A very subtle way of causing psychological and emotional difficulties in a child is to make that child responsible for the needs of the parent. The child may still live at home. They may still go to school, play football, see their friends and appear to have an ordinary childhood. But emotionally or practically, something very different may be happening: the child has begun to take care of the adult.
This process is known as parentification.
Parentification is not the same thing as parenting, teaching responsibility, asking a child to help around the house or expecting children to complete age-appropriate chores. Children can benefit enormously from responsibility. Learning to cook, clean, look after younger siblings occasionally, contribute to the household and develop independence can all be healthy parts of growing up.
Parentification is different. It involves a role reversal between parent and child, where the child’s developmental needs are sacrificed because the child is expected to meet the practical, emotional or psychological needs of the parent or family.
Chase (1999) describes parentification as occurring when children take on responsibilities that are developmentally inappropriate and that would ordinarily belong to their parents. Minuchin and colleagues (1967) similarly described family structures in which children can become placed into parental roles.
In other words: the child stops being allowed simply to be the child.
And for boys, this can sometimes be particularly difficult to identify because society may interpret the behaviour positively. He is not necessarily seen as a child carrying too much. He may be described as:
- “the man of the house”
- “Mum’s little helper”
- “such a responsible boy”
- “so mature for his age”
- “the one we can rely on”
- “the strong one”
- “he’s always been there for his mother”
- “he had to grow up quickly”
- “he’s like a second dad to his brothers and sisters”
These statements can sound complimentary. But sometimes behind the compliment is a child who has learned that his value comes from taking care of everybody else.
What Does Parentification Look Like in Boys?
Imagine a boy growing up in a household where his parents are constantly arguing. His mother is distressed. His father is emotionally unavailable. Perhaps there is separation, divorce, addiction, financial pressure, mental health difficulties, domestic conflict, illness or instability within the family.
The boy notices that his mother is struggling. Instead of being able to simply be frightened, confused or upset himself, he begins comforting her. He listens to her problems. He reassures her. He tells her that everything will be okay. He starts protecting younger siblings from what is happening.
Perhaps he begins doing more housework. He makes meals. He gets his brothers and sisters ready for school. He becomes responsible for getting them home. He starts monitoring his mother’s mood. He learns when she is likely to become upset. He becomes the person she talks to when she is lonely.
Eventually, he may develop a powerful internal rule: “I have to keep everyone else okay.”
That can become part of his identity. The problem is that the child still has needs. He may need someone to reassure him. He may need someone to protect him. He may need someone to tell him that the problems in the family are not his responsibility. He may need permission to be frightened. He may need to cry. He may need to play. He may need to make mistakes. He may simply need to be a boy.
But if the family depends upon him being the responsible one, expressing those needs can begin to feel dangerous, selfish or disloyal.
Emotional Parentification
One of the most significant forms of parentification is emotional parentification. This occurs when a child becomes responsible for meeting the emotional needs of a parent. The child may become the parent’s confidant, emotional support, mediator or source of reassurance.
For example, a mother may regularly discuss her relationship problems with her son. She might tell him how lonely she feels. She might tell him that his father does not understand her. She might cry to him about the relationship. She might repeatedly tell him that he is the only person who understands her.
The boy may feel incredibly important. He may also feel incredibly trapped. He may think:
- “Mum needs me.”
- “I can’t abandon her.”
- “I have to look after her.”
- “If I tell her no, I’ll hurt her.”
- “If I’m not there, something might happen.”
This can create a powerful emotional bond, but it is not necessarily a healthy one. The child has been placed into a role that belongs to another adult.
In particularly intense situations, researchers and clinicians have discussed this kind of dynamic using concepts such as emotional incest, where a child is drawn into an adult-like emotional relationship with a parent. This does not necessarily mean sexual behaviour has occurred. Rather, the concern is that the child is being placed into an inappropriate emotional role that resembles that of an adult partner or confidant.
For a boy, this can sometimes create profound confusion about what love and relationships are supposed to look like. He may learn that:
- Love means rescuing someone.
- Love means sacrificing yourself.
- Love means being constantly available.
- Love means putting somebody else’s emotions before your own.
