When you are stuck in a storm of heavy emotions, intense stress, overwhelming shame, unbearable anxiety, or urges to self-harm, your brain is not operating in the same way it does when you are calm. That is not a character flaw. It is human biology.
When the nervous system detects danger, whether physical, emotional, social, or psychological, the brain can move into a state of heightened threat. Your attention narrows, your body becomes activated, your thoughts can become repetitive and extreme, and your ability to see alternatives can shrink. You may start thinking:
- “I can’t do this anymore.”
- “Nothing is going to change.”
- “I need this feeling to stop.”
- “There is no way out.”
In those moments, telling yourself to simply think positively is unlikely to be enough. This is precisely why a Personal Safety Plan can be so useful. A safety plan is a practical document that you create when you are relatively calm. It becomes a set of instructions for what to do when you are no longer thinking clearly. Think of it as a playbook for difficult moments; you do not want to be designing the playbook while you are already in the middle of the match.
You want to have worked out beforehand:
- What happens to me when I start struggling?
- What are my warning signs?
- What can I do to bring the intensity down?
- Who can I contact?
- Where can I go?
- How can I make my environment safer?
- When do I need professional help?
- What do I do if those strategies are not enough?
A good safety plan does not depend upon you suddenly becoming rational in a crisis. It reduces the amount of thinking you have to do.
If You Need Urgent Support Right Now
A safety plan is useful for preventing escalation, but it is not a substitute for emergency help. If you feel that you may seriously harm yourself or you cannot keep yourself safe, do not rely solely on your written plan. Get another person involved immediately. In an emergency in the UK:
- Call 999 or go to your nearest A&E department.
- Call NHS 111 and select the mental health option where available for urgent mental health support.
- Call Samaritans on 116 123 (free, 24 hours a day).
- Text SHOUT to 85258 for 24/7 crisis text support.
- If you are under 19, Childline is available on 0800 1111.
If you are supporting somebody else who is in immediate danger, do not leave them alone if doing so would increase the risk; get emergency assistance. The important principle is simple: if you are in immediate danger, move towards people and professional help rather than trying to manage the crisis alone.
Learn Your Early Warning Signs
Most crises do not appear from nowhere; there is often a build-up. The problem is that we can become very good at ignoring that build-up. You might tell yourself: “I’m fine,” “I’m just tired,” “I just need a drink,” “I’ll deal with it tomorrow,” “Everyone is getting on my nerves today,” or “I just want to be left alone.” However, these can sometimes be signs that something is changing internally. The earlier you recognise your warning signs, the more options you usually have.
Think about your warning signs across several key areas:
Your body: You might notice a racing heart, feeling hot or sweaty, tightness in your chest, a tense jaw, headaches, restlessness, shaking, feeling exhausted, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, feeling physically agitated, or feeling numb and disconnected.
Your thoughts: You might begin thinking: “Nobody cares about me,” “I can’t cope,” “Everything is ruined,” “I’m a failure,” “I have had enough,” “People would be better off without me,” “I need to escape,” or “I don’t care what happens anymore.” Pay particular attention to all-or-nothing thinking like “Everything is terrible,” “Nothing will ever change,” “Everyone hates me,” or “There is absolutely no point.” When you are overwhelmed, your brain can present temporary circumstances as permanent realities.
Your behaviour: You might withdraw from people, stop answering messages, stay in bed, stop exercising, stop going to work or college, drink more, use drugs, gamble, spend excessive amounts of time gaming, use pornography compulsively, become increasingly argumentative, start destroying things, drive recklessly, take unnecessary risks, stop eating properly, or stay awake all night.
Your relationships: Perhaps you have just had an argument with your partner, fallen out with a friend, been rejected, experienced a breakup, had contact with your children reduced, received criticism, been humiliated, lost your job, had an argument with your parents, felt excluded, experienced racism, homophobia, or discrimination, or been reminded of something painful from your past. These events do not automatically cause a crisis, but they may activate something deeper.
Your own warning signs: Complete this sentence: “I know I am starting to struggle when...” Write down at least five things. For example:
- I stop replying to people.
- I start sleeping badly.
- I become obsessed with one problem.
- I start drinking.
- I become angry over small things.
- I start thinking that nothing matters.
- I begin thinking about hurting myself.
These are your early warning lights.
Identify What Usually Triggers You
Warning signs tell you that your emotional state is changing, whereas triggers can help you understand what may have started the change.
Your triggers might include relationship conflict, rejection, loneliness, financial pressure, work stress, family conflict, arguments, shame, humiliation, feeling criticised, feeling powerless, feeling abandoned, sexual or relationship difficulties, problems involving children, court proceedings, social media, alcohol or drugs, lack of sleep, anniversary dates, memories of trauma, or feeling like a failure.
Sometimes the trigger is obvious, and sometimes it is not. You might wake up feeling terrible and have no idea why, but that does not mean your feelings are invalid. Human emotions are influenced by sleep, hormones, stress, memories, relationships, physical health, and accumulated pressure. Your safety plan does not require you to perfectly understand why you feel bad; it simply needs to help you decide what to do next.
