Affairs are often treated as the breaking point. The moment everything falls apart. The line that, once crossed, defines the relationship as damaged or even beyond repair. In many therapy rooms, the focus quickly narrows to betrayal, trust, and whether the relationship can survive. In her seminal work “Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity” Michele Scheinkman is challenge that narrow lens.
Michele Scheinkman is not dismissing the pain of betrayal. She is not minimising the impact. What she is doing is asking a harder question. What if we are looking at affairs too late in the story. What if, instead of only focusing on the damage they cause, we also need to understand the emotional forces that lead to them in the first place. That shift is very uncomfortable to the dominate narrative we have about affairs. It moves the conversation away from blame and into complexity.
Many men I sit with are not just dealing with the fallout of an affair. They are dealing with confusion about how they got there. They know what they did. But they do not always understand why. Scheinkman brings in thinkers like Laura Kipnis and Stephen Mitchell to push this conversation further. These are not family therapists working within traditional frameworks. They challenge the assumptions around love, commitment, and marriage itself.
You a lot of the men I work with are living inside those assumptions without ever questioning them. They have been told what a relationship should look like. Loyal, stable, consistent, committed. They have also been told what a man should be. Reliable, controlled, strong, and often emotionally contained. But what rarely gets spoken about is the tension between those expectations and the reality of human desire. Or what can be called the invisible contracts of relationships, which is the difference between what we are told and what the lived experience is.
Scheinkman highlights that relationships are not just about stability. They are also about desire, curiosity, excitement, and emotional aliveness. And these forces do not always sit comfortably within long-term monogamy. That does not excuse affairs. But it does explain why they happen.
For many men, this tension plays out quietly over time. At the start of a relationship, there is energy, attraction, and a sense of being seen. Over time, responsibilities grow. Roles become fixed. The relationship can become more functional than emotional. Communication becomes practical. Intimacy can fade or become predictable. And here is the key part. The man may not consciously register what is happening. He may just feel restless. Irritated. Disconnected. Or even invisible. This is where the emotional story begins, long before any affair.
Scheinkman is asking therapists to widen the lens. To look at affairs not just as acts of betrayal, but as expressions of something that has been building underneath. That might be unmet needs, unspoken frustrations, identity struggles, or a desire to reconnect with parts of the self that feel lost.
In your work with men, many men struggle to articulate emotional dissatisfaction within a relationship. They are often more comfortable talking about problems than feelings. So instead of saying “I feel unseen” or “I feel disconnected,” it comes out as withdrawal, irritability, or silence. Over time, that gap grows.
An affair, in this context, can sometimes feel less like a calculated decision and more like a moment of emotional awakening. A place where a man suddenly feels desired, interesting, alive again. That experience can be powerful. Not just sexually, but psychologically. It reconnects him with a version of himself that he may feel he has lost. Again, this does not justify the behaviour. But it helps explain the pull.
Scheinkman also introduces the importance of culture in how we understand affairs. She speaks from a bicultural perspective, highlighting how different societies hold different views on relationships, fidelity, and desire. This matters in therapy. Because the way affairs are judged is not neutral. It is shaped by moral frameworks, cultural expectations, and social narratives. In more rigid or “absolute” value systems, affairs are often seen purely in terms of right and wrong. But when therapy operates only from that position, something gets lost. Curiosity disappears. Exploration shuts down. The complexity of the situation is reduced to a verdict.
For men, this can lead to immediate shame and defensiveness. If the only message is “you have done wrong,” then the natural response is either to collapse into guilt or to push back and justify. Neither of those positions leads to real understanding or change. Scheinkman is encouraging therapists to hold a more nuanced position. One that can acknowledge the pain of betrayal while also exploring the meaning of the affair. What did it represent. What emotional need did it meet. What part of the self did it reconnect. These are difficult conversations, but they are necessary. Because without them, the risk is that the affair becomes a closed chapter rather than a point of insight.
