Therapy should not require you to leave your identity at the door
One of the questions I think men should be able to ask before entering counselling is:
“Will you actually understand me?”
Not simply understand the problem that brought you into therapy, but understand something about the world in which you have experienced that problem.
Because being a man does not mean experiencing life in one universal way.
A Black British man may have experiences connected to racism, identity, family expectations or masculinity that another man has never encountered.
A Tamil man may have cultural, family or community expectations around achievement, relationships, masculinity and emotional expression that are important to understand.
An Indian man may have particular experiences around family, responsibility, success, relationships, immigration, cultural identity or expectations between generations.
A neurodivergent man may experience communication, sensory environments, social interaction and emotional regulation differently from a neurotypical man.
And a man can occupy several of these identities at the same time.
He might be Black and neurodivergent.
He might be Tamil and gay.
He might be Indian and experiencing depression.
He might be a British-born man whose parents were born elsewhere and who feels caught between different cultural expectations.
He might not identify strongly with any particular cultural identity at all.
This is why I believe counselling needs to be adaptive.
At Male Minds Counselling in Reading, I do not believe that therapy should involve putting every man through exactly the same process.
Instead, the counselling relationship should give you space to explain who you are, what your experiences have been and what matters to you.
What does culturally competent counselling actually mean?
Cultural competence does not mean that a counsellor knows everything about every culture.
That would be impossible.
It means recognising that culture can influence how a person understands themselves, their family, relationships, emotions, masculinity, success, responsibility and mental health.
It also means being willing to learn from the person sitting in front of you.
Rather than assuming:
“Because you are Indian, this must be the issue.”
I might ask:
“What does your cultural background mean to you?”
Rather than assuming:
“Your family is traditional, so they must be controlling.”
I might ask:
“What expectations do you feel your family has of you?”
Rather than assuming:
“You are Black, so racism must be the reason you are struggling.”
I might ask:
“Have experiences of race, racism or identity affected how you see yourself or how other people respond to you?”
The difference is important.
Cultural competence should involve curiosity rather than stereotyping.
Your identity belongs to you.
You get to decide what parts of it are important.
Counselling for Black men
For some Black men, psychological difficulties can exist alongside experiences of racism, stereotyping, discrimination, cultural expectations and perceptions of masculinity.
For others, these issues may have little relevance to why they have entered counselling.
Both experiences are valid.
A Black man should not have to spend his counselling sessions educating his counsellor about being Black if that is not what he wants to do.
Equally, he should be able to talk about racism if it is affecting him without having his experience dismissed or minimised.
There can also be complicated questions around masculinity.
Some men may have learned that they must be strong, resilient and capable of handling difficulties without asking for help.
Others may have experienced expectations from family, community or society about how a Black man is supposed to behave.
Therapy can provide somewhere to examine those expectations.
You might ask yourself:
“Who am I when I am not trying to prove myself?”
“Why do I feel that I always have to be strong?”
“What happens when somebody disrespects me?”
“How has racism affected the way I see myself?”
“Do I feel comfortable showing vulnerability?”
“What does being a man mean to me?”
These questions do not have predetermined answers.
The purpose of counselling is to understand your experience rather than impose someone else’s interpretation upon it.
Counselling for Tamil men
Tamil men may also navigate multiple cultural expectations.
Family relationships, expectations around education and career, responsibility towards parents, relationships, marriage, sexuality, masculinity and community can all potentially become important areas of discussion.
But again, there is no single “Tamil experience.”
A British-born Tamil man may have a very different relationship with culture from someone who moved to Britain as an adult.
Someone may feel deeply connected to their cultural heritage.
Another person may feel disconnected from it.
Another may feel caught somewhere between two worlds.
You might feel that your family expects one version of you while British society expects another.
You might find yourself asking:
“Who am I supposed to be?”
Therapy can provide space to explore that question without requiring you to choose one identity over another.
You do not have to reject your culture to become psychologically healthier.
You also do not have to follow every expectation simply because it comes from your culture.
Counselling can help you work out what you believe.
Counselling for Indian men
Indian men can similarly experience a complex mixture of cultural, family and social expectations.
Perhaps you have been expected to succeed academically or professionally.
Perhaps being financially successful has become closely connected with your sense of worth.
Perhaps your family has strong opinions about relationships, marriage or your future.
Perhaps you feel responsible for your parents.
Perhaps you have grown up with expectations about emotional control and masculinity.
Or perhaps none of these things describe you.
The important thing is that therapy starts with your experience rather than a stereotype about Indian men.
You may want to explore questions such as:
“Why do I feel guilty when I put myself first?”
“Why does disappointing my family feel unbearable?”
“How much of my life is based on what I want?”
“How much is based on what I think I am supposed to want?”
“What does success actually mean to me?”
These questions can be particularly important when cultural expectations and personal identity appear to pull in different directions.
When culture and family expectations collide
Sometimes the difficulty is not culture itself.
It is the conflict between different parts of your identity.
You may love your family while disagreeing with their expectations.
You may respect your cultural background while wanting to live differently.
You may want independence while feeling responsible for your parents.
You may want a relationship that your family does not understand.
You may have a sexuality or gender identity that you are uncertain about discussing with people close to you.
You may feel guilty for wanting something different.
These situations can produce complicated emotions.
You can love your family and still feel angry with them.
You can respect your culture and still question some of its expectations.
You can be proud of where your family comes from and still feel British.
You can be British and still feel strongly connected to your family’s heritage.