Remember What Has Helped Before
When you are overwhelmed, your brain can forget your previous successes. You may have survived difficult periods before and completely forget that you did.
Ask yourself: “What has helped me get through difficult moments before?” Perhaps it was going for a walk, going to the gym, playing football, listening to music, gaming, watching something familiar, cooking, having a shower, sitting somewhere quiet, being around animals, writing, praying or practising spirituality, talking to someone, leaving an argument, going somewhere public, sleeping, eating something, getting outside, or being physically active.
Create two distinct lists:
- Things that help me calm down: These reduce emotional intensity.
- Things that help distract me: These give your brain something else to focus on.
They are not necessarily the same thing. Sometimes you don’t need to solve the problem; you simply need to survive the next thirty minutes without making the situation worse.
Create a 10-Minute Survival List
When emotions are extremely intense, don’t necessarily ask yourself: “How am I going to fix my life?” That question may be far too big. Instead, ask: “What can I do for the next ten minutes?” Create a list of actions that are safe and immediately available. For example:
- Leave the room where I am becoming overwhelmed.
- Put some distance between myself and anything I could use to hurt myself.
- Go somewhere where other people are present.
- Drink some water.
- Put on music.
- Walk outside.
- Call somebody.
- Sit somewhere safe.
- Take slow breaths.
- Delay making any major decision.
The objective is not necessarily to make yourself feel fantastic. The objective is to reduce the intensity enough to create another choice.
Make Your Environment Safer
This is one of the most important parts of a safety plan. When people are highly distressed, having immediate access to something dangerous can make an already difficult situation considerably more dangerous. Think beforehand about what you could safely change. For example:
- Put potentially harmful items somewhere less accessible.
- Ask someone you trust to hold onto certain items temporarily.
- Avoid being alone when you know you are particularly vulnerable.
- Move into a communal area of the house.
- Leave an environment where you are becoming increasingly distressed.
- Avoid alcohol or drugs during periods of crisis.
- Avoid driving when you are highly distressed or impulsive.
- Go somewhere safer and more public if being alone increases your risk.
You are not admitting weakness by doing this; you are changing the environment while your thinking is under pressure. A useful principle is to make the dangerous option harder and the safe option easier.
Know Your Safe Places
Where could you go if staying where you are became unsafe or psychologically overwhelming? Your safe place does not have to be somewhere dramatic. It might be a trusted friend’s house, a family member’s home, a library, a community centre, a place of worship, a café, a gym, a peer support group, a therapist’s office, a hospital, or another public place where you feel safe. The important thing is to decide this before the crisis. Write down:
- My first safe place:
- My second safe place:
- How I will get there:
- Who I can ask to come with me:
Do not choose somewhere simply because it sounds comforting; choose somewhere that is realistically accessible when you need it.
Decide Who You Can Contact
This can be difficult, particularly for men who have learned to deal with everything themselves. You might think “I don’t want to bother anyone,” “They have their own problems,” “I should be able to handle this,” or “I don’t want people to see me like this.” But asking for support is not the same as handing someone responsibility for your life. Sometimes you are simply asking another human being to sit beside you while you get through something difficult. You can make this easier by deciding what you want from them. For example:
- “I’m having a really difficult evening. I don’t need you to fix anything. Can you just stay on the phone with me?”
- “I’m struggling at the moment. Can we go for a walk?”
- “I’m not doing very well and I don’t want to be on my own right now.”
You don’t need to explain your entire history. Sometimes the most important sentence is simply: “I don’t think I should be alone right now.”
Create a Code Word
If speaking openly feels difficult, create a simple code word with someone you trust, such as “Red”. You might agree that if you text “Red”, they understand that you are struggling and need contact. You don’t have to explain everything. This can be particularly useful for people who find it difficult to say “I’m suicidal” or “I’m thinking about hurting myself.” The code word should have a clear meaning agreed upon beforehand:
- 🟢 Green: I’m okay.
- 🟠 Amber: I’m struggling and could use some contact.
- 🔴 Red: I’m in crisis and need you to help me stay safe.
The important thing is that the other person knows what each word means.
Challenge the Crisis Story
A crisis can create a very convincing story: “This will never end,” “Nobody cares,” “I have ruined everything,” or “There is no way forward.” The goal is not to argue with yourself or force yourself to think positively. Instead, create a few statements that remind you that your current emotional state is not the whole truth. For example:
- This feeling is intense, but feelings change.
- I don’t have to solve my whole life tonight.
- I can postpone any major decision.
- I have survived difficult periods before.
- I don’t need to act on this urge.
- I can ask somebody to stay with me.
- I can get professional help.
- The fact that I cannot see a solution right now does not mean that there isn’t one.
That last distinction is important: not seeing a way forward is not necessarily the same thing as there being no way forward.
Ask Yourself What You Would Say to a Mate
Imagine your closest friend sitting in front of you. He tells you: “I’ve completely fucked everything up. I’m useless. I can’t cope anymore.”
