The Man Who Wants to Be Used: Understanding Humiliation, Submission, and Masochistic Fantasies Through Therapy

As is obvious from my website, I am a bisexual man as well as a psychotherapist. Somehow, that often gives many of my male clients permission to be deeply open about parts of themselves they have never spoken about before, especially their sex lives. At times, they say things they have barely even admitted to themselves.

One of the themes I have repeatedly observed in my work with men is how many of them fantasise about being dominated. They use phrases like, “Nothing turns me on more than eating you know what,” “I want her to use me,” “She can do whatever she wants to me, I do not care,” “Destroy me,” or “I want a woman who could ruin my life.” And many of them mean it.

I have worked with clients who identify as what are sometimes called “pay pigs,” men who become sexually aroused by financial domination or humiliation. Some want to be insulted, degraded, urinated on, controlled, or treated as submissive objects. To some people, this is disgusting or disturbing. To others, it is intensely exciting. What many of these men find surprising is what begins to emerge when we explore these fantasies from a psychological perspective.

You see, I tend to think developmentally and from a trauma-informed perspective. That means I look beyond behaviour itself and become curious about the emotional needs, wounds, fears, desires, and unconscious dynamics underneath it. Rather than asking, “What is wrong with this person?” I often ask, “What function might this fantasy be serving emotionally or psychologically?”

Sometimes these fantasies are connected to shame, power, vulnerability, attachment, stress, identity, or early experiences of control, rejection, or emotional neglect. Sometimes they are about surrender, escape, relief, or the desire to stop carrying pressure for a while. Sometimes the fantasy itself is less important than the emotional state the person enters during it.

This is why therapy is not only for people experiencing severe mental health conditions like schizophrenia or psychosis. Therapy can also be a space for exploration, curiosity, honesty, and self-understanding. It can be a place where someone begins to understand not only what they desire, but why certain desires hold such emotional weight and meaning in their life.

A man sits alone late at night scrolling through forums, reading confessions from strangers who sound strangely like him. One writes, “I only feel calm when I’m completely controlled.” Another says, “Being degraded makes me feel free from pressure.” Another admits, “I don’t even fully understand why humiliation turns me on, but it does.”

For many men, fantasies involving humiliation, submission, being “used,” slave play, urination fetishes, verbal degradation, or consensual physical domination are deeply confusing. Some feel ashamed. Others fear they are damaged, weak, broken, or secretly abusive. Some divide themselves into two identities: the successful professional in everyday life and the hidden sexual self they never speak about openly.

Therapy is not about shaming these men or forcing them to become “normal.” Good psychotherapy instead asks a deeper question: What psychological function does this fantasy serve?

Because sexual fantasies are rarely random. They often emerge from emotional patterns, nervous system conditioning, identity conflicts, attachment wounds, stress regulation, power dynamics, unconscious symbolism, or attempts to transform pain into pleasure and meaning.

Modern psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, psychosexual therapy, CBT, neuroscience, and Jungian thought all approach these fantasies differently. None fully explains every individual case. But together they offer a rich picture of why some men develop strong desires around humiliation, submission, degradation, or consensual masochistic play.

Importantly, there is a difference between consensual kink and disorder. The DSM only considers it a disorder when the fantasies cause significant distress, impairment, or non-consensual harm. (MSD Manuals)

Many people engage in BDSM or submission consensually without significant dysfunction. Therapy is therefore less concerned with moral judgment and more concerned with understanding meaning, compulsion, suffering, shame, and emotional need.

The Split Between the Public Man and the Private Man

Many submissive men describe living two psychological lives.

In public they may be competent, responsible, dominant, high functioning, emotionally restrained, logical, or successful. They carry pressure constantly. They manage work, money, relationships, status, performance, and expectations. Then privately they fantasise about surrendering control completely.

Psychosexual therapists often notice that for some men, submission creates temporary relief from performance pressure. The fantasy becomes psychologically important because it allows the man to stop managing himself for a moment.

One man in a discussion forum described it this way: “I spend all day being responsible. In those moments I don’t have to think anymore.”

Another wrote: “Being degraded feels peaceful because I stop trying to prove myself.”

These statements reveal something important. The fantasy may not only be about pain or humiliation. It may also be about relief, emotional release, surrender, regression, safety, permission to feel vulnerable, or escape from constant masculine performance.

Freud and the Meaning of Masochism

Sigmund Freud believed sexuality was deeply connected to unconscious conflict, childhood development, aggression, guilt, and forbidden desire. Freud argued that human sexuality is far more psychologically complicated than society admits.