- Love means being needed.
These lessons can follow him into adulthood.
The “Man of the House”
One particularly important form of male parentification is the expectation that a boy should become “the man of the house.” This phrase can carry enormous emotional weight.
Sometimes it is used during periods of genuine family difficulty. A father may have died, left the family, become seriously ill, been imprisoned, become absent or simply been unable to fulfil his parental responsibilities.
The boy may then be told: “You’re the man of the house now.”
For an adult, that may sound like encouragement. For a child, it can become a burden. A boy may interpret the message as:
- “I am responsible for Mum.”
- “I am responsible for my sisters.”
- “I cannot fail.”
- “I cannot be vulnerable.”
- “I have to protect everybody.”
- “There is nobody else.”
He may therefore start suppressing his own distress because there is no psychological space for him to be the person who needs help. This can be particularly powerful in families where masculinity is already associated with strength, protection, sacrifice and emotional control.
The boy does not necessarily think, “I am being parentified.” He thinks, “This is what men do.” That distinction is important, because the behaviour may continue long after the original family circumstances have disappeared.
Instrumental Parentification
Parentification can also be practical or instrumental. This happens when a child takes on responsibilities that should ordinarily belong to an adult. A boy might:
- regularly care for younger siblings
- prepare meals for the family
- clean the house
- manage household responsibilities
- deal with bills or correspondence
- translate for parents
- accompany parents to appointments
- manage younger children’s school responsibilities
- take responsibility for getting siblings to school
- become responsible for protecting younger children
- take on responsibilities because a parent is physically or emotionally unavailable.
Again, none of these activities automatically constitute parentification. Families sometimes have to rely on older children, particularly when circumstances are difficult. The question is not simply: “Does this child help?” The more important questions are:
- “How much responsibility are they carrying?”
- “Is it appropriate for their age?”
- “Is the responsibility temporary or permanent?”
- “What happens when they say no?”
- “Does the child still have space to be a child?”
- “Who takes care of the child?”
That last question is perhaps the most important.
The Difference Between Responsibility and Parentification
A healthy responsibility might be: “Can you watch your little brother for 30 minutes while I go to the shop?” Parentification might look more like: “You need to look after your brother because I can’t cope.”
Healthy responsibility says: “You’re part of this family, so we all contribute.” Parentification says: “The family depends upon you functioning like an adult.”
Healthy responsibility develops competence. Parentification can develop hyper-responsibility.
The child does not simply learn, “I can help.” They learn, “I must help.” And eventually: “If something goes wrong, it is my fault.”
Why Parentified Boys Can Become Angry Men
One of the most important consequences of parentification can be anger. But the anger is not always obvious. Sometimes it is explosive. Sometimes it is resentment. Sometimes it is irritability. Sometimes it is emotional withdrawal. Sometimes it appears as perfectionism. Sometimes it appears as controlling behaviour. Sometimes it appears as an inability to tolerate other people’s demands. And sometimes the man simply feels exhausted.
A parentified boy can grow into a man who has spent decades doing things for other people while rarely asking: “What do I actually need?”
This can create enormous resentment. He may think:
- “I’ve done everything for everyone and nobody does anything for me.”
- “Why am I always the one people rely on?”
- “Why can’t anyone just leave me alone?”
- “Why does everyone want something from me?”
There can be a painful contradiction. He desperately wants to be cared for, but he may also resent people for needing anything from him. He wants intimacy, but intimacy can feel like another responsibility. He wants to be loved, but being loved may have become psychologically connected with being useful.
The Invisible Contract
Parentification can create what we might call an invisible contract. The child learns:
- “If I take care of you, you will love me.”
- “If I don’t cause problems, everything will be okay.”
- “If I am strong enough, nobody will fall apart.”
The child may never consciously make this agreement; it develops through repeated experiences. And once established, it can become part of the man’s adult personality.
He may become the person everybody calls when there is a crisis. The person who lends money. The person who solves problems. The person who mediates arguments. The person who looks after his parents. The person who supports his partner. The person who takes responsibility at work. The person who never asks for help.
