A total of 81,426 Londoners contacted the Lucy Faithfull Foundation’s Stop It Now service in 2024 - around one in three UK callers. And unsurprising for me as a counsellor but maybe to you, is that women now are one in 10 offenders.

I have said in previous articles, that 60-75% of my male clients have shared that they lost their virginity or have had sexual contact of some kind before they were 16, to someone who was over the age of 18. This goes for straight males and the number goes up for gay and queer men. Simply put there is alot of men who have feelings towards younger people and no one seems to want to talk about it. In recent official “Year in Review” reports from Pornhub, the most searched categories were things like Hentai, MILF, Lesbian, Japanese, Mature, Anal, Amateur. Clearly there is alot of men out here who are straight and want an older women and gay or queer who want an older man. Do people honestly think this interest just appears at 18. NO! It begins at 13, 14,15 and 16 years of age. And these boys are seeking out these “MILFS” or older men on platforms like reddit and X. And clearly both men and women are making contact because my clients tell me of their experiences in therapy. Which means, there are men and women who have leanings toward younger boys and girls.

Here are the FACTS, since I know people love them. According to the latest data from Stop It Now! Stop It Now! is the UK’s only anonymous helpline for people worried about sexual thoughts or behaviour towards children. They got contacted by 276,414 people who sought advice or support via its online self-help or confidential helpline in 2022. This is a 67% increase on the previous year and treble the number of people during the pandemic in 2020.

As of mid-2023 in England and Wales, official prison data shows that around 9,000 people were serving custodial sentences for child sexual offences, such as sexual assault of a child, grooming, or indecent images. Of these, approximately 8,900 were men and around 100 were women, meaning about 99% of those imprisoned for child sexual offences are male and around 1% are female. This obvious imbalance reflects wider criminal justice patterns, where sexual offences against children are overwhelmingly committed by men, at least in terms of convictions and imprisonment. While these figures only represent cases that result in custody and do not capture unreported or unprosecuted abuse, the suggest the importance of focusing prevention, risk assessment, and therapeutic interventions primarily toward men, while still recognising that child sexual harm is a safeguarding issue that requires vigilance across all genders.

Whether you feel and think that it is disgusting, its sick, it is an abomination. Here are the facts. Most people convicted of child sexual abuse offences in England and Wales are recorded as White. In the latest Ministry of Justice data where ethnicity was recorded, around 90% of defendants proceeded against for child sexual abuse offences were White. Smaller proportions were Asian (about 5%), Mixed/Multiple background (around 2–3%), and Black (about 1–3%), with other ethnicities making up the remainder.

So we have an issue. Because many of these men are not actually acting on their feelings towards children, and as you can see from the data from STOP IT NOW. But they are not being picked up by anyone, until the worst happens and an arrest and conviction is made. They are clearly scared by these feelings themselves. So what are we going to do? Because alot of these men are brothers and sisters and cousins and sons of ours. As you saw from the data, many family members call up as they have noticed that a man or boy in their household has this leaning. I propose that it is better that they come to counselling and that counselling can help. Simply locking these men away is not good enough. Plus many of them have not COMMITTED a crime, since having thoughts about younger people is not against the law. It is ACTING upon it that makes it illegal. The morality of that is not the purpose of this article.

One area that is becoming impossible to ignore is the role of pornography. Stop It Now!, the UK’s only anonymous helpline for people worried about sexual thoughts or behaviour towards children, has raised serious concerns about how some men’s pornography use develops over time. Their work shows a clear pattern, which says that for some men, frequent pornography use can slowly escalate into seeking more extreme material. In a small but significant number of cases, this escalation becomes a pathway into illegal online behaviour involving children. This does not happen overnight. It usually happens gradually. What often starts as curiosity or habit can shift as the brain becomes desensitised. The same content no longer creates the same reaction, so the person looks for something more intense. Over time, boundaries blur.

New consumer research shows how risky this landscape has become. Nearly one in three men aged 35 and under (31%) say they struggle to tell whether sexual content online is legal or illegal. That confusion matters, because the internet does not come with clear warning signs, and illegal material can be encountered faster than many people expect. Especially on two specific platforms, I am seeing an increased number in my therapy room, which are Redditt and twitter.

