Here is a question for you. When did you decide that you were gay? When did you decide that you were bisexual? When did you decide that you were pansexual, queer, or demisexual? And perhaps even more structurally: when did you decide that you were a top? When did you decide that you were a bottom? When did you decide that you were versatile? When did you decide that you were a side? When did you decide that this was the role you were supposed to occupy in your relationships?
Now, before anybody misunderstands what I am saying, I am not suggesting that being gay, bisexual, pansexual, queer, demisexual, a top, a bottom, versatile, or a side is inherently unhealthy. It isn’t. Nor am I suggesting that everybody needs to become sexually versatile, change their identity, or abandon labels altogether.
What I am interested in is something slightly different: how much of what we believe about ourselves have we actually examined? Because there is a profound difference between choosing something consciously and inheriting a script. And I think that is a conversation the queer community needs to have more openly.
Did You Choose It, or Did You Inherit the Script?
Most of us inherit an extraordinary amount of information about relationships without ever consciously agreeing to it. We inherit ideas about:
- What a man should be and what a woman should be.
- What a husband should do and what a wife should do.
- Who should provide and who should nurture.
- Who should initiate sex and who should be emotionally vulnerable.
- Who should take control and who should surrender control.
- Who should earn more, cook, clean, make decisions, or apologize first.
- Who should chase and who should be pursued.
Most heterosexual people are exposed to these scripts from childhood—seeing them in their parents, television, religion, school, advertising, extended families, and friendships. They absorb them before they are old enough to realize they are learning them.
Queer people grow up within the exact same society. Being queer does not automatically remove all of those scripts. You can reject heterosexuality and still inherit heterosexual assumptions about relationships; you can reject traditional masculinity and still reproduce parts of it; you can reject patriarchy intellectually and still unconsciously reproduce the power dynamics that you were taught as a child. That is where the idea of deconstruction becomes vital.
Queer Does Not Automatically Mean Liberated
One of the assumptions we need to challenge is the idea that being LGBTQ+ automatically makes somebody progressive, emotionally intelligent, politically conscious, or liberated. It doesn’t.
- A person can be gay and misogynistic.
- A person can be bisexual and biphobic.
- A person can be queer and deeply judgmental.
- A person can be trans and hold rigid beliefs about gender.
- A person can be sexually liberated and emotionally avoidant.
- A person can be politically progressive and still be controlling in their intimate relationships.
- A person can campaign publicly for equality while behaving terribly toward their partner privately.
Sexual identity does not automatically produce psychological awareness, and neither does marginalization automatically produce wisdom. Sometimes we romanticize the idea that because somebody has experienced oppression, they must therefore understand oppression. But human beings are more complicated than that: someone can experience discrimination in one part of their identity while reproducing prejudice toward somebody else. That is not unique to queer people; it is a feature of being human.
The Bedroom Is Not the Whole Relationship
This becomes particularly interesting when we talk about sexual roles. The language of top, bottom, versatile, and side can be useful for communicating preferences and finding compatible partners. But a sexual preference does not have to become a complete psychological identity.
- Being a bottom does not mean you are submissive in every area of your life.
- Being a top does not mean you are dominant in every area of your life.
- Being versatile does not mean you have to alternate according to some mathematical schedule.
- Being a side does not mean something is missing from your sexuality.
The danger comes when a sexual preference becomes a psychological script. A man might say, “I’m a bottom,” but what does he mean? Does he simply mean that he prefers a particular sexual activity, or has the label gradually become associated with an entire identity? Does he believe he is supposed to be less assertive? Does he associate vulnerability with surrendering control? Does he assume his partner should make decisions, feel uncomfortable initiating, find it difficult to establish boundaries, or struggle to say no?
Or perhaps the opposite: a man might identify strongly as a top because being in control feels safe. Maybe he genuinely prefers that sexual role—that’s completely legitimate—but perhaps control has also become psychologically necessary for him. Perhaps vulnerability makes him uncomfortable, receiving care feels threatening, or intimacy becomes easier only when he is the person directing the situation.
