Here’s a scenario I hear all too often in therapy: I’m sitting across from a client, sometimes a grown adult, sometimes a teenager. They share something like, “I’ve always liked older women,” or “My first sexual experience was with someone much older.” I ask for a little more detail. Sometimes the client shares that the person was a parent, an uncle, or an adult family friend. Other times, it’s a non-family adult, thier best friends older sister, a girl they started talking to on snap or someone in their late 20s or 30s they met in a shop.
You might be surprised, and even shocked, at how many boys and men I’ve sat across from in therapy who were, by legal definitions, sexually assaulted as children or teenagers, yet describe the experience as one of the best sexual experiences of their lives. They say they would do it again in a heartbeat, and they don’t identify it as traumatic. In contrast, I have never, in my counselling practice, heard a female client describe a similar scenario in that way. This raises an important question: if a boy or young man is sexually abused but does not perceive it as traumatic or a violation, does it still affect him?At first glance, these statements seem innocuous, even consensual. But as a psychotherapist, I know that early sexual contact with an adult carries complex psychological dynamics. The adult-child power imbalance is central: children’s brains, particularly in areas governing impulse control, emotional regulation, and relational reasoning, are still developing. Even when a boy experiences pleasure, excitement, or curiosity during these encounters, the experience can disrupt healthy sexual, emotional, and relational development.
Developmental psychologists (e.g., Erik Erikson) note that children’s early experiences shape identity and trust. Freud and psychodynamic theory highlight how early sexual experiences, particularly those involving power imbalances, influence later sexual scripts, attachment, and intimacy. Trauma-informed approaches emphasize that even if the child does not consciously perceive harm, the neurodevelopmental and relational impact can be profound.
As i say, legally, these encounters are unequivocally sexual abuse. Yet from a clinical perspective, the child’s subjective experience complicates matters. Many boys do not feel violated; some even recall excitement or pleasure, and may later describe these experiences as formative or desirable. This divergence between legal definitions and personal perception is critical in therapy. Clinically, we understand that trauma isn’t always immediately painful or recognized. Concepts like “latent trauma” or “complex trauma” explain why a person may process harm only years later, often triggered by relationships, parenthood, or sexual intimacy in adulthood.
Judith Herman (Trauma and Recovery) describes how trauma can be stored in implicit memory, the body and emotions “remember,” even if the conscious mind doesn’t label the experience as abuse. Attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth) also suggests that early experiences with caregivers shape relational templates. If an adult violates boundaries during this sensitive period, it can alter attachment patterns and trust, regardless of perceived consent.
The Reality of Early Adult-Child Sexual Experiences
Even when a boy enjoys or seeks out sexual contact with an adult, the experience can leave subtle, long-term effects.
Boundary confusion: Boys may grow up believing that adult–child sexual contact is normal, safe, or expected. This can severely affect their understanding of future relationships, consent, and sexual boundaries. Early sexual contact can blur the lines between affection and exploitation, making it difficult to recognize healthy consent or relational limits. This increases the risk of both future vulnerability and inappropriate sexual behavior.
Attachment and intimacy challenges: Early sexualization by an adult can distort how a boy forms emotional bonds. He may struggle to trust peers, confuse love with sex, or fear vulnerability. Repeated exposure to adult sexual behaviors before emotional maturity can create long-term difficulties, such as fear of intimacy, chronic mistrust, or hyper-independence in adult relationships.
Shame and secrecy: Many boys never talk about these experiences because of social stigma, embarrassment, or fear of being disbelieved. Carrying such secrets can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and a sense of isolation that persists into adulthood.
Distorted sexual scripts: Early exposure to sexual activity with adults can shape sexual preferences, fantasies, and expectations later in life, sometimes leading to risky behaviors or relational difficulties. From Freud’s early psychoanalytic theories to modern trauma-informed perspectives, research suggests that premature sexualization can contribute to compulsive sexual behaviors, distorted expectations of intimacy, and struggles with sexual identity.
