"I wasn’t in love with her—I was addicted to how she made me feel about myself."
— Anonymous
You might have experienced that overwhelming feeling when you're constantly thinking about someone—whether it’s a crush, a partner, or someone you’ve just met. Your heart races when you see them, and your mind is consumed by thoughts of what they’re doing or how they might feel about you. It can feel exciting, even intoxicating, but it can also leave you feeling confused, anxious, or obsessed. If you’ve ever felt this way, it’s possible you’ve been experiencing something called limerence.
Limerence is more than just a crush or infatuation. It’s a state of intense emotional attraction that can be all-consuming. It often involves obsessing over someone’s every word, gesture, and action, constantly wondering whether they feel the same way about you. It can create a rollercoaster of highs and lows—when they show interest, you feel euphoric, but when they seem distant or don’t respond the way you hoped, it can cause deep frustration, anxiety, or even despair.
For many men, especially if they haven’t had the chance to reflect on their emotions, limerence can be hard to identify or understand. You might confuse it with love or think that your intense feelings are normal or healthy. However, limerence is often more about wanting someone and being consumed by the idea of them, rather than truly knowing or connecting with the person for who they are.
Why is it important for you to understand this?
Recognizing limerence and how it affects your emotions is key to navigating healthy relationships. It can help you:
- Distinguish between infatuation and real love: Limerence can be mistaken for love because the feelings are intense and overwhelming, but they’re not necessarily rooted in a genuine, deep connection. Understanding the difference can prevent you from making decisions based on temporary emotions.
- Avoid emotional dependency: Limerence can make you feel like your happiness depends entirely on the other person’s actions or approval. This can create a sense of emotional instability, where your self-worth is linked to how they respond to you.
- Prevent unhealthy patterns: If you constantly find yourself fixating on people who don't reciprocate your feelings or being consumed by someone’s attention, it can lead to unhealthy, one-sided relationships. Understanding limerence helps you spot these patterns early on.
- Develop emotional resilience: By recognizing the impact of limerence, you can learn to manage your emotions better and avoid becoming overwhelmed or anxious. This gives you the space to reflect on what you really want in a relationship and what’s truly important.
What Does Limerence Look Like for Men?
Limerence can show up in sneaky ways, especially for men who are taught to hide or downplay their emotions. You might not call it “obsession,” but you’ll know something’s off when:
- You’re constantly checking your phone for a message from her.
- You replay conversations in your head, wondering what you said wrong—or right.
- You feel a rush when she gives you attention, and a crash when she pulls away.
- You make excuses for her behaviour, even when she’s inconsistent, unavailable, or disrespectful.
- You lose focus at work, with friends, or in your daily life because your thoughts are stuck on her.
Sometimes, limerence can even latch on to someone you barely know. She might be a colleague, a friend’s partner, or even someone from your past. The emotional grip feels real, even if the relationship—or connection—is mostly in your head. This can be confusing and embarrassing for men, especially when society tells you to “man up” or “get over it.” But this isn’t about weakness. It’s about understanding how your brain and emotions work, especially when they’ve locked onto someone who may not be good—or even available—for you.
Why Do Men Experience Limerence?
There’s often a deeper reason why limerence takes hold. For many men, it links back to unmet emotional needs, past abandonment, or a sense of emptiness they haven’t had space to explore.
Limerence can act like an emotional shortcut—a way to feel wanted, seen, alive. That addictive high might be covering up loneliness, low self-worth, or a fear of rejection. It can also be a distraction from unresolved grief, relationship wounds, or trauma. For some, the feeling of being “hooked” on a woman becomes a pattern that repeats over and over again.
If you grew up not being taught how to name or manage emotions, it’s no surprise that this intensity feels overwhelming. You’re not broken—you just haven’t been shown how to deal with this kind of emotional surge.
How Therapy Can Help You Break Free from Limerence
You don’t have to stay stuck in this loop. Therapy gives you a space to unpack what’s really going on beneath the surface. It can help you:
1. Name It and Own It
Once you realise what you’re experiencing is limerence—not love—you can begin to regain control. Therapy helps you identify the thoughts and behaviours that keep you trapped.
2. Explore the Roots
Often, limerence is tied to early attachment wounds or unmet childhood needs. Understanding your emotional blueprint allows you to break old patterns and make healthier choices.
3. Learn Emotional Regulation
You’ll develop tools to manage anxiety, emotional highs and lows, and those intrusive thoughts that seem to take over. Therapy helps you calm the storm so you can think clearly again.
4. Rebuild Your Identity
Limerence can make you feel like you’ve lost yourself. In therapy, you can reconnect with your values, rebuild your self-worth, and rediscover what you actually want—not just what you’re chasing.
5. Create Healthier Relationships
By understanding your emotional needs, you can form relationships built on mutual respect, depth, and connection—not fantasy, fear, or control.
You’re Not Alone
Many men struggle with limerence but suffer in silence. They blame themselves, chase validation, or think they're “just bad at relationships.” But limerence is not a moral failing—it’s a signal. A sign that something deeper is calling for your attention.
At Male Minds Counselling, we work with men who are ready to break free from emotional loops and create lives—and relationships—that feel stable, grounded, and authentic. If you're caught in limerence, you're not crazy, you're not weak—and you're not alone.
Reach out. Let’s talk.
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