These are not questions about whether someone is “really” a top or bottom; they are questions about the relationship between sexual preference and psychological meaning. That is where therapy can become genuinely useful.
Vulnerability Is Not the Same as Powerlessness
This is particularly important for men. There are parts of intimacy where surrendering control can be deeply pleasurable and emotionally meaningful. But a healthy relationship requires something different from permanent submission: it requires negotiation, communication, boundaries, assertiveness, reciprocity, and consent. It requires the capacity to say yes, the capacity to say no, the capacity to change your mind, the capacity to tolerate your partner being disappointed, and the capacity to tolerate disappointing your partner.
You can be submissive in one context and extremely assertive in another. You can want to be cared for sexually and still be highly autonomous professionally. You can enjoy your partner taking control in bed and still insist on having an equal voice when deciding where you live, how you spend money, or whether you want children. These things are not contradictions; they are examples of being psychologically differentiated. The problem begins when we confuse a sexual role with a complete relational role.
We Need to Talk More Openly About Coercion
There is another conversation that needs to happen within queer relationships: coercion, control, manipulation, emotional abuse, financial abuse, isolation, jealousy, monitoring, threats, and sexual pressure. These things can and do happen in LGBTQ+ relationships, and sometimes people struggle to recognize them precisely because they do not fit the heterosexual template they have been taught to associate with abuse.
A man might think: “He’s another man. How can this be domestic abuse?” or “We’re both men, so we’re equal.” But equality of gender does not automatically create equality of power. Two people can be the same gender and have radically different amounts of money, social power, emotional power, physical power, confidence, immigration status, professional status, or psychological influence. Abuse is about behavior and power, not simply gender. If we genuinely care about queer wellbeing, we need to be able to talk about this without becoming defensive.
The Open Relationship Question
Consensual non-monogamy is another area where deconstruction becomes important. Some queer men have consensually open relationships, and that is not inherently evidence of relationship failure—for many couples, it is a deliberate relational structure that works exceptionally well.
However, there is a crucial distinction between:
- “We have consciously chosen this relationship structure together.”
- “We have never examined our relationship, but we have reached the point where one or both of us are looking outside it because something isn’t working.”
If you want an open relationship, ask yourself why. Is it genuinely compatible with your values? Have you and your partner negotiated it freely? Can both of you say no? Are there clear boundaries? Can you discuss jealousy? Can you tolerate your partner having experiences that you do not control? Can you remain emotionally connected? Or is sex outside the relationship being used to avoid an uncomfortable conversation inside it? These are therapeutic questions rather than moral judgments, and they matter.
Queer People Need Community, Not Just Partners
As queer men grow older, isolation becomes an increasingly critical issue. Some men build an extraordinary career: they make money, become successful, independent, create businesses, travel, stay physically fit, become professionally respected, and financially secure. Yet their social world becomes extraordinarily narrow: Work. Gym. Dating apps. Sex. Home. Repeat.
Perhaps they have one or two close friends; perhaps their relationship becomes their entire emotional world; perhaps they become estranged from their family, or have never developed a strong friendship network with no community outside their partner.
Then something happens: the relationship ends, they become ill, lose their job, reach retirement, their parents die, or they simply grow older. Suddenly they discover that independence and isolation were not the same thing. You cannot outsource an entire support system to one romantic relationship. A partner cannot be your lover, best friend, therapist, financial adviser, social worker, emergency contact, family, and entire community simultaneously.
Human beings need networks. We need friendship, community, people who know us, people who can challenge us, people who can help us, and people we can help.
Who Is Going to Look After You When You Are Older?
This is a question queer men need to take seriously, not because queer people are destined to be lonely, but because traditional family structures have historically provided built-in systems of support. You grow up, marry, have children, grandchildren, siblings, cousins, family gatherings, and relationships across generations.
Not everybody has this, and while queer people can build extraordinarily rich chosen families and communities of their own, we cannot pretend that social isolation disappears simply because somebody claims a sexual identity. If you are thirty-five today and most of your relationships revolve around work, dating, and sex, what happens when you are sixty-five?
