A question that often brings men to counselling across Reading, even if they have never thought about therapy before, is a simple one: why don’t I want sex like I used to? Sometimes, this question feels even scarier, like wondering if it means you no longer love your partner or if something is wrong with you. Many men remember the early days of a relationship when sexual attraction felt easy, they looked forward to seeing their partner, thought about sex often, and physical contact was exciting. A kiss could spark anticipation, and a night together felt spontaneous and full of emotion. But after a few years, things can change. The relationship might still be full of love, affection, friendship, loyalty, and commitment. You may have built a home, had children, grown your careers, and gotten through tough times together. Still, sex might become less frequent, more predictable, or feel unequal, or physical affection might fade. For some men, this is confusing. They might see a drop in desire as proof they have fallen out of love, start to wonder if they are attracted to someone else, question their masculinity, worry about erectile issues or low testosterone, or just feel frustrated with their partner, especially if they feel rejected often.
But sexual desire is much more complex than just attraction plus opportunity leading to sex. This is where research by Kristen P. Mark and Julie A. Lasslo is helpful. In 2018, they reviewed 64 studies about sexual desire in long-term relationships. They found that desire naturally goes up and down for both individuals and couples, and is shaped by many factors, including personal, relationship, and social influences. This is important for men to know, because a change in desire does not mean you or your relationship are broken, or that you have stopped loving your partner. Instead, your sexual desire might be reflecting what is happening in your life.
Many men have learned, directly or indirectly, that male sexuality should always be steady. You might feel you are supposed to want sex, start it, be ready, get aroused quickly, and perform well. If you do not want sex, you might think something is wrong. This belief can be harmful because it makes sexuality a test of masculinity. So, when desire drops, a man might feel both the change and shame about it, wondering why he does not want sex, why he cannot get aroused, why he is saying no to his partner, and what that says about him. However, Mark and Lasslo’s review shows that desire is not always stable. They point out that sexual desire changes over time and that both low and high desire can be made into problems when they do not need to be. It is important to see the difference between thinking you have no desire and believing something is wrong with you, and realising your desire has changed and asking what has changed in your life. The second approach is much more helpful.
Another common mistake is comparing your current sexuality to how it was when you were younger. You might remember wanting sex more often in your twenties and think something is wrong because your desire is not the same now. But your life is different now. You may have a new job, more responsibilities, children, a mortgage, money worries, relationship challenges, less sleep, more stress, different expectations, changes in fitness, or new experiences with your body. You might also have gone through loss, job changes, divorce, fatherhood, illness, depression, anxiety, or long-term stress. Your mind, your relationship, and you as a person have changed. So, expecting your sexuality to stay the same does not make sense. Instead of asking why you are not the same as you were ten years ago, it is more helpful to ask what your sexual desire looks like in your life today.
A helpful way to understand long-term sexuality is to know the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is what many people think of first, it is when the feeling of wanting sex comes up on its own and motivates you to act. Responsive desire is different. Instead of desire coming first, it can develop after intimacy, touch, affection, or being in a sexual situation. This is important in long-term relationships because a man might think that if he does not already feel desire, there is no point in starting anything. But sometimes, the order is different: connection can lead to touch, affection, arousal, and then desire. This does not mean you should have sex when you do not want to. Responsive desire is not about ignoring consent. Instead, it is about seeing that desire can sometimes grow from closeness, not just appear out of nowhere. This can help couples shift from asking why their partner never wants sex to asking what helps them feel close and open to intimacy.
Think about what happens when life feels overwhelming. Your boss is demanding, money is tight, the kids need you, you are not sleeping well, your relationship feels tense, and you are carrying a lot of responsibility. You are always checking your phone, thinking about work even at home, and you are exhausted. Then your partner asks if you want to have sex. Some men see their lack of interest as a sign they are not attracted to their partner anymore, but often the reason is much simpler: you are just tired. Mark and Lasslo’s review points out that stress is one of the factors that affects sexual desire, along with attraction, hormones, and self-esteem. Sometimes, low desire is not about attraction but about having no energy left. It is hard to enjoy sex when you are worried about bills, thinking about arguments, or running on little sleep for months. The issue may not be about your partner, but that your mind and body have been under stress for a long time.