People may describe him as incredibly dependable, and he may be. But underneath the competence there can sometimes be an exhausted child who never learned that somebody else could take care of him.
Parentification and Relationships
Parentification can have significant consequences for adult relationships. A man who learned that his role was to care for others may become extremely sensitive to other people’s needs. He may constantly monitor his partner’s mood. He may attempt to solve problems before being asked. He may struggle to tolerate somebody being upset with him. He may apologise excessively. He may become a rescuer.
Alternatively, he may go in the opposite direction. He may become fiercely independent. He may avoid relationships because relationships feel like obligations. He may think: “I don’t want another person depending on me.”
This can produce an uncomfortable cycle. He wants closeness but fears responsibility. He wants intimacy but fears being consumed by another person’s needs. He wants support but does not know how to ask for it. He may therefore oscillate between over-functioning and withdrawing.
“I Don’t Need Anybody”
One of the most common adaptations to childhood parentification can be extreme self-reliance. A boy learns early: “Nobody is coming.” So he becomes the person who handles everything himself.
As an adult, he may struggle to accept help. Someone offering support may make him uncomfortable. He may say:
- “I’m fine.”
- “I’ll sort it.”
- “Don’t worry about me.”
- “I’ve got it.”
These statements may sound confident, but sometimes they are protective strategies. The man has learned that depending on other people is unsafe, disappointing or burdensome.
Unfortunately, this can make therapy particularly challenging, because therapy asks the man to do something he may have spent his entire life avoiding: allow another person to take care of some of his emotional needs.
Parentification and Men in Reading
This is particularly relevant when thinking about men and families in Reading and the surrounding Berkshire communities. Reading is a diverse area containing families from many different cultural, religious and socioeconomic backgrounds. Families can experience separation, migration, financial pressure, housing difficulties, relationship breakdown, caring responsibilities, illness and many other forms of stress.
In some families, particularly where there are strong expectations around family loyalty and responsibility, an older son can become an important source of practical or emotional support. This is not inherently unhealthy. Family responsibility can be a strength. Looking after younger siblings can teach compassion. Helping parents can develop maturity. Supporting your family can be deeply meaningful.
The problem begins when family responsibility replaces childhood.
A boy should be able to contribute to his family without becoming responsible for holding the family together. He should be able to care about his mother without becoming her emotional partner. He should be able to protect his younger siblings without becoming their father. He should be able to help his family financially without believing that the entire family’s survival rests upon him.
And he should be able to say: “I need help too.”
Parentification in Immigrant and Multicultural Families
Parentification can also intersect with migration and cultural adjustment. For some children growing up in immigrant families, the child may become responsible for tasks that adults find difficult.
For example, children may become the family’s English-speaking intermediary, helping parents navigate schools, healthcare, housing, official correspondence and other institutions. This can sometimes be a necessary family adaptation rather than pathological parentification.
But when a child becomes responsible for navigating the adult world, they can begin to occupy an unusually powerful position within the family. The child may know how the system works better than the parent. The child may translate important information. The child may attend appointments. The child may deal with professionals. The child may feel responsible for protecting the family from institutions.
Over time, the child can become psychologically older than their actual age. They are still a child, but they are living partly as an adult.
When the Parentified Boy Becomes a Father
Another important question is what happens when the parentified boy eventually has children himself.
Sometimes he becomes an exceptionally caring father. He knows what it feels like to be responsible for other people and may be determined to give his children something different.
But there can also be difficulties. He may become excessively protective. He may struggle to tolerate his children’s distress. He may believe that being a good father means constantly solving problems. He may become controlling because responsibility feels like safety. Or he may swing in the opposite direction and avoid responsibility because he associates responsibility with the loss of freedom.
The challenge is learning that being a good father does not mean carrying everything for everyone. Children need parents. Parents should not need children to emotionally parent them.
The Parentified Man’s Relationship with Anger
There is another important issue for men: anger can become the emotion that protects the emotions underneath it. A man may not consciously experience, “I am hurt that I had to grow up too quickly.” Instead, he may experience:
- “I’m sick of everyone taking the piss.”
- “Nobody appreciates anything I do.”
- “I don’t need anybody.”