In Freud’s later work on masochism, he suggested that some individuals unconsciously connect pleasure with suffering, punishment, or humiliation. (Pepsic)

Freud described several forms of masochism:

• Erotic masochism
• Moral masochism
• Feminine masochism

Moral masochism is especially important clinically. Freud believed some people unconsciously seek punishment because of guilt, shame, or harsh internal criticism. The person may feel they deserve humiliation or suffering, even if they are not consciously aware of this belief.

In therapy, this can emerge in men who grew up feeling:

• Never good enough
• Emotionally rejected
• Constantly criticised
• Ashamed of vulnerability
• Burdened by impossible expectations

The humiliation fantasy then becomes psychologically symbolic. The fantasy externalises what already exists internally.

A man who secretly believes “I am worthless” may become sexually aroused by scenarios that dramatise worthlessness. Not because he literally wants destruction, but because the fantasy gives emotional shape to feelings already living inside him.

Freud also believed masochistic fantasies could transform passive childhood helplessness into active adult control. In real childhood pain, the child had no power. In consensual adult submission, the person controls the scene, the timing, the boundaries, and the meaning.

This distinction matters enormously in therapy.

Jung and the Shadow

Carl Jung approached sexuality differently. Jung believed human beings repress parts of themselves that conflict with their identity. These rejected parts form what he called the shadow.

For some men, submission fantasies may represent disowned psychological qualities:

• Dependency
• Softness
• Emotional surrender
• Vulnerability
• Passivity
• Receptivity
• Neediness

A man raised to believe masculinity means dominance, control, stoicism, and invulnerability may exile vulnerable parts of himself into the unconscious. The sexual fantasy then becomes one of the few places these hidden parts are allowed expression.

Jungian therapists might ask:

• What part of yourself only exists during these fantasies?
• Who are you allowed to become there?
• What emotional state are you seeking?
• What forbidden identity is being expressed?

Some Jungian thinkers see humiliation fantasies as symbolic reversals of the ego. The successful controlled man temporarily collapses into surrender. The rigid self dissolves.

Interestingly, many submissive men report that their fantasies intensify during periods of high stress, emotional suppression, burnout, loneliness, or identity conflict.

This suggests the fantasy sometimes functions as a psychological balancing mechanism.

Neuroscience and Conditioning

Neuroscience looks less at symbolism and more at learning, arousal pathways, dopamine, stress systems, and conditioning.

Sexual arousal is highly associative. The brain links emotional intensity with pleasure surprisingly easily, especially during adolescence when the sexual system is developing.

If humiliation, fear, anxiety, secrecy, pain, taboo, or shame become repeatedly paired with arousal, the brain can wire these experiences together over time.

Research on BDSM suggests that for some individuals:

• Power exchange increases emotional intensity
• Anticipation heightens dopamine release
• Fear and excitement become neurologically linked
• Stress hormones amplify arousal
• Ritual and submission create altered states of consciousness (Springer)

This helps explain why some men describe submission as emotionally addictive or trance-like.

One participant in an online discussion wrote: “It feels like my brain switches off.”

Another said: “I feel more emotionally present during humiliation than during normal sex.”

Neuroscience also suggests the role of reinforcement. If a man repeatedly masturbates to certain themes over years, the neural pathway becomes stronger. The fantasy becomes increasingly dominant because the brain has rehearsed it repeatedly. This does not mean the fantasy is fake or meaningless. But it does mean that sexuality can become neurologically narrowed over time. Psychosexual therapy sometimes helps men explore whether their sexual system has become rigid, compulsive, shame-based, or dependent on increasingly extreme stimulation.

CBT and Core Beliefs

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tends to focus less on unconscious symbolism and more on learned beliefs, emotional triggers, behavioural patterns, and automatic thoughts.

CBT therapists might explore:

• What emotional state precedes the fantasy?
• What thoughts appear during arousal?
• What belief about self is being reinforced?
• What emotional need is being met?

For example, a man with deep beliefs such as:

• “I am weak”
• “Women will eventually humiliate me”
• “I only deserve love if I suffer”
• “My needs do not matter”
• “I am sexually inadequate”

May unconsciously eroticise these beliefs. This does not mean the fantasy caused the belief. Often the fantasy becomes attached to an already existing emotional structure. Some therapists notice that men with humiliation fetishes often carry intense self-criticism outside sexuality. The sexual fantasy becomes a concentrated emotional theatre where shame, fear, desire, punishment, and relief all combine.

