criticism?
• Exploring early conditioning
  What did you learn about masculinity, dominance, emotional expression, and vulnerability growing up?
• Identifying defences
  For example:

• humour used to avoid emotional discomfort
• anger covering shame or fear
• withdrawal replacing communication
• control replacing vulnerability

• Understanding relational impact
  Not just “what do I believe?”, but:

• How does my behaviour affect my partner emotionally?
• Do I create safety or tension in relationships?
• Do I listen to understand or to win?

• Working with shame safely
  A key part of therapy is ensuring men can explore difficult parts of themselves without collapsing into self-hatred or defensiveness.

The goal is not to label men. Instead, it is to help them gain emotional freedom and improve their relationship skills.

Personal relevance

How do I know if these issues are affecting me or my relationships?

Most men don’t notice these patterns until they show up in conflict. You might start to see relevance if:

• You often feel misunderstood in relationships
• Partners describe you as emotionally distant, defensive, or hard to talk to
• You struggle to hear feedback without arguing or shutting down
• You notice recurring conflict patterns that never fully resolve
• You feel frustrated that your “intentions” are misunderstood
• You notice discomfort when women challenge your perspective
• You find it difficult to apologise without adding justification
• You feel like emotional conversations become power struggles

It is important to note that this is not about calling you “toxic” or “bad.” It is about recognising patterns that either build intimacy or block it. In couples therapy, one of the clearest findings is relationships rarely end because of a single issue. More often, they break down due to repeated patterns of disconnection that are never repaired.

So the question becomes not “Do I have these beliefs?” But “How do my beliefs and behaviours show up under stress in my relationship?”

Safety

Will I be judged or shamed if I share my honest thoughts in therapy?

A well-trained therapist should not shame you for what you think or feel. In fact, therapy only works when honesty is possible. If a man feels he has to filter himself to avoid judgment, then the most important material never gets spoken. In good therapy:

• You can say uncomfortable thoughts without being labelled
• You can explore beliefs without being attacked
• You can admit defensiveness, anger, jealousy, or confusion safely
• You are not reduced to political or cultural stereotypes

Therapy is not about agreeing with everything you think. It is about understanding where your thoughts come from and how they affect your life and relationships. A useful way to think about it is you are not being judged for what is inside you.
You are being supported in understanding it so it doesn’t unconsciously control you. That distinction is critical.

Last words

The truth is that most men do not need to be “fixed.” Not that therapists can fix anyone anyway. They need space to think honestly about themselves without shame, pressure, or defensiveness. Many social conversations about masculinity, patriarchy, and gender can become emotionally charged. In therapy, though, the focus moves away from labels and toward real-life experience:

• How do you relate?
• How do you handle difference?
• How do you respond under pressure?
• Can you repair after conflict?
• Can you stay emotionally present when challenged?

These are the real questions that determine the quality of a relationship. For men preparing for marriage, doing this work is necessary if they want a stable, long-term relationship. Because marriage does not create character. It reveals it.

Cassim