Human identity is rarely as simple as choosing one side.
Counselling can provide space to explore those contradictions.
Therapy for neurodivergent men
Counselling should also adapt to how a person communicates and processes information.
For neurodivergent men, traditional therapy environments can sometimes create additional difficulties.
Eye contact may feel uncomfortable.
Abstract questions may be difficult to interpret.
You may prefer concrete questions.
You may need more time to process what has been said.
You may communicate more easily through written words.
You may become overwhelmed by particular environments or sensory experiences.
You may struggle to identify or describe emotions.
None of these things mean that you are unsuitable for counselling.
It may simply mean that counselling needs to be adapted.
Instead of asking:
“How does that make you feel?”
a counsellor might sometimes need to ask something more concrete:
“What happened immediately before you became angry?”
“What did you notice in your body?”
“What did you think the other person meant?”
“What did you do next?”
Concrete language can make psychological exploration much easier.
Counselling does not have to rely on eye contact
There is an assumption that good communication means looking directly at someone while they speak.
That is not necessarily true for everyone.
Some people think better when they are looking away.
Some people find sustained eye contact distracting.
Some people communicate more comfortably while walking, sitting beside someone or using an online format.
The goal of therapy is not to make you perform “normal” communication.
The goal is to communicate effectively.
If a particular way of communicating helps you think and speak more freely, that is worth discussing.
Neurodivergence and emotional regulation
Some neurodivergent men may experience emotions very intensely.
Anger can become overwhelming.
Sensory overload can make ordinary situations exhausting.
Social misunderstandings can create frustration.
Changes in routine can produce significant distress.
After years of being told that your reactions are simply “too much,” you may begin to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you.
Counselling can help you understand what is happening rather than simply judging the behaviour.
We can explore triggers, patterns, communication, sensory experiences, emotional regulation and coping strategies.
The objective is not to make you behave like somebody else.
It is to help you understand yourself and develop strategies that work for your life.
What if you are both culturally diverse and neurodivergent?
This is where individualised therapy becomes particularly important.
You might be a Black autistic man.
You might be an Indian man with ADHD.
You might be a Tamil man who is neurodivergent.
You might have several different aspects of your identity that influence one another.
There is no single therapeutic template for you.
Your experiences may exist at the intersection of culture, race, masculinity, family, sexuality, neurodivergence, relationships, work and wider society.
Counselling should have enough flexibility to explore those different parts of your experience.
You should not have to separate yourself into categories.
You are one person.
You can tell your counsellor what you need
One of the most important principles of an adaptive therapeutic relationship is that you can tell your counsellor what works for you.
You might say:
“I find abstract questions difficult.”
“Can you be more direct with me?”
“I need a little longer to think before I answer.”
“I don’t like making eye contact while I’m talking.”
“I’d rather write this down.”
“I want to talk about my culture because I think it is relevant.”
“I don’t want to talk about my culture today.”
“I want you to challenge me rather than simply listen.”
These are useful pieces of information.
They help shape the therapeutic relationship around the person rather than forcing the person to fit the therapy.
Choice and collaboration matter
I believe counselling works best when it is collaborative.
You should have a voice in what we discuss and how we work.
That includes talking about your goals.
It includes discussing the pace of counselling.
It includes considering which therapeutic approaches might be useful.
It includes discussing communication preferences.
And it includes being able to tell me when something is not working for you.
Therapy is not supposed to be something that simply happens to you.
It is something we work on together.
Male Minds Counselling in Reading
At Male Minds Counselling, I provide counselling for boys, teenagers and adult men in Reading and surrounding areas.
My practice takes a pluralistic approach, drawing on cognitive behavioural, humanistic and psychodynamic approaches.
This allows therapy to be adapted to the individual rather than assuming that one psychological model will work for every man.
For me, inclusivity is not simply about putting a statement on a website saying that everybody is welcome.
It is about asking:
“What does this particular person need in order to feel able to participate fully in counselling?”
For one man, that may mean exploring cultural identity.
For another, it may mean discussing racism.
For another, it may mean understanding family expectations.
For another, it may mean adapting communication because he is neurodivergent.
For another, it may mean talking about masculinity and what he believes a man is supposed to be.
And for another man, none of those things may be relevant at all.
That is okay.
Your identity does not have to become the subject of therapy simply because you belong to a particular group.
But if it matters to you, there should be room for it.
Counselling for Men Across Reading and Berkshire
Male Minds Counselling provides support to boys and men in Reading and surrounding communities, including Lower Earley, Earley, Woodley, Wokingham, Caversham, Tilehurst, Theale, Twyford, Newbury, Maidenhead, Basingstoke and High Wycombe.
You can come to counselling with a clearly defined problem.
You can come feeling completely confused.
You can come knowing that something is wrong but not knowing what it is.
And you can come with a complicated mixture of cultural, personal, psychological and social experiences that you are trying to make sense of.
You do not need to fit a particular stereotype to receive counselling.
You do not need to change your identity.
You do not need to explain your entire culture.
And you do not need to pretend that your experiences are the same as anyone else’s.
The starting point is you.
Your background.
Your experiences.
Your relationships.
Your way of communicating.
Your understanding of yourself.
And ultimately, your goals for counselling.
Because culturally responsive therapy is not about finding the right therapy for a Black man, an Indian man, a Tamil man or a neurodivergent man.
It is about finding an appropriate way of working with this particular Black man, this particular Indian man, this particular Tamil man or this particular neurodivergent man sitting in front of me.