There is also something psychologically important about familiarity, because at the beginning of a relationship almost everything is new as you do not completely know the other person, you are discovering their body, personality, sexual preferences, habits, stories, reactions, touch, uncertainty, anticipation, discovery, and novelty. Over time, that uncertainty naturally decreases as you know each other’s routines, what happFamiliarity also plays a big role in relationships. At the start, everything is new—you are getting to know your partner’s body, personality, preferences, habits, stories, and reactions. There is a lot of uncertainty, anticipation, and discovery. Over time, this uncertainty fades as you learn each other’s routines, know what to expect, and have seen each other at your best and worst. This familiarity brings security, which is valuable, but security and novelty are not the same. Someone can become very important to you emotionally while also feeling less new. This does not mean attraction is lost, but it does mean that long-term relationships need couples to understand that intimacy and eroticism sometimes work differently. You can love someone deeply and still need to make an effort to create excitement, playfulness, novelty, and erotic connection, so you stay emotionally secure without becoming too predictable. relationships primarily through responsibility and provision, thinking that working hard, providing, protecting the family, and doing what needs to be done are enough, when in reality being a good partner is not identical to being an efficient household manager. A couple can become an excellent team while gradually losing their erotic relationship, functioning beautifully as parents while barely functioning as lovers, and discussing school uniforms, mortgage payments, and shopping lists while rarely discussing desire, which does not mean domestic responsibility causes low desire in every couple, but rather that relationship functioning and erotic functioning are related but not identical.
Sexuality is not separate from the rest of your life. Mark and Lasslo’s review found that things like relationship satisfaction, communication, and emotional closeness matter a lot. This helps explain why a man might feel confused if he loves his partner but does not want to have sex with her. Instead of judging this feeling, it helps to look at what loving her means—like affection, loyalty, friendship, commitment, family, safety, gratitude, or emotional connection. It is also important to look at what not wanting sex means—maybe you are tired, resentful, disconnected, bored, anxious, depressed, feeling criticised, unwanted, pressured, ashamed about your body, having sexual difficulties, taking medication, drinking too much, or using pornography in a way that changes your expectations. Counselling should go beyond just asking how often you have sex. It should ask how connected you feel, how safe you feel talking about sex, whether you feel wanted or appreciated, if you feel criticised or pressured, and what happens when one of you says no. These questions help reveal what is really going on in the relationship.
Another key issue in long-term relationships is desire discrepancy, when one partner wants sex more often than the other. Mark and Lasslo point out that this is normal because everyone’s desire changes over time. The real challenge is not the difference itself, but how couples handle it. For example, if a man wants sex more often and his partner says no, he might feel rejected and stop trying for a while. His partner might notice this and feel unwanted, then feel pressure to prove she still loves him. He might sense her reluctance and feel even more insecure, while she feels his insecurity as pressure and pulls away more. He then sees her withdrawal as more rejection, and the cycle continues. No one means to hurt the other, but both can end up feeling unwanted. This is why sexual problems can quickly become relationship problems.
One harmful belief is thinking that if your partner wants sex, she loves you, or if she does not want sex, she does not love you. Sexual desire is not a reliable way to measure love. Someone can love you and not want sex tonight, want sex without feeling close, have high desire during conflict, or have low desire while being very committed. Human sexuality is more complex than a simple test of the relationship. Sexual incompatibility can matter a lot, but couples should avoid making every change in sexual frequency a judgment on the whole relationship. At the same time, do not ignore how painful repeated sexual rejection can feel. Some men say it is only sex, but rejection can touch deep feelings about being attractive, wanted, or good enough, especially if there is already shame or insecurity. Anger may show on the surface, but underneath there can be hurt, fear, and shame. This is why sexual problems sometimes turn into arguments instead of honest conversations. It helps to turn accusations like never wanting sex into the real fear of not being wanted anymore.
There is a tricky paradox here: the more one partner tries to create desire in the other, the harder it can be for desire to happen. If every kiss feels like a request for sex, then affection can start to feel threatening. A hug is no longer just a hug, a massage feels like a negotiation, and getting into bed feels like pressure. The partner with less desire might start avoiding affection because they worry it will lead to sex, so both people lose out, the higher-desire partner misses affection, and the lower-desire partner loses the freedom to enjoy closeness without feeling obligated. Healthy sexual intimacy needs space for saying no. Consent must always be freely given, and a partner should be able to say no without fear of punishment, sulking, or retaliation. The other partner should be able to express disappointment without turning it into pressure. This is a basic but important point.