- Who are you going to call?
- Who knows your medical history?
- Who has a key to your house?
- Who will take you to the hospital?
- Who will notice when you disappear?
- Who will sit with you when your partner dies?
- Who will celebrate your birthday?
- Who will challenge you when you are becoming bitter?
- Who will tell you the truth?
- Who will you care for, and who will care for you?
These are not pessimistic questions; they are adult questions.
We Need to Pass Knowledge Between Generations
There is an enormous educational gap that is rarely addressed. Many young men—queer and heterosexual alike—are not being taught how adult life actually works. Nobody sits them down and explains pensions, investing, mortgages, insurance, tax, wills, inheritance, multiple sources of income, financial planning, healthy relationships, conflict resolution, emotional regulation, sexual health, boundaries, caregiving, aging, and community building.
Sometimes parents, grandparents, older siblings, or religious and cultural communities provide this knowledge. But some queer young men grow up in families where their sexuality becomes the central problem. The conversation becomes: “Are you gay? Who are you dating? Are you sure? Why can’t you just be normal?” Nobody ever gets around to saying:
- “Come here. Let me teach you how money works.”
- “Let me show you how to buy a house.”
- “Let me explain pensions.”
- “Let me teach you about relationships.”
- “Let me tell you what I learned about marriage.”
- “Let me explain how to build a life.”
That is a profound loss, and it is one reason why intergenerational community matters. We need older queer men to teach younger queer men, not how to be queer, but how to live.
Deconstruction Is Not Self-Rejection
This is the most important distinction of all: deconstruction does not mean deciding that everything you have chosen is wrong. It does not mean abandoning your sexuality, your identity, or becoming heterosexual, monogamous, non-monogamous, a top, a bottom, or versatile. It does not mean rejecting labels.
It simply means asking: “Why?”
- Why do I want this?
- Why do I believe this?
- Where did I learn this, and who taught me?
- Does this belief still serve me?
- Is this genuinely my value, or did I inherit it?
- What happens when somebody challenges it?
- Can I tolerate uncertainty?
- Can I change my mind?
- Can I have a different opinion from my community?
- Can I disagree with other queer people without seeing them as enemies?
- Can I love somebody who lives differently from me?
- Can I establish boundaries without becoming controlling?
- Can I surrender control without becoming powerless?
- Can I be vulnerable without becoming dependent?
- Can I be independent without becoming isolated?
- Can I build a life that is bigger than my sexuality?
These are much more meaningful questions than simply asking someone what label they use. The goal is not to become less queer; the goal is to become more conscious, more psychologically aware, more relationally capable, more financially literate, more connected, and more capable of intimacy, boundaries, and community. It is about questioning the invisible rules that govern our lives.
That is what I mean by deconstructing queerdom: not dismantling queer identity or telling queer people who they should become, but examining the invisible scripts that exist even inside communities created by people who rejected somebody else’s scripts. Being different from the mainstream does not automatically make us free from inherited ideas. We all inherit something, the work is discovering what we inherited, and then deciding, consciously, what we actually want to keep.
LGBTQ+ and Queer Men’s Counselling in Reading and Berkshire
If you are a gay, bisexual, queer or questioning man in Reading, Berkshire, Wokingham, Woodley, Earley, Caversham, Tilehurst or the surrounding areas, and you are questioning some of the assumptions you have inherited about relationships, masculinity, sexuality, intimacy or identity, therapy can provide a confidential space to explore those questions without judgement.
At Male Minds Counselling, I work with men who may be struggling with sexual identity, relationship difficulties, intimacy, loneliness, shame, anxiety, self-worth, masculinity, trust, emotional vulnerability, boundaries and questions about how they want to live their lives.
You do not need to have a crisis to come to therapy. You may simply have reached a point where you want to understand yourself more deeply.
Perhaps you are questioning your sexuality. Perhaps you identify as gay or bisexual but feel that your sexual identity has become complicated by expectations about masculinity, relationships or sex. Perhaps you are struggling with intimacy or finding it difficult to trust another man. Perhaps you are questioning whether your relationship structure genuinely reflects what you want. Perhaps you are struggling with the expectations associated with being a top, bottom, versatile or side. Or perhaps you simply want to understand where your ideas about relationships came from.
