Can we talk about how, in the black community, we often do not see enough visible examples of different ways to succeed? I attended a conference recently where I asked the audience to think about successful black men they knew. That were not athletes, musicians, actors, entertainers, drug dealers, pimps and influencers. And they all stared at me blankly. I then asked them to do the same for white men and all of a sudden there were lots. I asked the audience this for a reason I am going to explain in this piece.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those careers. People are free to pursue whatever they want. Many of these men have worked incredibly hard, overcome enormous obstacles and earned every bit of the success they have achieved. They deserve recognition and respect. Even though there is alot of nepo babies, but that is a conversation for another time. The issue is not that these examples exist. The issue is that, for many young black boys growing up between 11-19 years old, these are often the only examples of success they regularly see.
As a qualified counsellor in Reading who works with men , let me tell you what I see. One of the conversations I find myself having repeatedly with male clients begins with them talking about their father. Often, they will tell me that they love their dad. They might respect the sacrifices he made, appreciate that he provided for the family, or acknowledge that he did the best he could with what he had. Yet, almost in the same breath, they will tell me something like “I don’t want to be anything like him.”
As a counsellor, I find this fascinating because it immediately raises another question. If you do not want to be like your father, then who do you want to be? When I ask this question, there is often a long pause. Many men can tell me exactly what they do not want. They do not want to be absent. They do not want to be angry. They do not want to be emotionally unavailable. They do not want to struggle financially. They do not want to repeat the mistakes they witnessed growing up. What they often struggle to tell me is what they do want.
They have a very clear picture of the life they are trying to avoid, but a much less clear picture of the life they are trying to build. This is an important distinction because being driven by what you do not want is very different from being pulled towards what you do want. One is avoidance. The other is aspiration. One is running away from something. The other is moving towards something.
In my experience, many men spend years trying not to become their father without ever developing a clear vision of the man they actually want to become. Part of the reason for this, I believe, is that many men simply have not been exposed to enough examples of different ways of being a man. This is particularly noticeable in parts of the black community. We often talk about representation, but we rarely talk about the lack of ordinary representation. We can point to successful athletes, entertainers, actors, influencers and sometimes even drug dealers who have become local legends. These figures are highly visible and their stories are often repeated.
What is much harder to find are ordinary role models. The black engineer who is willing to talk to young men about his career. The black therapist who can explain how he built his practice. The black teacher who can share his experiences. The black entrepreneur who quietly built a successful business over twenty years. The black father who has maintained a healthy marriage and raised emotionally secure children.
These men exist, but they are often invisible. Many young men have no direct access to them. They cannot ask them questions. They cannot learn from their mistakes. They cannot see how they think, how they solve problems, how they navigate relationships or how they built their lives. As a result, many young men are left trying to create an identity through a process of elimination. “I don’t want to be like him.” “I don’t want to make those mistakes.” “I don’t want that life.”
The problem is that knowing what you do not want only takes you so far. Imagine trying to travel somewhere using a map that only tells you where not to go. It would help you avoid certain roads, but it would not tell you where your destination is. Eventually you would find yourself lost. I sometimes wonder if this is where many men find themselves. They have spent years avoiding becoming one version of a man, but nobody ever helped them develop a vision of another version.
I often find myself wondering about the impact this has on identity, ambition and the beliefs young men develop about their future. One of the most powerful concepts in psychology is modelling. We watch. We imitate. We adapt. We learn what is possible by observing the people around us. Human beings are heavily influenced by what they see other people doing. Human beings do not decide who they want to become in isolation. We learn by watching others. We learn by seeing what is possible. We learn by observing people who look like us achieving things we may never have considered before.
When someone who looks like us achieves something, it expands our sense of what is possible. It creates a bridge between where we are and where we could potentially be. Instead of thinking, “People like me do not do that,” we begin to think, “Perhaps I could do that too.” This is one of the reasons role models are so important. They provide a living blueprint. They show us not only what can be achieved, but how it can be achieved. Without those blueprints, many men are left trying to construct an identity from scratch.
If a young black boy grows up mainly seeing black men represented as athletes, rappers, footballers or entertainers, what does that communicate about the opportunities he believes are available to him? Nobody usually says it directly. No one sits him down and tells him that these are the only routes to success. The message is far more subtle than that. It comes through repetition. The same professions are celebrated repeatedly. The same stories are highlighted. The same images appear over and over again. Over time, young people can begin to associate success with a very narrow range of outcomes.
I think about this alot when working with male clients. Many of the men I meet are intelligent, thoughtful and highly capable. Some are natural leaders. Some are analytical and enjoy solving problems. Some are gifted communicators. Some have a passion for science, technology, psychology or business. Others are creative, reflective and deeply curious about how the world works.
Yet many of them have never met a black psychologist. Many have never met a black architect. Many have never met a black engineer. Many have never met a black academic. Many have never met a black therapist. Many have never met a black entrepreneur who quietly built a successful business from the ground up. Many have never met a black man who earns a decent living, raises his children, contributes to his community and lives a meaningful life away from the spotlight.
For instance, I remember working with a client who, upon meeting a black lawyer for the first time during a community event, was surprised and inspired. He explained that this encounter fundamentally altered his understanding of what was possible for him. Experiences like his demonstrate that the breadth of representation has a significant and often underappreciated impact on aspirations and self-concept within the community. The opposite is also true. When certain careers, lifestyles or achievements are invisible, they can appear out of reach even when they are not. If we never see something, it becomes difficult to imagine ourselves doing it.