Almost half of men (49%) also agree that watching too much pornography can lead to watching more extreme or even illegal content. This suggests that many men already sense the slippery slope, even if they do not talk about it openly. Context matters here. Men are estimated to be around nine times more likely than women to view pornography, which means they are also far more likely to encounter illegal material online, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.

The Scale of Concern

The demand for help is growing rapidly. As I said earlier in 2022 alone, over 276,000 people accessed Stop It Now!’s online self-help tools or confidential helpline. That represents a 67% increase from the previous year, and three times the number of people who sought help during the pandemic in 2020.

This tells us that family members and men and even women are worried. And many are actively looking for support before something goes wrong. At the same time, the National Crime Agency estimates that between 550,000 and 850,000 individuals in the UK pose a sexual abuse risk to children. Not all of these individuals have offended, but they are considered at risk of doing so. This is exactly where counselling and early intervention matter most.

It’s Not Just About “The Individual”

Another important finding challenges the idea that this is a hidden invisible problem. is that the research showed that 70% of people said they would encourage a friend or family member to seek help if they believed they were viewing sexual images or videos of children. That suggests there is more awareness and more willingness to act, than we often assume. In fact, around one in four people who contact the Stop It Now! helpline do so because they are worried about another adult’s behaviour, not their own.

This reinforces a key point that safeguarding is not just about catching offenders after harm has happened. It is about communities noticing risk early and knowing where to turn. And counselling can do this.

You have to understand that legally, on average, all child sexual offences combined the average sentence is 75 months, which is 6 years and then they are back out in the community.

What This Means for Counselling

From a therapeutic point of view, this information matters for three reasons. First, pornography use needs to be talked about openly and honestly in counselling. Avoiding the subject does not reduce risk, it increases it.

Second, many men do not realise how quickly escalation can happen, especially during periods of stress, loneliness, or emotional numbness. Counselling helps men understand their patterns before those patterns become dangerous.

Third, services like Stop It Now! show that anonymous, non-judgemental support works. When shame is reduced, people are more likely to seek help early, and early help is one of the strongest protective factors we have.

A Grounding Reality

None of this is about blaming pornography alone, and it is not about assuming that every man who watches porn is a danger. It is about acknowledging reality, which is that when boundaries erode in silence, risk increases. When concerns are spoken about early, harm can be prevented. Counselling sits right at that turning point.

How Counselling Can Help Men With Sexual Feelings Toward Children

Look I know that the vast majority of therapists which most are women in the UK, will outright refuse to work with these clients. Even naming the topic brings fear, anger, disgust, and confusion. That reaction is understandable. Sexual harm toward children is one of the most serious violations there is. But if we want to protect children properly, we cannot afford to look away from uncomfortable truths.

Some men live with sexual thoughts or attractions toward children that they did not choose, do not want, and often deeply hate themselves for. These thoughts can exist without any offence ever taking place. The danger is not talking about it. Silence, shame, and isolation are what increase risk.

This is about prevention, responsibility, and how counselling can reduce harm and keep children safe. It is not about excusing behaviour. It is not about minimising harm. It is about facing reality so fewer children are hurt.

What Are We Actually Talking About?

In clinical language, persistent sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children is called paedophilia or paedophilic disorder. That word carries enormous emotional weight. In everyday language, “paedophile” is often used to describe someone who has abused a child. Clinically, those are not the same thing.

A key distinction must be made:

• Thoughts, feelings, or urges are not crimes
• Actions are crimes

Sexual activity with children, grooming, viewing sexual images of children, or placing a child at risk are all serious criminal offences. These acts cause lifelong harm and are rightly punished by law. But having an attraction or intrusive thoughts alone is not a crime, and this is where counselling becomes critical. Therapy exists precisely because thoughts can be managed before they turn into actions. Many men with these thoughts never offend. Some actively structure their lives to avoid harm. Others are terrified of themselves and don’t know where to turn.

Moral, Legal, and Therapeutic Perspectives

These three often get mixed together, but they are different. The law exists to protect children. It deals with behaviour. Once a child is harmed, the system steps in. Morality reflects shared values: children cannot consent, and sexual contact with them is wrong. This is almost universally agreed across cultures. Counselling works in a different lane. Therapy does not decide guilt or innocence. It asks:

• What is going on internally?
• What increases risk?
• What reduces risk?
• How do we keep everyone safe?