Why Perception Matters
The fact that a boy may not feel abused doesn’t erase the potential harm. From a psychotherapeutic perspective, trauma isn’t only about immediate fear or pain, it’s about power imbalance, exploitation, and developmental disruption. Boys’ brains are still developing, especially in areas governing impulse control, emotion regulation, and relational understanding. Adult sexual involvement can interrupt normal sexual and emotional development, even if the child feels curious, excited, or consenting at the time. The core of abuse is power, control, and exploitation. Even when a child does not consciously feel victimized, the imbalance of power between an adult and a child is inherently coercive. Psychotherapists recognize that children lack the cognitive and emotional maturity to fully consent. Early sexual experiences with adults may subtly rewire expectations about intimacy, trust, and sexuality, producing patterns that only surface later in life. Boys might normalize coercive behaviors, equate love with sex, or develop difficulty negotiating consent in adult relationships.
Trauma-informed neuroscience explains that repeated experiences of exploitation or boundary violation during critical developmental windows can alter the brain’s stress response, attachment patterns, and relational templates. The concept of developmental trauma disorder highlights how experiences that disrupt safety and trust in childhood, even if pleasurable, can have lifelong consequences.
Clinical experience shows that men often only fully process these experiences much later in life, sometimes after becoming fathers themselves, in relationships, or in therapy. They might notice patterns of mistrust, sexual confusion, hypersexuality, or difficulties forming emotional intimacy.
How Does Being Sexually Abused as a Boy Impact Heterosexual Relationships Later in Life?
Experiencing sexual contact with an adult as a child can have far-reaching effects on a man’s ability to form and maintain healthy heterosexual relationships, even when the individual does not initially perceive the experience as abusive. One of the most common impacts is difficulty with intimacy and trust. Men may find it challenging to fully open up to a partner emotionally, fearing exploitation, judgment, or rejection. Some may avoid emotional closeness altogether while still seeking sexual contact, whereas others may cling intensely out of fear of abandonment. From a psychological perspective, these difficulties often relate to disruptions in attachment patterns that develop in childhood, shaping expectations of how love, care, and sexual connection function in adult relationships.
Early sexual experiences with adults can also create confusing sexual scripts that carry into adulthood. Men may develop a preference for older partners, associate sex primarily with power or control, or struggle to differentiate between consent, affection, and coercion. These distorted patterns can make it difficult to navigate healthy heterosexual relationships, particularly if the partner’s expectations are based on mutuality and emotional intimacy rather than replication of past dynamics. In therapy, addressing these scripts involves helping the individual understand their origins, recognize the impact on present behaviour, and develop healthier patterns of sexual expression.
Emotional regulation and conflict management are other areas that can be affected. Childhood sexual trauma can alter how the brain processes stress and manages emotions, leaving men more likely to either overreact to minor conflict or shut down emotionally to avoid vulnerability. These responses can create friction in heterosexual partnerships, as navigating disagreements and building trust requires consistent emotional engagement. Similarly, feelings of shame and secrecy surrounding past sexual experiences often persist into adulthood. Even if a man initially perceived the experience as enjoyable, he may carry unconscious guilt, embarrassment, or fear of judgment, leading him to hide aspects of his history from partners. This secrecy can hinder intimacy and create relational distance.
Sexual functioning itself may also be impacted. Some men develop performance anxiety, feeling pressure to meet unrealistic sexual expectations or to assert dominance. Others may display hypersexual behaviour, compulsively seeking sexual encounters as a way to process unresolved trauma. Both patterns can place strain on heterosexual relationships, especially when emotional connection is neglected or secondary to sexual activity. Furthermore, early exposure to adult power dynamics can influence how a man navigates consent and boundaries in adult relationships. He may unconsciously replicate patterns of dominance and control, or, conversely, avoid sexual intimacy entirely, creating tension when trying to establish a balanced and equitable partnership.
Many men who have experienced sexual contact with an adult in childhood struggle with emotional vulnerability. Because their early experiences taught them that adults could exploit their body, trusting a partner with emotions or physical intimacy can feel risky or unsafe. This fear can manifest as emotional distance, difficulty forming attachments, or anxiety around intimacy. However, the good news from a psychotherapeutic perspective is that these patterns are not fixed. Through therapy, men can gradually develop secure attachment, establish clear sexual and emotional boundaries, rebuild trust, and form healthy, mutually satisfying relationships. Recognizing the lasting effects of these early experiences is the first step toward breaking cycles of trauma and cultivating intimacy and connection in adult heterosexual relationships.
Questions I get asked by clients
If a boy says he “enjoyed it,” can it still be abuse?