Many black boys grow up surrounded by examples of sporting excellence and musical excellence. What is often missing are visible examples of success across a much wider range of professions and lifestyles. The problem is not a lack of ability. The problem is often a lack of exposure. A boy cannot easily aspire to become something he has never seen.
As a therapist, I have noticed that many men carry hidden beliefs about what success should look like. Some feel that they have to become exceptional in order to matter. They feel pressure to be wealthy, famous, admired or widely recognised. Ordinary success can feel inadequate. When we explore where these beliefs come from, however, they often make perfect sense. If most of the successful men you saw growing up were celebrities, success naturally becomes associated with visibility. If most of them were athletes, success becomes associated with extraordinary performance. If most of them were musicians, success becomes associated with fame.
What often gets overlooked are the thousands of men who live meaningful, valuable lives outside the spotlight. The teacher who changes a child’s future. The counsellor helping men work through depression and trauma. The social worker protecting vulnerable families. The business owner creating jobs in their local community. The engineer solving problems that improve people’s lives. The nurse caring for patients during difficult times. The lecturer inspiring the next generation. The father who consistently shows up for his children day after day. These men may never become famous, but their contribution to society is enormous.
As I said, the challenge is that they are often invisible. I believe this is one of the reasons representation matters so much. Not because every young person needs a role model who shares their race. Not because people should only admire individuals who look like them. Representation matters because diversity of representation expands possibility. The more examples we see, the more options we believe are available to us. The wider the map becomes, the easier it is to find a path that genuinely fits who we are.
This is particularly important for black boys growing up today. They need to see black men succeeding in every area of life. They need to see black scientists, therapists, teachers, authors, entrepreneurs, professors, software developers, researchers, doctors and community leaders.
They need to see men who are emotionally intelligent. They need to see men who are actively involved in their children’s lives. They need to see men who create, build, teach, innovate and lead. Most importantly, they need to see that there is more than one way to be a successful man.
Success has never been a single road. There have always been many different paths available. The more of those paths we can make visible, the more likely it is that young men will find the one that genuinely belongs to them.
Unfortunately, there can sometimes be another challenge that emerges when someone begins to take a different route. In some communities, individuals who pursue less traditional paths can occasionally encounter resistance, criticism or even jealousy from those around them. Success can sometimes make other people uncomfortable because it forces them to confront opportunities they never pursued themselves.
In creative fields such as music, writing or the arts, this can sometimes take the form of exclusion, gossip or a lack of support from peers. Instead of being encouraged, talented individuals may find themselves isolated or criticised simply because they are progressing. While this is certainly not unique to the black community, it can create an additional barrier for those attempting to forge new paths.
If we want future generations to see a broader range of possibilities, then we must do more than celebrate success once it has happened. We must actively support people while they are building it. We must encourage young people who are trying something different. We must make visible the men who are succeeding in quiet ways as well as those succeeding on public stages. Because every time a young person sees someone who looks like them thriving in a field they had never considered before, the boundaries of what feels possible expand just a little further.
And that brings us to an important question. How can you become what you do not know? How can you move towards a destination that you cannot picture? How can you build a life when nobody has shown you what that life might look like? For many men, the task is not simply healing from the past. It is developing a vision for the future. It is finding examples of men whose lives reflect their values. It is seeking out mentors, teachers, authors, community leaders and professionals who can expand their understanding of what is possible. Because eventually a man reaches a point where avoiding his father’s mistakes is not enough. He must decide what kind of man he wants to become in his own right. And that journey begins with being able to see that there is more than one way to be a man and more than one way to build a successful life.
Counselling for Black Men and Boys in Reading and Online
Many men spend years trying not to become something without ever being given the opportunity to explore what they want to become instead. Questions around identity, masculinity, confidence, self-worth, purpose, fatherhood, race, belonging, and success can have a significant impact on mental health, relationships, and overall wellbeing.
At Male Minds Counselling, I work with men from diverse backgrounds, including Black British men and young Black men who may be navigating challenges around identity, family relationships, absent fathers, cultural expectations, confidence, anxiety, depression, anger, trauma, loneliness, or finding their place in the world.
As a qualified and NCPS Accredited Counsellor based in Reading, I provide a confidential, non-judgemental space where men can openly explore the pressures they carry, the experiences that have shaped them, and the kind of life they want to build moving forward. Therapy is not simply about addressing problems. It can also be about developing a clearer sense of identity, purpose, direction, and self-understanding.
Whether you are struggling with low self-esteem, relationship difficulties, stress, overthinking, family issues, racial identity, childhood experiences, or questions about masculinity and personal growth, counselling can provide a space to reflect, heal, and move forward.
Sessions are available online across the UK via Zoom or in person in Reading, Berkshire.
Counselling Sessions: £60 per 60-minute session
If you are looking for a counsellor for Black men in Reading, a men’s therapist in Berkshire, counselling for identity issues, support with anxiety and depression, therapy for father wounds, self-esteem counselling, or a culturally aware counsellor who works with men, Male Minds Counselling offers professional and confidential support.
For more information or to book an appointment, visit www.malemindscounselling.com.