In the UK, it's estimated that between 165,000 and 390,000 men may be living what many call a “down low” life — men who have sex with other men but do not identify as gay or bisexual. Some of them are married to women. Others are fathers. Many identify as straight. And most will never tell a soul.
These men don’t fit easily into a box. Some explored same-sex experiences in their teenage years and shut it down. Some turn to apps like Grindr when they’re away for work or when the loneliness gets too loud. Some want a family — or already have one — but feel trapped between the life they live and the truth they’ve buried.
They are not rare. They are not broken. But they are often hurting. And too many of them are suffering in silence, terrified of what it might cost to finally be honest. This blog is for them. And for the therapists, partners, and friends who want to understand.
“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.”
— Carl Jung
There are men who go through life carrying a truth they rarely say out loud. Maybe in their teenage years, they explored, experimented, or questioned—but then buried it deep. Maybe they’ve convinced themselves it was just “a phase,” or “curiosity.”
Fast forward. They’re married now. They’ve got kids. Or maybe they desperately wanted a family—but something always held them back. Maybe they travel for work, and in quiet moments, open Grindr. Not for identity, not even for sex. For validation. For something real they can’t name. We call them “down low” men. But they’re not statistics or stereotypes. They are human beings—often in pain. And in therapy, many sit across from us, never mentioning any of this... until the moment the silence becomes too heavy to carry.
Who Are “Down Low” Men?
"Down low" is often used to describe men—particularly in Black and minority communities—who have sexual or emotional relationships with other men but do not identify as gay or bisexual. To be fair, some are gay or bisexual but they do not wish to come out or are scared to come out. Some are in heterosexual marriages. Some are single. Others are religious or culturally embedded in environments where same-sex attraction is not only judged but punished.
It’s easy to reduce this to secrecy, betrayal, or confusion—but it’s far more complex than that. These men often live between two worlds: one of performance, the other of suppressed truth.
Why do some men live a double life and hide their sexuality from their wives and families
1. Internalised Shame and Fear
Many of these men grow up in environments that demonise or reject queerness. To be gay or bisexual is, in their minds, to be less of a man—or to risk being shunned, attacked, or emotionally disowned.
In cultures where masculinity is tied tightly to dominance, religion, tradition, or family pride, queer identity can feel like a death sentence. Marriage, in this context, becomes not only an escape but a mask—one they might even believe will eventually become real if they just "play the part" long enough. This isn’t always conscious deceit; sometimes it is denial so strong that the man himself believes the lie.
2. The Pressure to Conform
Whether it's from family, church, culture, or society at large, men are often expected to marry, father children, and present a conventional image of success.
Choosing not to marry or to be openly queer could result in exclusion from family gatherings, inheritance, religious communities, or social status. For some, this price feels too high to pay. The wedding becomes a kind of armour against suspicion, and the family becomes a shield against internal and external judgment.
3. They Genuinely Care—But Can't Be Fully Present
One of the most painful elements is that many of these men genuinely love their wives and children. They show up to sports days, wipe tears, pay bills, and offer advice.
But their emotional and sexual truth exists in another compartment, one that must remain locked. In this dual life, harm doesn't always come from absence, but from misrepresentation. The wife loves someone who is not fully there. The children look up to someone whose world is split in two. The man, himself, lives under constant psychological strain.
4. Fear of Losing Everything
Coming out—even in adulthood—means risking everything. Men fear divorce, custody battles, social disgrace, job loss, and abandonment by their own parents or siblings. The shame isn't just internal; it's systemic.
Many convince themselves it’s better to suffer in silence than to destroy their families. They believe that secrecy, while painful, is protective. In reality, it corrodes.
5. They Think They Won’t Get Caught
Some men believe they can manage both worlds forever. They set strict rules for themselves: never fall in love with a man, never get caught, always stay emotionally available to their wife. But these systems inevitably break down.
Eventually, someone finds messages. Or they slip up. Or they can no longer cope with the mental and emotional toll. When the truth emerges, it isn’t just about infidelity—it's about identity. And that level of betrayal cuts far deeper.
6. Why Don’t They Just Leave?
Because leaving means facing the truth. And facing the truth often means dismantling an entire life—a life they worked hard to build, even if it was rooted in fear. Walking away means admitting who they are and accepting the consequences.
Some men do not have the emotional resources or support to do this. Others rationalise staying by telling themselves that they are being "good fathers" or "protecting" their families. Still others are simply overwhelmed by guilt and inertia.
7. When Prison Becomes a Metaphor
Interestingly, some down low men report that being in literal or emotional isolation—like prison—feels freeing. It's only when stripped of expectation and societal roles that they can finally begin to live authentically. One man shared that after stopping contact with his family, he felt the emotional space to explore his bisexuality without judgment or explanation.
While many may not understand this, it reveals something important: freedom from pressure is sometimes more powerful than the desire for connection. And that pressure often comes from the very family they helped build.
8. The Aftermath
For the women and children left behind, the emotional devastation can be profound. They weren't just lied to; they were used as props in someone else's performance. They grieve not only the relationship, but the identity of someone they thought they knew.
For the man, even after walking away, guilt and shame don’t vanish. Some remain emotionally detached from the family forever. Others attempt reconnection, often too late or too awkwardly. The damage is real, and in many cases, irreversible.
“The closet is not a place of safety; it is a place of silence, shame, and suffering.”
— Chris Tompkins, author and LGBTQ+ advocate
The Psychological Burden
1. Internalised Shame
Many of these men grew up hearing messages like:
- “That’s not what real men do.”
- “It’s disgusting.”
- “It’s a sin.”
