Why Do Young Men Go After Older Women?
It’s not a controversial statement to say that most women don’t usually get into serious relationships with younger men. Globally, married men are on average four years older than their wives. The smallest gap, in Europe and North America, is less than three years. The largest gap is in sub-Saharan Africa, where men tend to be more than eight years older than their wives. In a recent survey of 130 countries, none had heterosexual couples where men tended to be younger than their partners or even the same age. US census data shows that in half of married couples, the man is at least two years older than the female, while only 14% have a woman who is older by the same margin. In England and Wales, nearly a third of married couples have an age difference of five or more years.
The reasons for that are fairly well understood. But in my therapy room, I’ve worked with a number of young men who are in these relationships. And they often come to therapy because they’re facing challenges that aren’t easy to talk about. Their families may not approve, they can’t bring their partner to work events, they avoid posting about them online, and they certainly can’t bring them to Christmas parties without awkward questions. And yet, these relationships exist, and often with love at the centre. Both partners are consenting adults who have made a conscious choice to be together.
Recent research suggests this trend is growing. For example, one survey found that 81% of women are open to dating someone ten years younger, and nearly 90% of men are interested in dating someone ten years older. It’s something you may see more and more, both online and in real life. In my therapy room, I’ve worked with divorced women in their 40s, with kids, telling me about men in their 20s who won’t leave them alone. And they are always asking me, why does this happen?
For some young men, older women feel safer, more grounded, more stable. Others see it as exciting, a challenge, or even a way of going against what’s expected of them. And sometimes, it’s not really about the woman at all, it’s about what being with her says about the man himself. What I’ve noticed is that the relationships men chase tell you a lot about who they are. It shows how they see themselves, what they’re looking for, and even what they might be running from.
That’s why in therapy, talking about relationships is such a big deal. It’s not just gossip about who you fancy, it’s a mirror. It shows you the patterns you’re stuck in, the choices you keep making, and how you really show up with people. And if a man wants to grow, he’s got to see that clearly. Because once you understand yourself, your attractions, and your habits, you can start moving differently in the world. Honestly, nothing reveals who you are more than the people you go after in intimacy. And that’s where therapy can change things, it helps you finally see yourself, maybe in a way you never have before.
The New Generation is Different
One of the first things we need to acknowledge is that there’s a new generation of men coming up, Millennials and Gen Z, born post-1990—who are a very different calibre from their predecessors. Many of these men have taken a deep look at themselves. Some have become estranged from family members after recognising patterns of narcissism or abuse. They’ve been to therapy, kept journals, read self-development books, and learned to identify both healthy and unhealthy behaviours. They’ve genuinely done the work.
While they may be younger in age, many of these men are emotionally mature far beyond their years. Some have achieved success that previous generations couldn’t, in part because they don’t have to follow the old model of grinding through a job for decades. Instead, they’ve built side hustles, traded online, invested in cryptocurrency, created YouTube channels, and found alternative paths to financial and personal success.
This combination of emotional maturity and achievement makes them attractive to older women. When they look at peers their own age, many of the women they meet are very liberal or feminist-driven. Some of these men, meanwhile, lean more conservative and may be looking for traditional family structures. So if they have the maturity, the resources, and the legal freedom to pursue a relationship, why wouldn’t an older woman consider them?
Even if they aren’t at the same life stage, many of these men share common values, interests, and ambitions with older women. They connect through intimacy, closeness, and passion, which is why I see so many of these men in my therapy room exploring these relationships.
Attachment and Developmental Influences
Lets look at this from a clinical perspective, because attachment theory helps explain part of this. Men who pursue older women may have experienced insecure or disrupted attachment in childhood. If a young man grew up without reliable, nurturing parental figures, or had an absent father, he may be drawn to women who appear capable, grounded, and maternal in ways that feel emotionally safe.
As a male counsellor I often see that older women can unconsciously embody qualities of stability, care, and emotional attunement that these men crave. This doesn’t mean the attraction is purely maternal, but there’s often a mix of admiration, comfort, and perceived safety. It is also why you may hear some women say that they are carrying the emotional side of a relationship.