Even if a boy reports that his early sexual experience with an adult felt pleasurable at the time, it is still classified as sexual abuse. Psychologically, children are not capable of giving informed consent because their brains are still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex which governs judgment, impulse control, and understanding consequences. Experiencing pleasure does not erase the power imbalance or the fact that the adult exploited their position of authority. Many boys normalize or even reframe these experiences as enjoyable to cope with the fear, shame, or confusion associated with abuse. Over time, this can create conflicting memories, where they feel both satisfaction and guilt, making it harder to process the trauma later in life.
Why don’t some men see their childhood sexual experiences with adults as harmful?
Men often internalize messages from society that boys should be “tough” or that sexual experiences are markers of maturity or masculinity. These cultural narratives can lead men to minimize or deny the abuse they experienced. Additionally, psychodynamic theory suggests that repression can occur as a defense mechanism — memories or emotions connected to trauma are buried to protect the self from unbearable feelings of shame, fear, or helplessness. Cognitive distortions, such as believing “it didn’t harm me,” can also arise, especially if the adult manipulated the child into thinking the encounter was normal. These protective mechanisms serve a purpose in childhood but can complicate emotional processing and relationships in adulthood.
How do cultural views of masculinity affect whether men recognize abuse?
Societal expectations of masculinity, stoicism, emotional suppression, and sexual conquest, can create a blind spot for recognizing abuse. Boys are often taught that they must be “strong” and that showing vulnerability is weak. If an adult initiates sexual activity, a boy may interpret it as a rite of passage or proof of masculinity, rather than exploitation. Psychotherapy often explores how these gendered narratives contribute to a lack of awareness or acknowledgment of harm. Without this recognition, men may struggle to understand their emotions, feel conflicted about intimacy, or carry unprocessed trauma into adulthood.
What long-term effects can childhood sexual abuse have on a man’s mental health?
Childhood sexual abuse can leave deep psychological scars that manifest in multiple ways. Clinically, men may experience anxiety, depression, PTSD, low self-esteem, or chronic shame. Attachment theory suggests that early abuse can disrupt the development of secure attachments, making it difficult to trust others or feel safe in intimate relationships. Some men may become hyper-vigilant, controlling, or emotionally distant, while others may seek risky sexual encounters or oversexualize relationships as a way to regain a sense of power. The impact often extends into self-perception, career, and social functioning, influencing how men relate to the world and their sense of self-worth.
Does it matter if the abuser was male or female?
The gender of the abuser can influence the way trauma manifests, but both scenarios are damaging. Male victims abused by women may experience confusion about consent and masculinity, particularly because society often downplays female-on-male abuse. Abuse by men can introduce issues related to homophobia, shame, and fear, especially if the victim identifies as heterosexual. Regardless of gender, the key factors are coercion, power imbalance, and the victim’s inability to consent. Therapeutically, unpacking the specific dynamics of the relationship is crucial for healing, as it allows men to disentangle feelings of desire, guilt, and fear.
Why do some men develop hypersexuality while others withdraw from sex completely?
Psychologically, men respond differently to trauma based on personality, attachment style, and coping mechanisms. Some men may overcompensate by seeking frequent sexual encounters or thrill-seeking sexual experiences to reclaim a sense of control or mastery over their bodies. Others may withdraw from sexual intimacy entirely, avoiding closeness to prevent vulnerability or flashbacks of the abuse. Psychotherapists often see these behaviors as adaptive strategies that were necessary in childhood but maladaptive in adulthood. Treatment involves helping men recognize patterns, reframe their sexual narratives, and develop healthy boundaries and relationships.
How does early sexual abuse affect trust and intimacy in adult relationships?
Trust is often the first casualty of childhood sexual abuse. Men who were violated by an adult may struggle to believe that partners have good intentions, fearing manipulation or harm. This can manifest as emotional withdrawal, jealousy, difficulty expressing affection, or hyper-control in relationships. Psychotherapy highlights how these patterns stem from early experiences where care and harm were inseparably intertwined. Healing requires practicing vulnerability in safe environments, often starting with therapy, where the client can learn to differentiate between past trauma and present reality.
Can it cause problems with sexual performance or desire in heterosexual relationships?
Yes, sexual abuse can create both psychological and physiological challenges. Men may experience erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, loss of desire, or intrusive sexual fantasies tied to trauma. These issues often arise from the body’s stress responses being activated in sexual situations, as the brain associates intimacy with fear or shame. Cognitive-behavioral and psychodynamic therapies can help men retrain their emotional and physical responses, develop trust with partners, and gradually reestablish a sense of sexual safety and agency.