They carry a deep shame—not just for what they feel—but for even having the feelings. Shame this intense doesn't just sit in the mind—it weighs on the body, the relationships, and the sense of self.
2. Fear of Abandonment and Exposure
“I’ll lose everything if people knew.”
This fear keeps men trapped in secrecy, unable to access the support they need. The idea of being outed, rejected, or abandoned is more terrifying than staying in emotional hiding.
3. Splitting of Identity
One version of themselves is public—family man, businessman, husband.
Another is secret—private messages, one-night meetings, suppressed memories.
This splitting causes deep anxiety, depression, or even dissociation.
4. Loneliness
Even surrounded by people, these men feel alone. Because the part of them that most needs love has never known it.
Lavender Marriages: When the Performance Becomes a Partnership
In some cases, down low men enter into what’s historically known as a lavender marriage—a union between a man and a woman where one or both partners conceal their same-sex attraction in order to maintain appearances, status, or meet cultural expectations.
This wasn’t uncommon in early Hollywood, politics, or even within certain religious communities. But it still happens today, quietly and often painfully. For many of these men, the marriage wasn't built on deception, but on survival.
They wanted to be "normal." They wanted the family. They wanted peace from the internal war they couldn’t name. Sometimes, the wife knows—either consciously or subconsciously—but doesn’t say anything. Sometimes, she finds out much later, leaving both partners hurt, confused, and grieving the life they thought they were building.
In therapy, we often meet these men when the seams start to tear. When they can’t fake it anymore. When they begin to realise that authenticity and love don’t have to be enemies. Helping these men means acknowledging the pressure they’ve lived under for years. It means recognising that their silence wasn’t always a choice—it was a form of emotional protection in a world that didn't make room for their truth.
Cultural & Faith-Based Pressures: Why Some Men Hide Their Truth
For many men who live on the “down low,” their secrecy didn’t start with sex.
It started with culture. With religion. With fear.
Long before a man opens Grindr in a hotel room, he may have spent years hearing messages like:
- “You can’t be gay and African.”
- “It’s an abomination.”
- “You’ll bring shame on the family.”
- “You’re not a real man if you don’t marry and have kids.”
“When you grow up in a culture that demonises who you are, survival can sometimes mean becoming someone you’re not.”
In communities where masculinity, religion, and family honour are deeply intertwined, being anything other than straight isn’t just seen as different—it’s seen as dangerous, disgraceful, or even demonic. These are not just external expectations. They become internalised prisons. So what do many men do? They choose respectability over truth. Survival over authenticity.
And often, marriage over isolation.
Why Lavender Marriages Seem Like the "Safe" Option
For some men, especially in conservative cultures or religious households, a lavender marriage is seen as:
- A way to make their parents proud.
- A way to silence community gossip.
- A way to avoid being cast out, beaten, or disowned.
- A way to have children and fulfil a traditional legacy.
They may love their wife. They may be a good father. But the internal conflict never fully leaves.
The Emotional Toll
What’s often misunderstood is the emotional cost of these choices—not only to the man, but to everyone around him:
- He may live in fear of being exposed.
- He may resent the life he built out of pressure, not freedom.
- His wife may eventually feel deceived, inadequate, or heartbroken.
- The children may pick up on the emotional distance or tension without knowing why.
In therapy, the unravelling is tender and slow. These men are not villains. They are survivors of a system that told them who they were was unacceptable.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a rare opportunity: a room where no performance is required. But that doesn’t mean down low men will open up easily. Trust takes time. And therapists must create a space where non-judgment, curiosity, and deep respect guide the work.
1. Allowing the Truth to Emerge Slowly
Don’t rush to label. Many of these men don’t want to hear “you’re gay” or “you need to come out.” They need space to explore without being pushed.
2. Working with the Shame
The aim is not to fix them—but to help them face what they’ve been running from: their own humanity. Unpacking where the shame came from—culture, faith, trauma—is essential.
3. Understanding the Conflict Between Desire and Duty
Some men desperately want to be good fathers, partners, or role models. They’re not trying to hurt anyone. But they’ve never been taught that two things can be true:
You can love your children and still wrestle with your identity.
You can crave intimacy with men without rejecting your responsibilities.
Therapy must hold this nuance.
4. Helping Them Grieve
There is often grief:
- For the life they didn’t live.
- For the relationships they damaged.
- For the authenticity they’ve never known.
Grief, when allowed to surface, can be healing.
5. Offering Language Without Imposing It
Sometimes just giving men words—like “fluidity,” “internalised homophobia,” “identity development”—can open doors inside that they’ve kept bolted shut.
We must stop seeing down low men as liars or cowards—and start seeing them as wounded, complex, and human. Many didn’t choose this silence—they inherited it. Passed down from generations of fear, trauma, and survival. And if therapy can be one place where they stop hiding, even just a little, then that’s a beginning.
Because healing doesn’t always start with answers. Sometimes it starts with the question: “What would happen if I told the truth?”
Relevant Points from Research and Theory
- Internalised Homophobia: Many closeted or "down-low" men have internalised cultural or religious beliefs that homosexuality is wrong. This internal conflict can lead them to live double lives.
- Attachment & Shame: In therapy, men often fear abandonment and rejection. Being disowned by family or community is so threatening that some choose secrecy instead.
- Psychodynamic View: The "false self" (Winnicott) is created when individuals feel that their real self is unacceptable. For some men, marrying and performing heteronormative roles is a way of maintaining the false self to gain social acceptance.
- Societal Pressure: In some cultures, manhood is tied to marriage and fatherhood. Choosing not to marry or not to have children may bring shame to one’s family.
Cassim