Therapy is not about telling you what your sexuality should be, what relationship structure you should have, whether you should come out, or how you should identify.
Instead, counselling can provide space to ask:
“What do I actually want?”
“What have I inherited?”
“What am I doing because it genuinely reflects my values?”
“What am I doing because I am afraid of being rejected?”
“What does intimacy mean to me?”
“Can I be vulnerable without feeling powerless?”
“Can I maintain my independence without becoming isolated?”
“What kind of relationships do I actually want to build?”
LGBTQ+ Counselling for Men in Reading
Male Minds Counselling offers a confidential therapeutic space for gay, bisexual, queer and questioning men, including men exploring:
- Sexual identity and questioning
- Coming out and the decision whether to come out
- Internalised homophobia and shame
- Bisexual identity and biphobia
- Masculinity and sexuality
- Gay men’s relationships
- Intimacy and emotional vulnerability
- Dating and relationship difficulties
- Trust and attachment
- Sexual confidence
- Sexual roles and identity
- Boundaries and consent
- Relationship conflict
- Open relationships and consensual non-monogamy
- Loneliness and isolation
- Chosen family and community
- Religious or cultural conflict around sexuality
- Family rejection
- Self-esteem and self-worth
- Anxiety and depression
- Difficulties forming friendships with other men
- Life transitions and identity development
Being LGBTQ+ does not mean you have to have a particular kind of relationship, adopt a particular identity, or live according to somebody else’s idea of what queer life should look like.
Therapy can simply give you somewhere to slow down and examine the assumptions, expectations and experiences that have shaped you.
Gay and Bisexual Men’s Therapy in Berkshire
For some men, sexuality is only one part of a much larger psychological picture. Questions about sexuality can intersect with masculinity, religion, culture, family, relationships, childhood experiences, attachment, shame and belonging.
You may be successful professionally but lonely personally. You may have built a strong career while struggling to build lasting friendships. You may have a partner but still feel emotionally isolated. You may have a large social network but nobody you feel able to tell the truth to.
These are issues worth exploring.
Therapy does not have to produce a predetermined answer. It can help you develop a clearer understanding of yourself and make decisions that are more consciously connected to your own values rather than simply following scripts you inherited from family, culture, religion, society or previous relationships.
If you are looking for LGBTQ+ counselling in Reading, gay men’s therapy in Reading, bisexual men’s counselling in Berkshire, or a therapist who understands the relationship between masculinity, sexuality and emotional wellbeing, Male Minds Counselling provides online and in-person therapy for boys and men.
You do not have to arrive with everything figured out.
You can simply arrive with:
“I don’t know what I actually want.”
“I don’t know whether this relationship is right for me.”
“I struggle to let other men get close to me.”
“I feel lonely even though I have people around me.”
“I don’t know whether this is genuinely what I want or something I have learned.”
“I want to understand myself better.”
That is enough to begin.
- LGBTQ counselling Reading
- gay men’s counselling Reading
- bisexual men’s counselling Reading
- LGBTQ therapy Reading
- gay therapist Reading
- LGBT therapist Reading
- counselling for gay men
- therapy for bisexual men
- LGBTQ therapy Berkshire
- gay men’s therapy Berkshire
- queer counselling Reading
- sexuality counselling Reading
- sexual identity counselling
- men’s relationship counselling Reading
- gay relationship counselling
- therapy for gay men Berkshire
- bisexual counselling Berkshire
- LGBTQ mental health Reading
- men’s counselling Wokingham
- LGBTQ counselling Wokingham
- counselling for gay men in Reading
- therapy for bisexual men in Reading
- LGBTQ therapist for men in Berkshire
- counselling for sexuality and identity Reading
- therapy for gay relationship problems Reading
- counselling for men struggling with sexuality
- therapy for LGBTQ men and masculinity
- counselling for gay men with relationship difficulties