Maturity and Life Experience
One of the biggest reasons young men go after older women is because of the maturity and life experience they bring. A lot of lads in their early 20s feel out of step with women their own age. Their peers might still be caught up in nights out, experimenting, or just figuring out who they are. There’s nothing wrong with that, but some young men find it hard to connect with it.
Older women, on the other hand, often have a stronger sense of who they are. They’ve been through things, made mistakes, learned lessons, and come out the other side with more clarity. They might know what they want from life, they’re less likely to play games, and they usually carry themselves with a confidence that younger women might still be working towards. For a young man who’s craving depth, stability, or even just someone who feels more settled, that’s attractive. It can feel like he’s stepping into a relationship where there’s less chaos and more direction.
And from a psychological angle, that attraction can sometimes reveal where a young man is at in his own development. Maybe he’s tired of surface-level connections. Maybe he grew up fast and is looking for someone who matches that pace. Or maybe he’s looking for the kind of emotional guidance and steadiness he never really had at home. It’s rarely just about looks or age. It’s about what maturity represents—safety, wisdom, confidence, and someone who feels grounded when he doesn’t.
Power, Control, and Role Dynamics
Another reason some young men are drawn to older women is because the usual script gets flipped. Traditionally, society expects the man to be older, more experienced, the one “leading.” But when the woman is older, those roles shift. For some young men, that’s exciting. It gives them space to try on a different version of themselves—more independent, more in charge of their own choices, or even testing what it feels like to step outside what’s expected.
At the same time, there’s something deeper going on that we can’t ignore. Older women can sometimes take on two roles at once: part mother figure, part romantic partner. She might bring emotional stability, care, and wisdom, but at the same time, she’s also a sexual and romantic figure. For the young man, that mix can be powerful. It can also be messy.
If he’s carrying unresolved stuff from childhood, maybe not having that steady maternal presence, or maybe not being seen and nurtured in the way he needed, he might unconsciously project those needs onto her. He’s not just attracted to her as a woman; he’s also trying to heal old wounds through the relationship.
And while it can feel intoxicating at first, that blend often creates complications. It blurs the line between wanting love as a partner and craving care as a child. In therapy, this comes up a lot, and it’s where the real work begins. Because until a man becomes aware of what he’s actually chasing, he risks repeating the same dynamic over and over, whether with older women or anyone else.
Media, Porn, and Cultural Messaging
We can’t ignore the role that media and online culture play in this. Relationships where the man is younger and the woman is older often get glamorised. Films, TV shows, music, even social media, they all push this idea that it’s exciting, rebellious, even a bit taboo. And when something feels forbidden, it often feels more desirable. Think of Adam and Eve, these archetypes are inbeded in men’s minds. For young men especially, peer culture and social validation matter. If online spaces are cheering on “cougar” relationships, or mates are egging them on, it can fuel the chase. Suddenly, it’s not just about the woman, it’s about the status that comes with it.
Porn adds another layer. A lot of porn categories focus on older women, you’ve probably seen the labels: “MILF,” “stepmum,” “older woman, younger man.” For many boys, porn is their first sexual education, long before they’ve had real relationships. If what they’re watching regularly links desire with older women, it can shape what they see as exciting or even “normal.” Lets not forget about Onlyfans and other pay platforms, where young men now can discreetly have access to much older women. And can live out their fantasies in secret, without a single person ever knowing in their local town, village or even country.
The problem is, porn simplifies everything. It turns these dynamics into a fantasy, older women are always confident, sexually available, ready to “teach.” In real life, relationships are far more complex, and when those expectations don’t line up, it can create confusion and disappointment.
In therapy, this is often where we dig deeper. Is the attraction about the actual woman in front of him, or is it about chasing a fantasy fed by media, porn, and peer validation? Becoming aware of that difference is powerful, because it helps men separate genuine connection from patterns they’ve absorbed without even realising.
