Lets Talk About Sibling Estrangement and Rivalry in Adulthood – Is Blood thicker than water?
Why cant you just be like your brother or sister? You get away with everything and I am constantly punished. That’s not fair. Ever heard any of these phrases? Sibling rivary It’s one of those quiet wounds that british society doesn’t want to talk about. When brothers or sisters stop speaking — not for a week, not for a year, but indefinitely — there’s no funeral, no ritual, no sympathy card. You’re expected to “get on with it.” But estrangement between siblings can haunt the background of a man’s life like unfinished music. It lingers in the silences between birthdays, weddings, and Christmas gatherings. It changes the story of who we think we are.
Common Sibling Roles in Family Systems
The Golden Child (The Hero)
The high achiever, the “good one,” who brings pride and stability to the family. Often the parent’s emotional caretaker or symbol of success. They are diven by the need for approval, love, and safety through perfection. The Golden Child carries enormous pressure, failure feels catastrophic. They often struggle with anxiety, imposter syndrome, and difficulty expressing vulnerability.The Scapegoat (The Rebel)
The “problem” child who acts out, breaks rules, or speaks the family’s unspoken truths. The scapegoat often absorbs the family’s collective shame or dysfunction, they become the lightning rod for tension. They are often blamed, rejected, or excluded. Yet, paradoxically, they’re the most emotionally honest member of the family.The Lost Child (The Invisible One)
Quiet, withdrawn, and self-sufficient. They avoid conflict and often disappear emotionally to stay safe. They are diven by fear of rejection and overwhelm. By being invisible, they reduce stress in the home. They grow up disconnected from their own needs, often struggling with loneliness or dissociation.The Mascot (The Clown or Peacemaker)
The family comedian, using humour or charm to diffuse tension. They are diven by anxiety and a deep desire to keep the peace. Laughter becomes a survival strategy. They are liked but rarely seen deeply. Beneath the jokes, there’s often sadness or fear.The Caretaker (The Parentified Child)
Takes on adult responsibilities early, caring for parents or siblings emotionally or physically. They are diven by the need for stability and belonging through usefulness. They often become over-responsible adults, drawn to fix others while neglecting themselves.The Overachiever vs. The Underachiever
A common sibling pairing. One excels (to please), the other “fails” (to escape pressure). They are diven by family polarisation, children define themselves by being the opposite of their sibling. Both are trapped in identity roles that are reactions, not choices.The Golden Scapegoat (Hybrid Role)
Some children are praised publicly but punished privately — loved conditionally. They are diven by inconsistent parenting or narcissistic family systems. The impact on them is deep confusion, they don’t know who they really are or what’s “true” about them.The Ghost Sibling
When one sibling dies, disappears, or becomes estranged, others live in their shadow. They are diven by family grief and idealisation of the absent one. Surviving siblings feel invisible or guilty for being alive or different.The Outsider (The Black Sheep by Choice)
Chooses distance, leaves home early, cuts contact, or defines identity against the family narrative. They are diven by desire for authenticity and autonomy. The impact for them is freedom mixed with loneliness and guilt.The Proxy Parent (Often in Immigrant or Working-Class Families)
An older sibling who raises the younger ones due to parental absence or stress. They are diven by family duty and cultural expectation. The impact for them is deep empathy but also emotional exhaustion. Struggles to form identity outside the caregiver role. Sibling roles are rarely static, they are relational contracts that shift depending on context. The “golden child” might become the “caretaker” after a parent dies, or the “lost child” might emerge as the family’s quiet stabiliser in crisis. For men, these roles are often masked by masculinity scripts: stoicism, pride, competitiveness, or silence. In therapy, exploring these sibling identities can help men understand the origin story of their emotional habits, the first arena where they learned how to win, lose, hide, or help.
Why Male Domestic Violence Looks Different to Female – Working with Men Who Experience Domestic Abuse
Why Male Domestic Abuse Looks Different — And Why It’s So Often Missed
I still remember the first time a man sat in my counselling room and told me he was being hurt by his partner. Not just an argument — real harm. Control, threats, and a bruise hidden under a long-sleeved shirt. It didn’t look like the “domestic abuse” we see on TV. There was no dramatic hospital scene. Instead, there were late-night phone calls that shredded his peace of mind, public humiliation, and a slow erosion of his confidence and freedom.
That day changed how I understood domestic abuse. It taught me something I wish every counsellor, friend, and professional knew: male domestic abuse often looks different, and because it looks different, it’s far easier to miss, doubt, or dismiss.