A counsellor’s role is not to judge or punish, but neither is it to collude. The ethical responsibility is always clear: child safety overrides everything.

How Common Is This?

Exact numbers are hard to measure because of stigma and secrecy, but research suggests that a small percentage of the population experiences persistent sexual attraction to children. What is important to understand is:

• Not all men with these attractions abuse children
• Not all child sexual abusers meet the clinical definition of paedophilia

Some offences are driven by power, control, alcohol, opportunity, or emotional immaturity rather than sexual preference. This matters because prevention strategies differ. What research consistently shows is that shame, isolation, and lack of support increase risk, while structured treatment reduces it.

How These Struggles Actually Show Up in Real Life

This is not usually how people imagine it. Many men describe:

• Intense shame and self-disgust
• Fear of being found out
• Avoidance of relationships
• Depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts
• A sense of being “broken” or “evil”

Some men notice patterns that worry them, such as:

• Becoming mentally preoccupied when children are nearby
• Seeking environments that trigger fantasies
• Spending excessive time online
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from adults
• Using stress, loneliness, or substances to cope

In counselling, these patterns are important not to shame, but to understand risk. A therapist does not ask these questions out of curiosity. They ask them to answer one central question: “What increases the chance of harm, and how do we reduce it?”

Why Many Men Do Not Seek Help

The biggest barrier is fear. Men often believe:

• “If I tell anyone, I’ll be reported immediately”
• “I’ll be seen as a monster”
• “There’s no help for people like me”
• “I might as well isolate myself”

Ironically, isolation is one of the biggest risk factors. Counselling done properly makes something very clear from the start:

• Thoughts can be discussed safely
• Actions cannot be hidden
• Planning to harm a child must be reported
• The goal is prevention, not exposure

When men understand this clearly, many feel relief for the first time.

What Counselling Actually Does

Counselling does not try to pretend these thoughts don’t exist. It also does not promise to “cure” attraction. That would be dishonest. Instead, therapy focuses on management, responsibility, and safety.

Understanding Triggers

Men learn what increases their risk:

• Stress
• Loneliness
• Alcohol or drugs
• Certain environments
• Emotional states like anger or hopelessness

Once triggers are known, they can be planned around.

Building Internal Brakes

Therapy strengthens:

• Empathy for children
• Awareness of consequences
• Emotional regulation
• Long-term thinking

This is not scare tactics. It is grounding someone in reality.

Reducing Secrecy

Secrets are dangerous. Counselling helps men talk openly, which reduces pressure and impulsivity.

Creating a Safety Plan

This might include:

• Avoiding certain environments
• Limiting online access
• Structured routines
• Accountability systems
• Emergency coping strategies

Again, this is about prevention.

Types of Therapy That Are Used

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Helps challenge distorted thinking and impulsive patterns.

Relapse Prevention Therapy
Focuses on recognising early warning signs and intervening early.

Trauma-Informed Therapy
Some men with these attractions have their own histories of abuse or neglect. This is addressed carefully, without using it as an excuse.

Medication (when appropriate)
In some cases, medication is used to reduce sexual drive or compulsivity under strict medical supervision.

No single method works alone. Effective treatment is usually structured, consistent, and long-term.

Confidentiality and Safeguarding

When working with men who have sexual thoughts or behaviours involving children, confidentiality must be explained clearly, calmly, and honestly. Vague reassurance helps no one. Fear thrives in uncertainty.

Many men avoid seeking counselling because they do not know what will happen if they speak openly. Others assume that any disclosure will automatically lead to police involvement. Both assumptions are dangerous. This must be said plainly. Counsellors are not there to protect someone from consequences if a child is at risk. If a client:

• Has abused a child
• Is planning to abuse a child
• Has access to a specific child and expresses intent

Then safeguarding procedures must be followed. This is non-negotiable. At the same time, ethical counselling allows space to talk about thoughts before harm happens. This balance is where prevention lives.