Why do some men replicate power dynamics from their abuse in adult relationships?
Men may unconsciously reproduce the dynamics of their abuse, either by asserting control over partners or seeking partners who reinforce familiar power imbalances. Psychodynamic theory explains this as repetition compulsion — an unconscious drive to master unresolved trauma by recreating familiar situations. From a clinical perspective, therapy helps men identify these patterns, understand their origins, and practice healthier relational behaviors. Learning to recognize when they are acting out of trauma versus conscious choice is key to breaking the cycle.
How does childhood sexual abuse affect a man’s sense of masculinity?
Men often tie their self-worth to strength, autonomy, and sexual competence. Abuse undermines these markers, creating internal conflict. Psychotherapeutically, men may struggle with shame, feeling “less than a man,” or believe that expressing emotions makes them weak. Therapy often focuses on reconstructing masculinity, helping men integrate vulnerability, empathy, and assertiveness alongside traditional notions of strength. This can lead to healthier self-concept and more authentic relationships.
Are men more likely to hide their abuse because of stigma or shame?
Absolutely. Cultural stigma around male victimhood encourages silence. Men fear being seen as weak, effeminate, or complicit, particularly if abused by women. Even with male perpetrators, homophobic societal narratives can compound shame. Psychotherapy provides a confidential space for men to articulate experiences without judgment, allowing them to process emotions that have been silenced for decades. Normalizing the discussion around male sexual abuse is crucial for recovery.
How do these experiences shape a man’s sexual preferences, such as attraction to older partners?
Early sexual experiences, particularly when they involve older partners, can create lasting associations in the brain between sexual arousal and age differences. Attachment theory suggests that these experiences can influence partner selection as adults, sometimes unconsciously seeking dynamics reminiscent of early sexual encounters. In therapy, exploring these patterns does not pathologize attraction but rather contextualizes it, helping men understand the roots of preferences and make conscious choices that support healthy intimacy.
Can men heal from early sexual abuse, even if it happened decades ago?
Yes. Trauma-informed therapy, such as EMDR, CBT, or psychodynamic approaches, shows that men can process childhood sexual abuse at any age. Healing involves recognizing the abuse, understanding its impact on thoughts, emotions, and relationships, and rebuilding self-trust and relational skills. Recovery is not about erasing memories but integrating them in a way that reduces shame, guilt, and reactivity. With support, men can form secure relationships, experience healthy sexual expression, and regain agency over their lives.
What role does therapy play in helping men process these experiences?
Therapy creates a safe space to explore shame, guilt, and confusion without judgment. Psychotherapists use techniques such as trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy, somatic experiencing, and psychodynamic work to help men understand the psychological patterns formed by abuse. Therapy addresses relational patterns, emotional regulation, sexual health, and self-concept. Importantly, it allows men to reclaim control over their narrative, differentiating past trauma from present choice, which is essential for healthy adult intimacy.
How can a partner support someone who has gone through this?
Partners play a crucial role in recovery by providing safety, patience, and understanding. Respecting boundaries, avoiding blame, and encouraging professional support can help survivors feel validated. Couples therapy can be beneficial when abuse history impacts trust or intimacy. Importantly, partners must understand that healing is non-linear; setbacks are part of the process, and open communication paired with empathy fosters an environment where trauma does not define the relationship.
The Role of Therapy
Therapy can help men (and teenagers) unpack these experiences safely:
- Processing memories: Safe exploration of the events without judgment or minimization.
- Understanding consent and boundaries: Learning that regardless of feelings at the time, an adult should never have sexual contact with a child.
- Building healthy sexuality: Developing appropriate sexual expectations, emotional intimacy, and self-respect.
- Healing attachment wounds: Working through mistrust, shame, or relational confusion stemming from early sexual experiences.
The Bottom Line
Even if a boy “liked it” at the time, the sexual involvement of an adult can shape development in ways that surface later in life. Legally, it’s abuse. Psychologically, it can create hidden trauma, identity struggles, and relational challenges. Therapy offers a chance to recognize, understand, and heal these effects — to reclaim agency over one’s body, choices, and sexual self.
Sexual abuse doesn’t always look like what people expect. And sometimes, the boy doesn’t know he was a victim. That doesn’t make the impact any less real.
Cassim