Persistence and Boundaries
A lot of women say the same thing about younger men chasing them: “they just don’t give up.” Even when the age gap is obvious, or the life stage differences are clear, these men can be relentless. That raises some important questions. Why push when the signals are already there? Why ignore the cues?
In therapy, this kind of persistence often links back to deeper stuff. Sometimes it’s about poor emotional regulation, they struggle to manage strong feelings or calm themselves down when they’re told “no.” Other times it’s impulsivity, acting on desire in the moment without thinking about the bigger picture. And for some, it’s really about rejection. If they’ve grown up with inconsistent care, abandonment, or feeling like love was conditional, rejection hits them harder than it should. It’s not just “she’s not interested,” it feels like “I’m not enough.” That pain drives them to push harder, as if persistence will rewrite the story.
From the outside, it can look like confidence or even arrogance. But underneath, it’s often insecurity, old wounds, and a fear of being left behind. Again, that’s why in therapy, these moments are gold. They open the door to talk about attachment patterns, early experiences, and how someone deals with rejection in all areas of life, not just relationships. Because until that’s faced, the cycle of chasing, pushing, and ignoring boundaries will just keep repeating.
Predatory Dynamics
While a lot of the focus is on young men pursuing older women, it’s also true that some older women actively seek out younger men. And not always for healthy reasons. There are cases where older women spot the vulnerability in a younger man, the lack of direction, the low self-esteem, the absence of a strong male role model, and they move towards it. They position themselves as the “experienced one,” offering guidance, comfort, or even opportunity, but underneath it’s really about control and power.
These dynamics can feel intoxicating for the young man at first, he’s getting attention, validation, maybe even financial or emotional support. But over time, the imbalance shows. The woman holds the strings, and his vulnerability becomes the thing that keeps him tied to her.
In therapy, when men open up about these situations, you often see a mix of emotions: pride because they were “chosen,” but also shame, confusion, or even anger when they realise how much they were manipulated. It’s a difficult truth, but one that needs naming. Because just as young men need to become aware of their patterns in chasing, older women also need to be held accountable for the ways they sometimes exploit that pursuit. Power in relationships cuts both ways, and if it isn’t recognised, the cycle of damage just keeps repeating.
When Attraction Turns Into Control
There’s a book I once read called Prone to Violence by Erin Pizzey, and one thing that really stuck with me is that, some people who’ve been in abusive relationships will keep finding themselves with abusive partners. Even when they think they’re going for the complete opposite, deep down they’re still drawn to the same unhealthy dynamic. That’s something I see a lot in therapy. And it’s why one of the first steps is helping men recognise if they’re the kind of person who might be prone to being taken advantage of. Because once you see the pattern, you can start protecting yourself from repeating it.
I’ve sat with men who’ve been manipulated into doing things that went completely against what they wanted, taking out loans, lying for a partner, even having a baby they didn’t want because that’s what she pushed for. Some of these men now don’t even have access to that child, and the regret runs deep.
The hard part is that many men don’t see themselves as vulnerable. They see vulnerability as weakness, so they deny it. But the truth is, some men are highly vulnerable, especially if they’re autistic, have special educational needs, or simply haven’t learned how to spot manipulation when it’s happening. That’s why awareness is so important. Vulnerability doesn’t mean you’re broken, it means you have to build protective factors around yourself. In therapy, that might look like learning to set boundaries, recognising red flags early, or untangling why you’re drawn to certain dynamics in the first place. Because until you see it, you can’t change it.
Like I have been saying, not every older woman who shows interest in a younger man has good intentions. Some are genuine, but others are looking for someone they can control. So here is an example of how it often plays out: she spots a lad who’s vulnerable, maybe he’s lacking confidence, maybe he doesn’t have a dad around, maybe he’s feeling lost. She steps in, not just as a partner, but as someone who seems to “know better.” At first, it feels good. She gives him attention, makes him feel wanted, even builds up his ego.