What Confidentiality Really Means in Counselling

Confidentiality is a cornerstone of counselling, but it is not absolute. A counsellor’s primary ethical duty is to:

• Protect children from harm
• Reduce risk
• Act responsibly if danger is present

Counsellors are not investigators, police officers, or judges. But they are also not there to hide risk. In simple terms: Counselling is a private space unless someone is at risk of being harmed. This applies to all areas of therapy, but it is especially important when children are involved.

Feelings vs Actions: A Critical Distinction

One of the most important things a counsellor must explain early on is the difference between thoughts, urges, and actions. If a client says: “I have sexual thoughts or feelings towards children” On its own, this does not automatically trigger safeguarding action.

Having thoughts, even disturbing or unwanted ones is not illegal. Counsellors can and should work with clients at this stage. This is where prevention happens. In fact, this is often the safest point to intervene.

“What If I’ve Looked at Child Sexual Images in the Past?”

This is one of the most feared disclosures. If a client says: “I accessed child sexual images online in the past, but I don’t anymore” The counsellor’s responsibility is to explore:

• When did this happen?
• Is it ongoing?
• What changed?
• What is the current level of risk?
• Are there any children currently at risk?

A past offence alone, with no current risk, does not always lead to immediate reporting. However, counsellors must be very careful here. The presence of illegal behaviour raises safeguarding concerns automatically, and each case must be assessed individually. What matters ethically is current risk, intent, and access.

Counsellors cannot promise that nothing will happen, and they should never make that promise. What they can promise is honesty, clarity, and transparency about the process.

“What If I Talk to Young People Online?”

This is another common and dangerous grey area. If a client says: “I talk to young people online, but I’ve never met them” This immediately raises safeguarding concerns, even if the client believes their behaviour is harmless. Counsellors must explore:

• Ages involved
• Nature of conversations
• Power dynamics
• Sexual content or grooming behaviour
• Secrecy or deletion of messages

Online contact can still be harmful. Grooming does not require physical contact. If there is evidence of ongoing risk, manipulation, or sexualised communication, the counsellor may be ethically required to escalate.

When Confidentiality Ends

Confidentiality must be broken if a counsellor believes:

• A child has been abused
• A child is currently being abused
• A client intends to abuse a child
• A specific child is identifiable and at risk

This is non-negotiable. The counsellor’s duty is to safeguard, even if it damages the therapeutic relationship. This is not betrayal. This is ethical responsibility.

Why This Matters

It is easy to say, “People like that should just disappear.” But that does not make children safer. Children are safer when:

• Risk is identified early
• Men are supported to take responsibility
• Shame is reduced enough for honesty
• Clear boundaries are enforced
• Therapy is available before harm occurs

As uncomfortable as it is, prevention requires engagement. Working with this population is “not about sympathy, but about responsibility.” Counselling men with sexual thoughts toward children is not about compassion without limits. It is about structure, boundaries, accountability, and protection. If we want fewer victims, we must be willing to do the hard work before a child is harmed. Silence protects no one.

How Male Minds Counselling Can Help

At Male Minds Counselling, I provide a safe, confidential, and non-judgmental space for men who are struggling with sexual thoughts or feelings toward children. I understand the fear, shame, and isolation that can come with these thoughts, and my goal is to help men manage them before any harm occurs.

Through evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Relapse Prevention Therapy, and Trauma-Informed Therapy, I work with men to:

• Understand and manage their sexual thoughts and attractions safely
• Identify triggers such as stress, loneliness, or pornography use
• Build internal brakes to prevent harmful behaviour
• Develop practical safety and accountability plans
• Reduce shame and secrecy, which are key risk factors

Counselling is not about excusing thoughts or minimising risk, it’s about prevention, responsibility, and protection. Men who engage in therapy often feel relief for the first time, gain insight into their behaviour, and learn practical strategies to live safely without offending.

I also work with family members or partners who are concerned about a loved one’s behaviour. Early intervention is critical, and counselling can provide guidance, support, and resources before anything serious happens.

If you or someone you know is struggling with these thoughts, help is available. At Male Minds Counselling, I focus on:

• Confidential therapy for men with sexual thoughts toward children
• Early intervention and prevention
• Support for family members noticing concerning patterns
• Guidance on safe internet and social media use

You are not alone. Seeking help early can prevent harm, reduce shame, and save lives. Contact Male Minds Counselling today to speak confidentially with a qualified therapist.