Would you respond: “You’re pathetic. Get over yourself.”? Probably not. You would probably sit with him, tell him that he has had a difficult time, remind him that one terrible period does not define his entire life, tell him to come over, make him something to eat, and tell him that tomorrow can be dealt with tomorrow.
So ask yourself: why do I sometimes give other people compassion that I refuse to give myself? Write down what you would say to your friend, and then put your own name at the top.
Know Your Professional Support
Your safety plan should not rely exclusively on friends and family. Write down the professionals you can contact. This might include:
- Your GP
- Your therapist
- Your mental health team
- A crisis service
- NHS 111 mental health support
- A local NHS urgent mental health service
- A trusted healthcare professional
- A substance misuse service (if alcohol or drugs are contributing to your crisis)
If you have previously worked with a mental health professional, ask them when you should contact them and what to do outside normal working hours. Do not wait until you are at your absolute worst before asking for help.
Create an Emergency Ladder
One useful way of organising your plan is to create different levels of response:
🟢 GREEN: I’m okay. I am functioning normally. I continue with sleep, exercise, food, social contact, work, hobbies, therapy, and the things that keep me emotionally well.
🟠 AMBER: I’m struggling. I notice my warning signs. I open my safety plan, contact someone I trust, reduce alcohol or drug use, get out of isolation, use my coping strategies, remove myself from stressful situations, and consider contacting my therapist, GP, or support service.
🔴 RED: I’m in crisis. My thoughts or urges feel difficult to control. I do not stay isolated; I move somewhere safer, put distance between myself and anything I could use to harm myself, tell somebody clearly that I am not safe, contact urgent professional support, and use emergency services if necessary.
EMERGENCY: I cannot keep myself safe. This is no longer a situation where I simply need to “try harder” with coping strategies, I need immediate help via 999 or A&E.
The purpose of this ladder is to stop you waiting until you are at level ten before you do something.
Write Down Your Reasons to Stay
This can feel uncomfortable, but it can also be powerful. Write down anything that connects you to tomorrow. It could be people you love, children, friends, family, a pet, places you still want to visit, things you still want to experience, a book you want to write, a qualification you want to complete, a relationship you want to repair, a goal you have not achieved, someone you want to make proud, or a future version of yourself you have not met yet.
These don’t have to be grand reasons. Sometimes the reason is simply: “I want to see what happens next.” You don’t have to feel hopeful for your future to keep the possibility of a future alive.
Delay Major Decisions
One of the most useful rules in a personal safety plan is: Do not make permanent decisions during temporary emotional states. When you are highly distressed, postpone major decisions about relationships, employment, money, housing, legal matters, family relationships, ending treatment, substance use, major purchases, moving house, sending an explosive message, or ending a relationship.
You can revisit the decision when your nervous system has settled. You are allowed to say: “I will decide tomorrow.” Sometimes postponement is not avoidance; sometimes it is protection.
Keep Your Plan Where You Can Actually Find It
A safety plan that exists somewhere you cannot access is not much use. Keep it in your phone, in your notes app, in your wallet, beside your bed, in your bag, or somewhere at work if appropriate. Consider having a short version on your phone and a longer version at home. Your emergency contacts should be immediately accessible, do not assume you will remember the numbers when you are distressed.
Your Personal Safety Plan
Now complete your own: My Warning Signs. I know I am starting to struggle when:
My Triggers: Things that can make things worse for me include:
My Coping Strategies
- Things that help me regulate: ______________________________
- Things that distract me: ______________________________
People I Can Contact
- Person 1: ______________________________
- Person 2: ______________________________
- Person 3: ______________________________
My Safe Places
- First: ______________________________
- Second: ______________________________
Environment & Support
- How I will make my environment safer: ______________________________
- GP: ______________________________
- Therapist: ______________________________
- Crisis Service: ______________________________
My Emergency Plan
If I believe I cannot keep myself safe, I will: ______________________________
What I Want to Remember
Your Safety Plan Is Not a Sign That You Are Weak
There is something important about creating a safety plan that is easy to misunderstand. You are not creating one because you are weak; you are creating one because you understand that there may be moments when your ability to think clearly is compromised.
We make contingency plans for almost everything else. We have fire exits in buildings, first aid kits, spare tyres, emergency contact numbers, file backups, home insurance, and umbrellas for when it rains. A safety plan applies the same principle to psychological wellbeing: prepare before the storm.
You may never need every part of your plan, but if the day comes when you do need it, you will be grateful that the decisions were already made. And perhaps the most important part of the entire plan is this: you do not have to solve your whole life during a crisis.
Your job is to get through the moment safely, then the next hour, then the night, then the morning. Once the intensity has reduced, you can begin working on the problem itself. Sometimes surviving the crisis is the first piece of therapy. And sometimes the most courageous thing a man can do is not to pretend that he can handle everything alone, but to say: “I’m struggling, and I need somebody with me.”