Another helpful idea from this research is sexual communal strength. This means partners can choose to care about each other’s sexual needs and wellbeing in a kind way. It does not mean you owe your partner sex, should have sex without wanting to, or that one person’s desire is more important than the other’s boundaries. Instead, it encourages couples to see sexual wellbeing as something to care about together. So, if one partner has low desire, instead of saying you never want me, the conversation can be about missing closeness and asking how to reconnect. The partner with less desire might say they do not want sex tonight but still want to cuddle, talk, or spend time together. This creates space for intimacy without making every kind of closeness feel like a sexual obligation.
When men hear that novelty matters for desire, they might think it means needing a new partner. But novelty does not have to mean someone new. It can mean doing things differently, going somewhere new together, changing routines, making time without kids, talking about fantasies, dressing up, going on dates, traveling, trying new activities, being playful, or seeing your partner in a new light. It is also about remembering that your partner is not just your co-parent or housemate, but a unique person with their own inner world. Many men treat sex like a test, worrying about performance, how long it lasts, if their partner enjoyed it, how often it happens, or how they compare to others. This can turn sex into work and make anxiety a barrier. Improving your sex life may mean focusing less on performance and more on being present with your partner. Sex is not a competition—there are no medals or scores—just two people trying to connect emotionally and physically.
It is important not to assume every problem is just psychological. A big or lasting change in sexual desire can have many causes, like stress, relationship issues, mood, medication, alcohol or drug use, sleep problems, physical health, hormonal changes, or other medical reasons. If the change is sudden, severe, lasts a long time, or comes with other symptoms, it is wise to talk to a doctor or healthcare professional. Counselling can help with emotional and relationship issues, but it should not be used to ignore possible physical or medical problems. This is especially important for men, since embarrassment can make it hard to ask for help, leading to months of worry instead of getting answers.
If your sexual desire has changed, try not to jump to asking what is wrong with you. Instead, ask what has changed in your life—your relationship, stress, sleep, emotional connection, feeling wanted or appreciated, unspoken resentment, avoiding tough conversations, feeling numb, depression, anxiety, physical health, medications, alcohol or drug use, or if sex now feels linked to pressure or conflict. Also consider if you have stopped making time for intimacy or expect your relationship to feel like it did at the start. These questions help you understand what is happening, because you need to understand something before you can change it. Mark and Lasslo remind us that we often take care of everything except the relationship itself—servicing the car, maintaining the house, renewing insurance, taking kids to appointments, managing money, and working, but expect sexual intimacy to just keep going. Keeping intimacy alive needs attention, not pressure or entitlement. Pay attention to your partner, yourself, stress, resentment, affection, and what makes each of you feel wanted or pull away. Talk about sex before it becomes a crisis.
For men, this might mean being emotionally honest. It is often easier to talk about whether you are having sex than to talk about what sex means to you, like not feeling attractive, missing feeling wanted, being afraid your partner does not love you anymore, feeling lonely or rejected, feeling ashamed about not wanting sex, or being scared you cannot perform. Counselling can help not just with having more sex, but with understanding what sexuality means to you. It can help move the focus from not having enough sex to deeper issues, like not feeling wanted, not knowing how to ask for affection, holding onto unspoken resentment, forgetting how to be vulnerable, or tying your whole identity to work, money, and responsibility.
The main takeaway from Mark and Lasslo’s work is not that men should try to keep desire high all the time, that is not realistic. Instead, sexual desire changes and is shaped by many factors. It is better to see desire as something that shifts with personal, relationship, and social influences. A long-term relationship should not be judged by whether desire feels the same as it did at the start, but by whether the couple can adapt—by talking, negotiating, accepting differences, keeping affection alive without making it always about sex, creating novelty, managing stress, working through resentment, staying curious about each other, seeing each other as sexual people (not just parents or housemates), and talking about sex without shame.
If you are reading this as a man, remember that your sexuality is not a test you have to pass. You are not less of a man if your desire changes. You are not failing if your relationship does not feel the same as it did at the start, and your partner’s changing desire does not mean you are not worthy. Sexual desire is a living part of being human, shaped by your body, mind, relationship, and life circumstances. Sometimes the reason for change is medical, psychological, about the relationship, stress, unresolved resentment, or simply that both people have changed. The most important thing is to stop asking how to get your old sex life back and start asking what kind of intimate relationship you want to build now. Focus less on the past and performance, and more on creating real intimacy.