“My son who is 19 is soon going to university. What I don’t tell anyone is that the thought gives me panic attacks.” This is the sort of thing I hear from fathers who come to see me in therapy.
You would think that after 19 years of nappies, endless expenses, sleepless nights, uncertainty, loss of identity, house moves, personal sacrifices, and constantly clearing up toys and tantrums, that your son or daughter leaving home would feel like a relief. Finally, a clean and quiet house. Finally, you can design and curate your life as you want it, not around the kids’ school runs, football practices, or late-night lifts. You could even walk around the house naked if you wanted.
But for many fathers, this is not how it feels. Instead of joy, this transition often brings a heavy sense of loss. It’s a period of change in almost every area of life: identity, routine, purpose, even relationships.
Loss of Competence & Role: Many fathers realise that so much of their sense of usefulness came from parenting. Whether it was fixing a bike, explaining homework, or being the one to calm a teenager after a bad day, that role gave them daily moments of competence and validation. Without it, some fathers feel redundant.
Routine Disruption: You’ve spent nearly two decades structuring your life around school terms, holidays, sports days, and exam timetables. Suddenly, there’s no need to rush home to cook or to wait up until they’ve returned safely. That can feel like both a relief and a void. One father described how every night for years, he would wait for the sound of his son’s key in the door before allowing himself to sleep. Now, in his absence, the silence keeps him awake.
Redefining Self & Enjoyment: Fathers often find themselves asking: What do I enjoy, aside from being a dad? For years, choices revolved around the children’s interests—family holidays were about theme parks or beach play, weekends were about football matches, ballet recitals, or swimming lessons. Now, fathers are left to rediscover what brings them joy outside of family duty.
Relationship Shifts: For some couples, the “empty nest” means having to renegotiate their intimate relationship. When the children are gone, there’s nowhere to hide behind the busyness of parenting. Some couples reconnect deeply, but others feel the strain of suddenly having to face each other without distraction. A father shared how, for the first time in years, he and his wife were eating dinner alone. Instead of feeling romantic, it felt awkward—like two strangers in the same house.
Lifestyle Adjustments: Some parents downsize their homes, change their routines, or even rethink their finances. That can bring up its own grief, as though they’re “closing the book” on a chapter of life.
The Question of Love: Perhaps the hardest adjustment is emotional. Many fathers experience a daily sense of being loved through their children—through a hug, a “love you, dad,” or even just the presence of someone who relied on them. Without that, fathers can feel invisible. For some, this gap can spiral into depression, low confidence, or a nagging sense of worthlessness. One father described his daughter’s morning routine of shouting “Bye Dad, love you!” before rushing out the door. When she left for university, he said mornings felt “cold,” as though the house itself had lost its heartbeat.
This transition isn’t just about children leaving home, it’s about fathers entering a new stage of life, often unprepared. It’s a journey of rediscovering identity, purpose, and joy outside of being “dad.”
The Hidden Grief of Fatherhood
What many dads don’t realise is that this stage brings a kind of grief. You’re not just saying goodbye to your child in the day-to-day sense—you’re grieving the end of a whole chapter of your life. The years of being needed, the routines, even the chaos—it’s all part of a loss. And grief often brings denial, sadness, anger, and a search for meaning.
Why Fathers Often Stay Silent
Society often expects fathers to just “get on with it.” While mothers are sometimes given permission to admit they’re struggling with the “empty nest,” fathers are told to be strong, proud, and to celebrate their child’s independence. That can make it hard to admit you’re having panic attacks, or that the silence in the house feels unbearable. So many dads carry this weight in silence, which only deepens feelings of shame and isolation.
Coping with the Transition
Here are a few ways that fathers I’ve worked with have found helpful:
Stay connected: Arrange a weekly call, a Sunday dinner when they’re home, or even a group chat where you can check in without overwhelming your child.
Create new rituals: If you used to wait up until they got home, replace that habit with something nourishing—reading before bed, evening walks, or a fitness routine.