CBT may help the man:

• Separate fantasy from identity
• Reduce compulsive behaviours
• Explore emotional triggers
• Challenge destructive self-beliefs
• Build healthier emotional regulation
• Reduce shame and secrecy

Importantly, therapy does not necessarily aim to eliminate consensual fantasies. Sometimes the goal is simply helping the man understand himself more clearly and reducing distress or compulsivity. (Counselling Collective)

Trauma and Repetition

Not every submissive or masochistic man has trauma. This is extremely important. Many people with BDSM interests had stable childhoods and psychologically healthy development. However, some therapists notice recurring themes among certain clients:

• Emotional humiliation
• Bullying
• Rejection
• Harsh parenting
• Emotional neglect
• Chaotic attachment
• Exposure to domination or fear
• Feeling powerless growing up

Some psychoanalytic theories suggest the mind sometimes repeats emotionally painful dynamics in an attempt to gain mastery over them. (ResearchGate)

The fantasy then becomes psychologically paradoxical: “I choose now what once overwhelmed me.”

A man who once felt helpless may feel powerful by consciously entering helplessness on his own terms. This is one reason therapy must avoid simplistic conclusions. Human sexuality is layered, symbolic, defensive, emotional, biological, relational, and deeply personal.

Why Humiliation Can Feel Intimate

One of the least understood aspects of degradation fantasies is that many men experience humiliation as emotionally intimate rather than purely sexual. To outsiders this seems contradictory. But psychologically, humiliation scenes often involve:

• Intense attention
• Emotional exposure
• Vulnerability
• Trust
• Dependency
• Confession
• Surrender
• Emotional nakedness

For men who struggle emotionally, the scene may become one of the few places where they feel seen completely. Some men describe feeling emotionally connected during degradation in ways they cannot achieve in ordinary life. This creates a difficult therapeutic question: Is the person addicted to humiliation itself, or addicted to finally feeling emotionally held, exposed, and psychologically visible?

The Danger of Shame

Many men become trapped not by the fantasy itself but by secrecy and shame. They begin to think:

• “No woman could love the real me.”
• “I must be mentally ill.”
• “I’m weak.”
• “I’m disgusting.”
• “Something is wrong with my masculinity.”

Shame increases isolation. Isolation intensifies fantasy. Fantasy then becomes the only emotional refuge. The cycle strengthens. Therapy can interrupt this cycle by helping the man think rather than simply react. A good therapist does not immediately label or condemn. Instead they become curious:

• What emotional role does this fantasy play?
• What feelings appear before and after?
• Is the fantasy consensual and safe?
• Is it compulsive?
• Does it connect to self-hatred?
• Does it interfere with intimacy?
• Does it reduce emotional growth?
• Does it function as avoidance?

These questions matter far more clinically than whether the fantasy itself is unusual.

Integration Rather Than Erasure

Many men enter therapy hoping to become completely “normal.” But therapy often moves in a different direction. The goal is usually integration rather than erasure. Integration means:

• understanding the fantasy
• reducing shame
• understanding emotional needs
• separating consensual desire from self-hatred
• improving relationships
• exploring attachment
• reducing compulsive behaviour
• developing emotional language
• creating a fuller sense of self

Sometimes the fantasy changes over time. Sometimes it softens. Sometimes it becomes less compulsive. Sometimes the man realises the fantasy was carrying unresolved emotional pain. Sometimes he discovers it is simply one aspect of his sexuality rather than his entire identity.

Psychoanalysis repeatedly emphasises that sexuality is never just about the act itself. Human beings attach memory, fear, power, shame, longing, identity, and unconscious meaning to erotic life. (ResearchGate) Therapy therefore becomes less about asking:
“What is wrong with this man?” and more about asking: “What story is this fantasy trying to tell about his emotional life?”

Male Minds Counselling – Therapy for Men, Sexuality, Shame, Kink, and Identity in Reading

At Male Minds Counselling, I work with men across Reading and the surrounding areas, including Woodley, Earley, Sonning, Pangbourne, Henley-on-Thames, Shinfield, Mortimer and across the UK online.

I offer therapy for men struggling with shame, sexual identity, compulsive sexual behaviour, humiliation fantasies, BDSM and kink exploration, submission and domination dynamics, pornography use, relationship difficulties, masculinity, trauma, anxiety, depression, loneliness, attachment issues, and questions around intimacy and emotional vulnerability.

As a bisexual male psychotherapist, I understand how difficult it can be for men to speak openly about fantasies, sexuality, power, shame, or emotional conflict without fear of judgment. Therapy can offer a confidential and psychologically informed space to explore these experiences safely and honestly.

I welcome clients from LGBTQ+ communities, including gay, bisexual, queer, questioning, kink-aware, BDSM, fetish, and non-traditional relationship communities. My work is affirming, trauma-informed, psychodynamic, relational, and focused on helping men understand themselves more deeply rather than simply pathologising behaviour.

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