But slowly, the balance shifts. She’s the one making the rules. She decides when he’s good enough. She holds the power—financial, emotional, or even sexual. And the young man, instead of being in a relationship of equals, finds himself trapped in a dynamic where his weakness is what keeps her strong. The hard part is, it can feel flattering at the start. Being “chosen” by someone older can boost a young man’s pride. But later on, it often leaves him feeling used, confused, or ashamed.
In therapy, I’ve seen how deep that can cut. What looked like love or mentorship turns out to be manipulation. And unless a man recognises those patterns, he risks repeating them again and again.
So we may look at for example signs of an unhealthy dynamic like:
If someone is only interested in you when you’re at your lowest, be careful.
If they build themselves up by keeping you down, that’s not love.
And if you can’t say no without fear, you’re not in control.
Real relationships are built on respect and balance, not power and control.
Potential Relationship Challenges
When I work with clients, they sometimes ask me what the potential issues that may arise down the road. I always remind clients that it is their life to live. Like I have said, when a younger man and an older woman do get into a relationship, it can work, but there are challenges that often crop up.
Different life priorities – She might already have kids, a career, maybe even be thinking about slowing down. He might just be starting out, still figuring out work, money, or whether he even wants children. That mismatch can create tension, because they’re simply at different stages of life.
Power imbalances and role confusion – In some cases, she’s in the position of having more life experience, more financial stability, or more emotional control. That can leave him feeling like he’s being “parented” rather than being treated as an equal partner. Over time, that gets messy.
Emotional projection – This is something that comes up a lot in therapy. A young man might unconsciously project his unmet maternal needs onto the older woman, looking to her for comfort, care, or the stability he missed growing up. The problem is, that blurs the line between genuine partnership and trying to heal old wounds through someone else.
Social stigma and judgement – Let’s be real, society still talks. Friends, family, and even strangers can judge or gossip. That outside pressure can make the relationship harder to maintain, because they’re not just dealing with their own issues, they’re carrying everyone else’s opinions too.
These challenges don’t mean the relationship can’t work, but they do mean both people have to go in with their eyes open. And for younger men especially, therapy can help them untangle what’s really driving their attraction, so they can see whether it’s about genuine connection, or about something else underneath.
How Male Minds Counselling Can Help Boys and Men
When young men come to therapy because they find themselves attracted to older women, or feel stuck in relationships with them, the work usually focuses on helping them understand themselves and the patterns that influence their choices. One of the first things we explore is attachment and relational patterns. Often, a man’s attraction to certain types of people isn’t just about desire; it can be a reflection of old patterns from childhood. Recognising these patterns is crucial for stopping cycles of unhealthy relationships before they repeat.
Another important area is distinguishing between desires and needs. Many young men chase what they think they want, but it isn’t always what they truly need. Therapy helps them separate fantasy from reality and understand when they are trying to fill an emotional gap inside themselves. Alongside this, learning to recognise and set healthy boundaries is key. Some men struggle to say “no” or to notice when someone is overstepping, and therapy provides a safe space to build the confidence and awareness necessary to protect themselves emotionally.
Unresolved childhood experiences often play a major role as well. Experiences such as absent fathers, inconsistent care, or early rejection can leave young men vulnerable to manipulation or unhealthy dynamics. Therapy allows them to explore these experiences and develop healthier ways to cope with them.
It is useful to note that therapy is about self-awareness and personal growth. It helps men understand how they show up in relationships, not just with older women, but with everyone. By recognising their patterns, becoming aware of their vulnerabilities, and making conscious choices, they can break free from cycles that leave them hurt, frustrated, or taken advantage of.
For young men, seeking therapy is not a weakness. It is a step toward understanding themselves, protecting themselves, and building relationships that are balanced, respectful, and fulfilling. This is not simply about sexual attraction or rebellion, it’s a complex interplay of early experiences, attachment styles, developmental needs, social context, and relational dynamics. Clinically, the goal is awareness: helping my client understand the unconscious drivers of their choices and navigate relationships in ways that are emotionally healthy.
Cassim