Most men when considering sex and sexuality tend to see it as being biological or instinctive, as something “natural” which occurs between two people whenever there is attraction. The idea that Butler and Byrne question in their work is this simple one; they maintain that sex and sexuality are not merely biological experiences but are greatly influenced by culture. This implies that the way you think about sex, the way you act in relationships, the beliefs you have regarding what is “normal”, and even what you feel at ease in expressing are not solely derived from within yourself but have instead been shaped by the world in which you grew up.
By this account, culture consists of all the surrounding influences that teach you the meaning of sex; this encompasses family attitudes, religion, education, the media, pornography, friends, and wider society. For instance, Butler and Byrne (2010) explain that boys may notice their fathers or older male relatives avoiding showing emotion, thus reinforcing the idea that emotional expression is not something that is masculine. From an early age, men receive messages regarding what it means to be a man and what it means to be sexual. In many cultures boys are taught that masculinity is connected to performance, control, and sexual confidence, while emotional vulnerability or uncertainty about sex is usually discouraged or ashamed of. These messages are absorbed and later appear in adult relationships.
A central concept in this field of study is the idea that sexuality is not merely something you possess, but rather something that you learn to carry out. Men are typically given a certain sexual script. A script is similar to a set of unwritten rules concerning how sex should take place. For instance, it is expected that men should initiate, show confidence, always know what they are doing, and place a priority on performance and achieving an erection. Women, on the other hand, are generally put in the opposite position, which would be that of being more passive, receptive, or emotionally oriented. It is even interesting thinking about the language each uses. Some men may say I want to smash or bang her, f*ck her, split her open ect. While some women might use, make love, be intimate, sleep together. The words themselves say alot. Although these scripts are not necessarily true or beneficial, they are powerful since they influence people’s expectations. If the actual situation does not conform to the script, men may feel anxious, ashamed, or as though they have failed.
Butler and Byrne also point out that sexuality is closely linked to power; in many cultural settings male sexuality is seen as relating to dominance or control. This can lead to a situation where men feel they have to ‘prove’ themselves sexually even if they are not emotionally attached or ready. It can also make it hard for men to express any uncertainty, to ask questions or to take things at a slower pace. Rather than doing so, they might proceed with sexual behaviour which is motivated more by expectation than by real desire or connection. So many men end up having sex, not experiencing sex. They are acting it out, while watching and observing their performance, rather than experiencing the emotions and pleasure ability of the act for the two people.
A further significant point is that sexuality is not fixed or universal; it varies from one time to another and from one place and culture to another. What is considered normal in one society might be seen in a completely different way in another, thus demonstrating the variety of sexual norms and expressions around the world. For example, in some societies same-sex relationships are openly celebrated, while in others they may be stigmatised or even made illegal, showing how cultural beliefs directly affect people’s understanding of sexual identity. Even within the same society, different groups of men may have different experiences of sexuality depending on their race, class, religion, and social surroundings. For instance, a gay man coming from a conservative religious background will not only have to meet more strict expectations regarding sexual behaviour, but will also suffer discrimination because of both his sexual orientation and his cultural background, which can lead to a greater sense of isolation or pressure to conform. On the other hand, a gay man from an urban, secular environment will tend to find greater acceptance of diverse sexual identities and will have access to more support networks. The way in which these various identities—such as sexuality, religion, socioeconomic status, and ethnicity—intersect shapes each individual’s experience in a complex manner. This diversity is important since it contradicts the notion that there is a single ‘correct’ way of being sexual; instead, there are many different ways of experiencing and expressing sexuality, all of which are shaped by the intricate combination of individual and contextual factors.
At first, this idea may make many men feel uncomfortable since it goes against the notion that sexual difficulties are just a matter of personal failure. Yet it does demonstrate that the problems many men have in terms of intimacy are not merely individual issues; instead they are usually the result of cultural expectations that have been acquired and which no longer apply to real relationships.
For instance, a man experiencing sexual performance anxiety might not simply have a problem with ‘lack of confidence’. He could be the result of years of cultural messages telling him that he must always perform, must always be ready, and must always be in control. A man who has difficulty in expressing his emotional needs during sex might not be emotionally blocked by nature, but rather might have been conditioned to think that vulnerability is not masculine or desirable.
It is at this point that awareness gains power. When you regard sexuality as one that is influenced by culture, you then start to question the lifestyles you are following. You can ask yourself if your sexual behaviour is based on true connection or instead on pressure and expectation. You can also begin to distinguish your identity as a man from the version of masculinity you may have been taught.
In practice, this involves slowing down and being more reflective in your sexual and relational life, noticing whether you are acting out of pressure rather than out of desire, and acknowledging that intimacy is not merely about performance but about connection, communication, and shared experience; when men start to change in this way, sex usually becomes less concerned with proving something and more about sharing an experience.
What Butler and Byrne have done is to make us consider sexuality not as a private and individual impulse but as one that is socially constructed. This point is significant for men since it makes it possible for them to change; if sexuality can be acquired, it can also be unlearned and relearned in healthier manners. This offers men a kind of freedom that many of them do not realise they have—freedom not only to perform in different ways but also to relate in different ways, to feel differently, and finally to experience intimacy in a more realistic and genuine manner.