This post explores what male domestic abuse can look like — especially in a counselling context — and why many men are not believed when they disclose it. It also examines how that disbelief shows up in therapy, and what therapists and services can do to respond better.
Drawing on clinical experience, research, and real-world accounts, we’ll look at:
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How coercive control appears for men, both during and after separation
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The specific tactics commonly used against male victims — from attacks on masculinity to legal and financial manipulation
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Why men struggle to name what’s happening as “abuse”
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How shame and cultural expectations of masculinity keep many silent
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Practical therapeutic approaches that can help men begin to heal
At Male Minds Counselling, I work with men who’ve lived through emotional, psychological, or coercive abuse — often without realising it. My aim is to provide a space where men can talk openly, without shame or judgement, and begin rebuilding a sense of self after being controlled, isolated, or disbelieved.
If you’ve ever felt constantly criticised, walked on eggshells in your relationship, or lost your confidence and identity, you are not alone — and what you’ve experienced matters.
Based in Reading, Berkshire, covering Newbury, Theale, Caversham, Wokingham, Bracknell, Tilehurst, Calcot, and nearby towns.
Secure online sessions available across the UK.
Read the full article below to understand why male domestic abuse often looks different — but hurts just as deeply.
Why Men Commit More Domestic Violence Than Women
Why Do Men Commit More Domestic Violence Than Women?
Domestic violence is often spoken about in hushed tones, as if the truth is too uncomfortable to face. Yet the statistics are clear: men commit the majority of severe domestic abuse cases worldwide. But why? Is it biology, culture, psychology, or a combination of all three? As a psychotherapist who has worked with hundreds of men across Britain, I’ve seen the patterns, the stories, and the unseen pressures that can drive a man to harm the people he’s supposed to love. This isn’t about excusing violence—it’s about understanding it, because without understanding, change is almost impossible. In this blog, I want to explore the root causes, the societal factors, and the personal struggles that contribute to male domestic violence. We’ll look beyond stereotypes, challenge myths, and confront uncomfortable truths—because if we want to stop the cycle, we need to see it clearly. First and foremost, it’s really important for people to understand, and we’ll explore this in detail, that many men who come into my therapy room—men who are being accused of being abusers, narcissists, or of isolating their partners through coercive control—often have no real awareness of the full extent of their behavior. As harsh as that may sound, the truth is that the vast majority of these men genuinely do not realize the harm they are causing. Many of them want to stop, they want to change, but for a variety of reasons, they cannot do it alone. One of the most powerful aspects of therapy, and one of the reasons it can be life-changing, is that the first step is often not immediate transformation. Change is important, of course, but before change can happen, awareness must come first. Before a man can talk openly about coercive control, abusive behaviors, or patterns of manipulation, he has to understand what those behaviors actually look like in his life and how they affect those around him. This process requires an environment free from shame, judgment, dismissal, or humiliation. Only when a man feels safe to explore these behaviours openly can genuine understanding and, ultimately, change begin. Therapy provides that space. It allows men to name behaviors they have normalized, to confront patterns they may have inherited or learned, and to begin seeing themselves clearly for the first time. Awareness alone can be revolutionary because it is the foundation upon which real change is built. Without awareness, there can be no transformation; without understanding, the cycle of harm often continues. Part of this self-awareness is what’s called psychoeducation. It’s important to understand that many boys and men do not recognise the seriousness of behaviours like stalking. Often, they think, “It’s not that big of a deal,” because they see it solely from their own perspective, not from the woman’s perspective. In working with men to help them reach awareness—which, as I said, can sometimes be the primary goal—therapy is not always about transformation or immediate change. Sometimes the goal is simply awareness, education, and understanding. This is especially true when working with men who have strong fixed traits formed during childhood. These traits are often deeply ingrained, and in many cases, they cannot change. All of us know someone who, for years or even decades, we’ve tried to help by showing empathy, understanding, and kindness, only to realise that they remain unchanged. For many men and boys, change is not appealing because their current behaviours “work” for them. Or they have not been offered an alternative that guarantees the same effectiveness for both their image, status, and internal sense of control. If change brings uncertainty or a perceived loss of control—even if it increases the safety and well-being of those around them—they often see it as a loss, not a win. When I work with men in therapy, a central part of my role is helping them understand, from multiple perspectives—their mother’s, their sister’s, the legal perspective—what their actions actually mean. Many of them simply do not know the full impact of their behaviour.
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