Another important idea in the paper is the role of contradiction in love. Love is not clean or consistent. It holds opposing forces. Stability and excitement. Commitment and freedom. Security and desire. Most people are not taught how to hold these contradictions. Instead, they are pushed toward one side. Be loyal. Be stable. Be committed. But the other side does not disappear. It just goes underground.
For many men, this creates internal conflict. They want to be a good partner. A reliable father. A stable presence. But they also want to feel alive, desired, and free. When there is no space to explore that tension openly, it can emerge in hidden ways. Affairs are one of those ways.
In therapy, this is where the work becomes less about fixing the behaviour and more about understanding the person. What does this man believe about relationships. About himself. About desire. About responsibility. What has he never said out loud. What has he been carrying quietly.
When you create space for those questions, something shifts. The conversation moves away from surface-level blame and into deeper emotional territory. For some couples, this opens the possibility of repair. For others, it leads to a clearer understanding of why the relationship cannot continue. Either way, it brings honesty into the room.
Scheinkman’s approach does not offer a single solution. Instead, it offers flexibility. It recognises that every affair carries different meanings depending on the individuals involved, their histories, their cultures, and the dynamics of the relationship. Flexibility is key. Because not every man who has an affair is the same. Some are acting out unresolved wounds. Some are seeking validation. Some are avoiding difficult conversations. Some are responding to long-standing disconnection. And some do not fully understand their own actions until they are given the space to explore them.
What this study ultimately offers is permission to go deeper. To move beyond the immediate narrative of betrayal and into the emotional landscape that sits underneath. For men, that landscape is often underdeveloped, not because it is not there, but because it has not been explored. Our role, is not to collude or to condemn. It is to help bring that landscape into awareness. To help the man see not just what he has done, but what has been driving him. Because without that understanding, patterns tend to repeat. But with it, there is at least the possibility of something different.
Counselling for Affairs, Infidelity and Relationship Problems in Reading and Online
Have you had an affair and are struggling to understand why it happened? Are you dealing with guilt, shame, confusion, relationship conflict, or the fallout of infidelity? Perhaps you have been betrayed by a partner and are trying to make sense of what happened, whether the relationship can be repaired, or how to move forward.
At Male Minds Counselling, I work with men who are navigating the emotional impact of affairs, infidelity, relationship breakdown, separation, divorce, trust issues, betrayal, and complex relationship dynamics. Many of the men I support are not only trying to understand what happened in their relationship, but also what was happening within themselves before the affair occurred. Often there are deeper issues involving unmet emotional needs, attachment difficulties, loneliness, loss of intimacy, low self-esteem, unresolved trauma, or a growing sense of disconnection that has gone unspoken for years.
As an NCPS Accredited Counsellor based in Reading, Berkshire, I provide a confidential, supportive, and non-judgemental space where men can explore their relationships honestly and openly. Therapy can help you better understand patterns of behaviour, emotional needs, communication difficulties, attachment styles, and the factors that may be contributing to recurring relationship problems.
Whether you are trying to rebuild trust after an affair, recover from betrayal, understand your own actions, cope with separation, or decide whether a relationship can be repaired, counselling can help you gain clarity and move forward with greater self-awareness.
I offer counselling for men in Reading, Wokingham, Woodley, Earley, Caversham, Tilehurst, Theale, Pangbourne, Twyford, Winnersh, Bracknell, Maidenhead, Newbury, Thatcham, Basingstoke, Henley-on-Thames, High Wycombe, Didcot, Wallingford, and the surrounding areas. I also provide online counselling across the UK via Zoom, making therapy accessible wherever you are based.
Sessions are available both online and in person in Reading, with evening appointments available for professionals, shift workers, students, and busy parents.
Counselling Sessions: £60 per 60-minute session
If you are looking for counselling for affairs in Reading, infidelity counselling, relationship counselling for men, support after betrayal, therapy for trust issues, marriage and relationship counselling, separation counselling, divorce support, or online counselling anywhere in the UK, Male Minds Counselling offers professional, compassionate, and confidential support.
For more information or to arrange an initial appointment, visit www.malemindscounselling.com.