- “People are always demanding something from me.”
Underneath the anger there may be grief. Grief for the childhood he did not have. Grief for the parent who was unavailable. Grief for having had to become strong too early. Grief for never feeling protected. Grief for learning to care for everybody else while nobody seemed to notice that he needed caring for too.
This is one reason anger-focused counselling can sometimes require looking backwards rather than simply trying to control the anger. The question is not only, “How do we stop you becoming angry?” It may also be: “What has your anger been protecting?”
What Happens When the Parentified Child Finally Says No?
A particularly difficult stage can occur when the boy becomes an adult and begins establishing boundaries. The family may experience this as rejection; the man may experience it as guilt.
He might decide, “I’m not going to keep doing this,” but immediately feel selfish. He may reduce the amount of money he gives his family. He may stop being available every time somebody calls. He may refuse to mediate family arguments. He may tell his mother that he cannot be her emotional support. He may move away. He may prioritise his own relationship or children.
And then the guilt arrives.
This is where therapy can become important. Because setting a healthy boundary can feel like betrayal when you were raised to believe that your role was to rescue everyone.
Signs That a Man May Have Been Parentified
A man may benefit from exploring parentification if he recognises several of these patterns:
- He was described as “the mature one” from a young age.
- He felt responsible for a parent’s emotional wellbeing.
- He became “the man of the house.”
- He regularly cared for younger siblings.
- He felt responsible for protecting his mother.
- He had to manage adult problems as a child.
- He was frequently involved in his parents’ relationship difficulties.
- He learned to suppress his own emotions because somebody else always needed him.
- He feels guilty when he prioritises himself.
- He finds it difficult to ask for help.
- He feels uncomfortable being vulnerable.
- He automatically takes responsibility when something goes wrong.
- He becomes angry when other people depend on him.
- He struggles to trust other people to do things properly.
- He feels that if he does not take control, everything will fall apart.
- He repeatedly becomes the “rescuer” in relationships.
- He feels exhausted by being the person everyone relies upon.
- He experiences difficulty knowing what he actually wants.
- He feels guilty saying no to family members.
- He struggles to distinguish between caring for someone and being responsible for them.
None of these signs proves that someone was parentified, but they can provide useful questions to explore.
Healing from Parentification
Recovering from parentification does not mean becoming selfish. It means learning the difference between responsibility and over-responsibility.
It means learning that:
- You can care without rescuing.
- You can love without sacrificing yourself.
- You can support someone without becoming responsible for their emotions.
- You can say no without being a bad son.
- You can ask for help without being weak.
- You can be vulnerable without losing your masculinity.
- You can allow other adults to carry their own responsibilities.
And perhaps most importantly: you are allowed to have needs.
For a man who became “the strong one” very early in life, this can be a profound realisation. He may have spent years believing that strength means carrying everything. Therapy can help him discover another definition of strength: strength can also mean knowing when you do not have to carry something anymore.
Supporting Men Affected by Parentification in Reading
At Male Minds Counselling in Reading, I work with men who are struggling with a range of emotional and relational difficulties, including anger, anxiety, relationship difficulties, family conflict, low self-worth, emotional regulation and the consequences of difficult childhood experiences.
Parentification is not always immediately obvious. A man may come to counselling because he is angry with his partner. He may say that he cannot relax. He may feel overwhelmed by his family’s expectations. He may struggle with boundaries. He may feel responsible for everyone. He may have relationship problems. He may simply say: “I’m exhausted. Everyone needs something from me.”
Sometimes, understanding where that pattern began can be an important part of understanding where he is now. The aim is not to blame parents or rewrite the past. It is to understand the role the boy had to play, recognise what that role taught him, and consider whether those lessons are still serving the man he has become.
Because the boy who once had to look after everyone else may eventually need to learn something he was never taught: he is allowed to look after himself too.
References
- Chase, N. D. (1999). Burdened Children: Theory, Research, and Treatment of Parentification. Sage/Guilford.
- Minuchin, S., Montalto, B., Guerney, B. G., Rosman, B. L., & Schumer, F. (1967). Families of the Slums: An Exploration of Their Structure and Treatment. Basic Books.