My Son Told My Wife He’s Gay – A Father’s Journey Parenting a Teenage Gay or Bisexual Son
A father sits across from me and says, “I’m not homophobic or anything, but I’m finding this really difficult. My son told my wife that he’s gay. Well, actually, he told her he’s bisexual, but really, he’s gay. I suppose I’ve always known deep down, but now it’s out in the open.”
These are the sorts of words I might hear from a father whose world has just been turned upside down. And what is worse, everyone in the family knows except for the father. He is the last to find out. You would imagine that when a child comes forward and shares who they are, it should be one of the proudest and most beautiful moments for a parent. And in many ways it can be. But the truth is, for some men, it is not so simple. And unfortunately dad’s are usually the last to find out. Usually siblings, mum, friends and others know before him. Which in itself can feel like a betrayal, that his son didnt feel he could come and tell him personally. That his wife had to warn him about what is coming in the coming weeks. This same father may have gay or lesbian colleagues at work. His company may even have policies and banners showing support for the LGBTQ+ community. He may happily sign petitions or nod along to campaigns. But when it comes into his own home, when it is his son, it feels very different. Because now it is not just an idea, it is personal. It touches something deep. For many men, especially those from more traditional or conservative backgrounds, this shakes the ground they stand on. They have grown up believing certain roles, rules and traditions are the way life works. Being a man means one thing. Being a father means another. Being straight is assumed. And suddenly, their son’s truth throws all of that into question. Alot of these beliefs they have never even thought about. They went with the flow. So one of the things we would explore is those beliefs. A son coming out challenges identity. It asks uncomfortable questions. If your son is bisexual or gay, what does that mean about you? If your child has stepped outside of the world of “straight or nothing,” does that mean there is a spectrum for everyone? And if you have been raised to believe that the only options are straight or damned, what do you do now? The father is not only wrestling with his son’s identity but also with his own. What does it mean for him as a man? What does it mean for him as a father? And a quiet fear sometimes lingers: if his son is gay and he came from him, does that somehow make him question his own sexuality? These are the unspoken battles that can rise up in the room. The love for the son is still there, but it is tangled with fear, confusion, pride, shame and a thousand unasked questions.
Me, 42, Divorced, Mum of Three — And He’s 25: Why Young, Childless Men Chase Older Women
It’s not a controversial statement to say that most women don’t usually get into serious relationships with younger men. Globally, married men are on average four years older than their wives. The smallest gap, in Europe and North America, is less than three years. The largest gap is in sub-Saharan Africa, where men tend to be more than eight years older than their wives. In a recent survey of 130 countries, none had heterosexual couples where men tended to be younger than their partners or even the same age. US census data shows that in half of married couples, the man is at least two years older than the female, while only 14% have a woman who is older by the same margin. In England and Wales, nearly a third of married couples have an age difference of five or more years.
The reasons for that are fairly well understood. But in my therapy room, I’ve worked with a number of young men who are in these relationships. And they often come to therapy because they’re facing challenges that aren’t easy to talk about. Their families may not approve, they can’t bring their partner to work events, they avoid posting about them online, and they certainly can’t bring them to Christmas parties without awkward questions. And yet, these relationships exist, and often with love at the centre. Both partners are consenting adults who have made a conscious choice to be together.
He’s 14, She’s 24: Legally Abused, But He Says He Enjoyed It – Boys, Abuse, and the Silent Impact on Adult Relationships
I’m sitting across from a client, sometimes a grown adult, sometimes a teenager. They share something like, “I’ve always liked older women,” or “My first sexual experience was with someone much older.” I ask for a little more detail. Sometimes the client shares that the person was a parent, an uncle, or an adult family friend. Other times, it’s a non-family adult, thier best friends older sister, a girl they started talking to on snap or someone in their late 20s or 30s they met in a shop.
You might be surprised, and even shocked, at how many boys and men I’ve sat across from in therapy who were, by legal definitions, sexually assaulted as children or teenagers, yet describe the experience as one of the best sexual experiences of their lives. They say they would do it again in a heartbeat, and they don’t identify it as traumatic.
In contrast, I have never, in my counselling practice, heard a female client describe a similar scenario in that way. This raises an important question: if a boy or young man is sexually abused but does not perceive it as traumatic or a violation, does it still affect him?
At first glance, these statements seem innocuous, even consensual. But as a psychotherapist, I know that early sexual contact with an adult carries complex psychological dynamics. The adult-child power imbalance is central: children’s brains, particularly in areas governing impulse control, emotional regulation, and relational reasoning, are still developing. Even when a boy experiences pleasure, excitement, or curiosity during these encounters, the experience can disrupt healthy sexual, emotional, and relational development.
If he hated what his father did to him, why on earth would he repeat it? The Impact of Growing Up With a Violent Dad On A Boy
Why do some men repeat the very violence they hated from their fathers? Research shows mothers may hit more often, but when fathers are violent, the impact on boys is deeper and long-lasting. This blog explores what “violent father” really means, why boys often minimise maternal abuse but vividly remember paternal violence, and how a father’s aggression shapes identity, masculinity, and relationships for life. Most importantly, it unpacks the painful question: If he hated it so much, why does he repeat it?
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