Discovering that your partner is having suicidal thoughts can be terrifying and deeply overwhelming. It is completely natural to feel panicked, helpless, or unsure of what to do next. You might feel an intense pressure to fix everything immediately, but holding up a loved one during their darkest moments is not something you have to do perfectly, nor do you have to do it alone.
In the UK, men are often conditioned to step into problem solving mode when a crisis hits. However, supporting a partner experiencing suicidal thoughts is less about having all the answers and more about being a safe, calm, and listening presence while connecting them to professional help.
If your partner is in immediate danger or you feel they cannot keep themselves safe right now, please act immediately:
- Call 999 for emergency assistance or take them to the nearest A&E department, such as Royal Berkshire Hospital.
- Call NHS 111 (Option 2) for 24/7 Berkshire NHS urgent mental health support.
- Call Samaritans on 116 123 for free, confidential 24/7 listening support.
- Text SHOUT to 85258 for confidential 24/7 text support.
What are suicidal feelings?
Suicidal feelings can be different for different people. For some, it might be fleeting thoughts about not wanting to be alive in response to other distressing feelings or events; for others, it might be feeling like the world or people around them would be better without them. And then at the other end of the spectrum, it could be making actual plans to end their lives. Many people have suicidal feelings at some point in their lives, and it’s important to remember that most of those people do not act on their thoughts. However, while this might be the case, it can be a really worrying time, especially if that person is someone you love and care about.
What are the signs someone is experiencing suicidal feelings?
Sometimes, we don’t always know for sure what people are thinking and how they’re feeling unless they tell us. But there might be some changes in their behaviour that could indicate they are experiencing some distress. Of course, you know your partner and how they usually behave, so the following examples are just a general guide of things that you may notice.
These changes might include:
- Risky behaviour (doing things that could potentially put them in danger)
- Withdrawing from things they’d usually enjoy
- Changes in mood (being more irritable, anxious, restless, or angry)
- Changes in sleep pattern (sleeping a lot more or a lot less than they would usually)
- Talking in a negative way about life or about themselves
- Withdrawing from people they’d usually have contact with
Of course, the things above could also be indicators of other mental health issues, so it’s important that if you do notice any changes in your partner’s behaviour that you talk to them about it, if that feels appropriate.
It’s important to remember that lots of people experience suicidal thoughts without ever acting on them. But if you are concerned about your partner intending to take their life, here are some common indicators to look out for:
- Stating they want to end their lives or talking about death or suicide
- Saying or doing things that might feel like a goodbye (this can look as straightforward as sending goodbye messages to people, but it can also be more subtle, such as telling people how much the person loves them in a way that feels heavy and/or final; letting people know how much they mean to the person; suddenly apologising for past, long-forgotten events; or trying to make amends for past mistakes or wrongdoing)
- A sense of organising their life in a way that might feel like an ending, such as giving belongings away or making financial or legal arrangements (like making a will) in case of death.
Whether your partner has told you they’re feeling suicidal, or whether you suspect they might have suicidal feelings, here are some other things for you to consider:
Take it seriously
People who have suicidal thoughts don’t always intend to act on them. But some do. Which is why if someone has been brave enough to tell you what’s going on, or if you suspect someone might be feeling this way, it’s important to take them seriously.
If you feel your partner is at risk of acting on their thoughts, or they have said they intend to end their life, you can call 999 or go to your local A+E, where you will be supported and your partner can be kept safe.
Know your own limits
When a loved one is experiencing suicidal feelings, it can be hard to know what exactly your role is. Being there for someone in need can take a real toll on someone and sometimes cause you to feel solely responsible. It’s okay to be in a supportive role, but remember that you don’t need to solve all their problems or make their feelings go away. The pressure to be a certain way and know exactly what to do can be really overwhelming. Being there as a supportive presence, without judgement, is something you can do, though, as long as it feels manageable. It’s important to note that the majority of people supporting a loved one in this way are not mental health professionals, so don’t feel like you have to have all the answers or know exactly what to do all the time.
If for any reason you feel like you cannot support your partner with how they feel, that’s okay, too. In this case, explaining the reasons why (if you can) and exploring other options can be useful, so that you don’t feel overwhelmed and your partner doesn’t feel unsupported.
Listen
If your partner does open up to you about their feelings, it can be really tempting to jump straight into solution finding. It’s natural to want to want to help, but actually, it can be more helpful to simply listen as a first step. Active listening and validating feelings without trying to fix the problem can help the other person feel heard, understood, and even help them to open up further. It might even feel like a relief to talk about these feelings, rather than dealing with them alone.