Rediscover yourself: Think back to who you were before parenting dominated your life. Did you love playing guitar? Running? Reading history? Now’s the time to reconnect with that side of yourself.
Talk openly: With your partner, friends, or a therapist. Saying how you feel out loud is not weakness, it’s strength.
A New Kind of Fatherhood
Here’s the hopeful part: your role as a dad doesn’t end when your child leaves home. It changes. You get to build a new type of relationship, one based on respect, adult conversations, and mutual care. You also get to rediscover yourself as a man, not just a father. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it feels like loss. But it can also be the beginning of something new—for you, your relationships, and even the way your child sees you.
What the Research Says
You’re not imagining it, fathers do struggle during this transition, and the science backs it up. In a recent UK survey, nearly half of all dads reported that their mental health was “not great” or “very poor.” fathersnetwork.org.uk
It’s true that most research around children leaving home focuses on mothers or on older adults generally, not specifically on fathers in midlife. Nonetheless, in studies of “empty nesters,” researchers consistently find that those whose children have left home tend to report more loneliness, depressive symptoms, and poorer self-rated health.
In one rural Chinese study, parents without children living at home had more than twice the risk of depression compared to those still cohabiting with children. Why does this happen? A few psychological models can help us understand:
Role loss: When parenting ceases to be the central daily role, some fathers feel adrift.
Role strain relief: For a few, the lifting of everyday burdens is freeing.
Social engagement: The presence or absence of social connection can tip things one way or the other.
These findings don’t mean distress is inevitable, but they do help normalise what many fathers experience and validate the emotional weight of this transition.
How Male Minds Counselling Can Help Fathers Navigate Life Transitions
At Male Minds Counselling, I specialise in supporting men through some of life’s most difficult transitions, including the “empty nest” stage when children leave home. As a father, this period can stir feelings of loss, anxiety, and identity confusion. It can also place new pressure on relationships, career, and personal wellbeing.
I work with fathers who feel:
- Overwhelmed by the thought of their children leaving home
- Struggling with loneliness, anxiety, or low confidence
- Disconnected from their partner or unsure how to rebuild intimacy
- Unsure of who they are outside of being “dad”
- Pressured to stay silent because men are expected to “be strong”
Through counselling, you’ll have the space to process these emotions openly and without judgement. Together, we’ll explore practical coping strategies, rediscover who you are beyond parenting, and help you build a meaningful future that reflects your values and strengths.
Why Choose Male Minds Counselling?
Based in Reading, Berkshire: I provide counselling services in Reading and across Berkshire, both in-person and online.
Specialist in men’s issues: Male Minds Counselling is dedicated to understanding the unique challenges men face, from identity and fatherhood to relationships and mental health.
Black male therapist perspective: As a Black male therapist, I bring lived experience and cultural understanding that can be particularly valuable for men who may have struggled to find a counsellor who “gets” them. Many of my clients find it easier to open up knowing they are with someone who understands issues of race, identity, and masculinity.
Flexible support: Whether you need short-term support during a life transition or longer-term therapy, we can tailor sessions to meet your needs.
Counselling in Reading and Berkshire
If you’re searching for counselling in Reading, Berkshire or looking for a Black male therapist who understands men’s mental health, Male Minds Counselling offers a safe and supportive environment to explore what you’re going through.
Whether you’re navigating the loss of children leaving home, experiencing relationship difficulties, or struggling with anxiety, depression, or self-worth, you don’t have to go through it alone.
If you’re a father struggling with the transition of your child leaving home, therapy can help you make sense of the loss, rebuild confidence, and discover who you are beyond being a dad. At Male Minds Counselling, I work with fathers every day who are navigating this stage of life. Take the first step today. Reach out to Male Minds Counselling in Reading, Berkshire and begin the journey toward rediscovering yourself, rebuilding confidence, and finding new purpose in this next chapter of life.
Cassim