Here’s how you can practise listening:
- Be present Being present allows you to really hear what the other person is saying, so you can respond authentically and without distraction. If there are any distractions around - such as devices, other people, work, or something else - it might be useful to go somewhere you won’t be interrupted.
- Try not to respond too soon You might have so much to say and have a lot of questions, but try not to reply too soon, as it could interrupt the other person or prevent them from sharing more of what they had to say.
- Be empathetic Having empathy for somebody else means you can put yourself in their shoes, whether you have experienced their situation or not. Being able to do this may help your partner feel comfortable, heard, and more able to share.
Ask if you’re not sure
Listening is a great skill to have, but it’s okay to ask questions, too, when the time is right. There are lots of studies that state asking direct questions about suicidal feelings can actually be helpful. Not only does it invite the other person to talk directly about the subject, but it might also help to know exactly the extent of what is happening for the other person, and how you might feel able to help them.
Try to stay calm
When confronted with something difficult or scary, it’s understandable to feel upset, overwhelmed, or even shocked. Remaining calm, rather than visibly upset, can help your partner feel calm, too. Of course, this is easier said than done, and sometimes your natural reactions just play out before you have time to think about how to respond. If this happens, try not to be too hard on yourself. Returning to a conversation in a calm way once you’ve had time to organise your thoughts can be just as helpful.
Help your partner think about how they can help themselves
If this feels appropriate, helping your partner explore how they can keep themselves safe can be a really good, practical way to find some helpful ways to cope in moments of distress. Having these ways to cope is often called a “safety plan” and can be useful for your partner - and you, too - as it’s something you can refer to when things feel difficult.
Here are some examples of what you could help them explore:
- Exploring the situations, feelings, or possible triggers that increase the suicidal feelings - e.g. feeling overwhelmed at work, conflict with family members, being around certain people, or going to certain places that hold difficult memories
- Finding ways to help distract or soothe themselves - e.g. doing something they enjoy, practising some deep breathing, practising self-care, spending time with a pet
- Thinking about what they might say to someone else in a similar position - exploring this can be a good way to get someone to think outside of themselves when taking their own advice or words of encouragement feel too difficult
- Thinking about safe places they could go - e.g. at home, a special place, or just somewhere they feel comfortable and calm
- Thinking about safe people they feel able to reach out to during times of distress - this might be you, or it could be a number of different people, which can be helpful when trying to build your partner’s support system
- Thinking about what they can do if they feel at immediate risk - e.g. calling 999, calling a crisis service, going to A+E. Having a print out of some crisis services can be useful, here, so that you have them to hand.
And talking of professional support
It can be really useful to support your partner to engage with mental health professionals. Of course, this needs to feel right for your loved one, but with your support, this might feel easier to do.
Making an appointment with a GP is a great first step to take - GPs might be able to help in many ways, such as signposting to local services and exploring options, and they can also form part of a support network, which in the long term could be so helpful. You could even suggest going with them to an appointment if this feels right for both of you.
If talking to a GP doesn’t feel right for your partner, don’t forget, reaching out to 111 is a good start. This support is here for your partner, but also for you, too.
Connecting with Professional Support
Encouraging your partner to engage with professional help is one of the most effective ways you can support them.
Start with a GP: Booking an appointment with a local Reading GP is often the quickest entry point for NHS mental health referrals, therapy, and support. Offer to go with them to the appointment or sit in the waiting room if that makes them feel more comfortable.
Local Reading Services: Explore local community resources together, such as No5 Young People’s Counselling (for ages 11 to 25 in Berkshire) or Berkshire West Breathing Space for out-of-hours adult support (0800 002 9091).
Helplines and Webchats: Services like CALM (0800 58 58 58), PAPYRUS HOPELINE247 (0800 068 4141), or anonymous online platforms like Kooth and Qwell offer accessible, low-pressure ways to speak with trained practitioners.
Do Not Forget to Take Care of Yourself
Supporting a partner through suicidal distress is emotionally draining. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and looking after your own well-being is essential if you are going to continue being a strong support for them.
Make time for your own physical and mental outlets, whether that is going to the gym, meeting up with a mate, or spending time outdoors.
Lean on your own support network. Consider attending a local peer support group like Andy’s Man Club in Reading (Mondays at 7 PM) where you can speak openly with other men in a safe, confidential environment.
Reach out for professional support or counselling for yourself if the strain becomes too heavy to manage alone.